bowling and books.

Latest WTF moment: I went bowling with my parents this afternoon, and it was a strange experience. For one thing, I got 55 points on the first game. I think this is the worst I've ever done at bowling. For another thing, the machine that replaced the pins was acting up. One person would finish, a new set of pins would come down, but some of the pins would be missing and bowling alley workers would have to come and push a button several times to get a full set of pins. Then one of the workers decided to clean our lane while we were playing. He didn't say anything, but he rolled a cleaning machine out in front of our lane while my dad was in the middle of a frame. He didn't really pay attention to us at all, actually. Then, when he sent the machine down the lane to clean it, he moved the machine to the next lane, but left the power cord stretched across our runway until another employee came over and moved it. Before that, he was walking between our lane and the lane next to us. He was wearing socks, but his socks were leaving a white powder on everything, so there were white footprints everywhere he went, and we walked on our lane and left footprints there. (Incidentally, this employee started bowling a little bit later, and he was pretty amazing. He would swing the bowling ball back almost completely vertical, then bowl it, and when he bowled the ball, it was incredibly fast and incredibly smooth). Right after this, another employee came over and, without saying anything to us, turned off our computer screen.

Anyway, here's my list of the ten best (as in favorite) fiction books I read this year, as promised. Tim (and I think this is the first time I've directly addressed a person while writing here), I'm sorry that you already know about at least most of these, but thats the way the milk curdles.


Top Ten Fiction
The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
City of Saints and Madmen - Jeff Vandermeer
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Snow - Orhan Pamuk
Saturday - Ian McEwan
The Road - Cormac McCarthy
A Personal Affair - Kenzaburo Oe
Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami


Those are in no particular order. I had enough trouble figuring out what would be on my top 10 (it became pretty arbitrary at the end). There were a lot of good books I read that weren't on the list. I'm a little surprised that Saturday and The Road made it on, because I didn't think that much of them when I read them. Looking back though, they seem better. And...I don't really want to do a list of best non-fiction, so I won't.

So below here is a pretty complete list of what I read over the year. This doesn't take into account most of the poetry, any of the Bible, or some of the plays and articles and whatever else I read. It's basically just books that I read and finished this year, along with a few plays and epics.

A quick analysis of this list: about 60% of what I read was fiction. That means about 40% was non-fiction. I read authors from USA, Japan, Russia, Greece, Italy, Haiti, South Africa, France, Algeria, Germany, Holland, India, Turkey, Afghanistan, and Denmark. Next year, I'd like to get more Latin American and Spanish writers in (and I really want to read Jose Saramago, who is from Portugal).

Telling Secrets - Frederick Buechner
Remains of the Day- Kazuo Ishiguro
A Pale View of Hills - Kazuo Ishiguro
The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
A Theology as Big as the City - Ray Bakke
The Iliad - Homer
The Aeneid - Virgil
The Republic - Plato
Nichomachean Ethics - Aristotle
History of the Peloponnesian War - Thucydides
Masters of the Dew - Jacques Roumain
Maria Chapdelaine - Louis Hemon
Poetry Handbook - Mary Oliver
Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
Elements of Narrative - H. Porter Abbott
Foe - J.M. Coetzee
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Walking on Water - Madeleine L'engle
Confessions - Augustine
Discourse on Free Will - Luther/Erasmus
The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli
The Rule of St Benedict - Benedict
The Inferno - Dante
Paradise Lost -John Milton
History of the English Language - Albert C. Baugh
The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne
Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
Steppenwolf - Hermann Hesse
Aristotle's Children - Richard Rubenstein
City of Saints and Madmen - Jeff Vandermeer
East, West - Salman Rushdie
Bel Canto - Ann Patchett
The Stranger - Albert Camus
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Urban Tribes - Ethan Watters
Disgrace - J.M. Coetzee
The Moor's Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie
Language in Thought and Action - S.I. Hayakawa
Snow - Orhan Pamuk
Saturday - Ian McEwan
Freakonomics - Stephen Levitt
Four Quartets - T.S. Eliot
Silence - Shusaku Endo
Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott
The Road - Cormac McCarthy
Fires - Raymond Carver
The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis
Twelfth Night - William Shakespeare
The Merchant of Venice - William Shakespeare
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Large Catechism - Martin Luther
Fear and Trembling - Soren Kierkegaard
The Divine Conspiracy - Dallas Willard
The White Castle - Orhan Pamuk
The Temple of the Golden Pavilion - Yukio Mishima
A Personal Affair - Kenzaburo Oe
A Wild Sheep Chase - Haruki Murakami
Doctor Faustus - Christopher Marlowe
Beowulf
The Sound of the Mountain - Yasunari Kawabata
The Wounded Healer - Henri Nouwen

strange events today

1. Playing Backgammon with Mom

Yesterday my Mom and I played backgammon with each other for the first time. She beat me 2/3 games. Today, we got it out again. On the first game, I was doing very well. Somehow, it got to the point where I had one piece left, and she had two. It was my turn, and I looked at the board and said, "There's only one thing I can roll to not win, a 1 and 2." So I rolled, and the dice were 1 and 2. WTF. I had a 17/18 chance to win on that roll. That is a 94% chance to win, and I got the only possible losing roll.

2. Sneezing Cat

I was hanging out in my room, probably reading, when I noticed that the cat was sneezing. He wasn't just sneezing though, it was an unusual type of cat sneeze that I can't really explain. So I told my mom that the cat was sneezing a whole bunch, and she came in. I noticed from a distance that there was something dark, it looked black, on the cat's nose. I thought it might be some snot. So I said something, and my mom noticed that it was a piece of grass, maybe a centimeter long, stuck in the cat's nose. She tried to take it out but the cat was too feisty and wouldn't keep still enough. I went over and held the cat's head and she pulled a blade of grass out of its nose that was several inches long. WTF.

3. Books

I realized today that the author(s) I've read the most in my life is probably Jerry Jenkins and Tim Lahaye, authors of the Left Behind books. Most as in the highest number of individual books. Perhaps Frank Peretti. This is strange to me because a) I didn't realize it and b) I probably won't ever read something by either of them again. But, if we went by volume of works, and amount that I've reread, I think the author I've read the most would either be Robert Jordan, Brian Jacques, or Stephen Donaldson.

How did I realize this? I started to compile a list of every book that I've read in my life. Actually, there were several years where I was keeping track of everything I read, then I stopped because I felt like I was trying to set some sort of record rather than reading for its own sake. Then I started again and today I decided to make a list of all books. I'm at about 400 right now, and it surprises me that it's not more. What bugs me is the kids books. I don't want to try to figure out all the Hardy Boys and Boxcar Children books that I've read, and I won't. But those serial kids books would probably add a couple more hundred to the list. There are a lot of books that aren't on the list yet, but it surprises me that even with all the kids books and ones I've forgotten, and probably all the re-reads, I've read less than 1000 books in my life. What does this mean? It means I need to be freaking careful about what I read. No time for bad books.

Coming soon: my top ten reads of 2007, and some statistics for my years reading.

Babel

A few days ago I borrowed the movie Babel from some friends. This was a bootleg copy, and apparently whoever designed the cover for the bootleg version was either pulling up reviews at random off the internet, or really didn't like Babel. Here's what some of the critical reviews on the cover were: "A dissappointment for two performances that should have stood out. Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett stand out, but only too briefly. Four story lines that interlink only slightly, with one not needed at all" - Steven Chupnick. And, "The world spanning story has intriguing elements...But, the overall study falls short of the individual stories" - Robin Clifford.

Hmmm. It was also funny that the cover listed it as PG-13 for "some sex-related material" when in reality it was rated R for "violence, some graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use."

Anyway, after watching the movie last night, it seems that Chupnick missed the whole point of the movie if he's complaining that Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett didn't stand out enough. This was not a movie about Americans, or Mexicans, or Japanese, or Moroccans, for any of them to "stand out". It was about how different lives--mostly of strangers--affect each other, how people are connected. Something like that.

So, after 3 days my face is still swollen from wisdom tooth removal. This has never happened to me before.

Absurd story from my life: Last night I went with my family to eat a Christmas dinner at one of the nicest hotels/resorts in Chiang Rai. Many of my friends were there with their families as well. It was an outside dinner, and there was a band playing on a stage at one end of the lawn. Anyway, when I was finished eating, two of my friends came up to me and said they were going to play a few songs up on the stage, and asked if I wanted to play bass with them up there. So we went to this stage, and the musicians let us use their instruments, and we played a few Christmas songs. It was pretty sweet.

a few questions

How concerned was Jesus, really, with sin? What did Jesus mean when he talked about sin? What did Jesus want to save people from? If Jesus' death was necessary for the forgiveness of sins, then how was it that he was already forgiving people of their sins prior to his death?

Jesus seems to spend less time telling people that they're sick than he does actually healing them, and less time telling people they're sinful than he does telling them how to find life.

I don't ever want to try to convince someone that they are a sinner, that they are messed up, and that they need Jesus. This seems like something that people are either intuitively aware of or else will not be convinced of by arguing with them.

Lately, I've had a lot of problems with the word 'ministry'. Well, maybe not a lot of problems, I've just been skeptical of it. I think what I don't like is talking about other people as my ministry or someone else's ministry. It seems too impersonal, or dehumanizing. And I know that's not the intent of people who use the word, but I also know that I would feel very uncomfortable telling someone that they were my ministry. Perhaps a part of it is that its too professional, and maintains unequal relationships of minister and ministree. Anyway, perhaps more on this later.

music dog knowledge

I read this yesterday in Yukio Mishima's Temple of the Golden Pavilion:

"Music is like a dream. At the same time it is, on the contrary, like a more distinct form
of consciousness than that of our normal waking hours."

That is also a good description of some of my favorite books, like Snow, or authors, like Murakami.

Anyway, dogs make me feel guilty. One of our dogs, when I come home on the motorbike and am driving down our long driveway, always runs in front of me, and she's so friendly, and I never play with her, and I always feel bad about this. I feel guilty because the dogs are so friendly and want to play, but I don't play with them.

I feel very curious and interested in tourists. Tonight, I was thinking about this, and thought that maybe it's because when they're here, they're in a place that they don't belong, and when people are in places they don't belong, there's an interesting story for why they're there and where they're from. I used to make fun of tourists a lot, but I don't feel the same level of scorn that I used to. When I feel scornful is when I'm around tourists who start talking about things in Thailand like they know what they're talking about, or when they got it out of a travel book.

I feel power over people when I know where they acquired a certain piece of knowledge or advice, or a certain idea from. In the same vein, I feel embarrassed when I express something that isn't my own when there's people around who know where I got it from. Some times.

Sex and sexual attraction are closely connected in my mind to knowledge and intelligence. I know it's really weird when people talk about what's sexy to them, but what the hell.

crucifixion

The death of Jesus confuses me. The traditional explanation seems to be that Jesus was sacrificed to atone for the sins of humanity, this seems to be found in the Bible also. What I don't know is whether or not this explanation of Jesus as sacrifice is a metaphor to get at a part of what happened at Jesus' death or whether that is the end of it, whether that is it in its entirety.

Here's another thing that confuses me: I feel that Jesus' death was necessary, but I'm not sure why. Why did Jesus have to die to atone for sin? Is this because "the wages of sin is death"? Maybe. What I don't understand is why death is necessary for God's plan to be carried out. Saying that Jesus' death was necessary to satisfy God's wrath creates an image of a vengeful God who just needs to kill something to be happy. So I don't if it's Jesus' death that was necessary or the symbol of his death that was necessary. In other words, maybe what was important about his death wasn't his actual death but the symbol it created of making things right with God, a symbol that would have been impossible without his actual death. In the end, it seems strange to me that death, any death, whether a bull or a goat or God on earth as Jesus, could appease God.

Also, I wonder if the resurrection of Jesus is maybe more important than his death. Maybe it shows that things don't end at death, the end is life and making things new.

Ikkyu

I came across this poem by Ikkyu, a 15th century Zen priest, yesterday, and thought it was intriguing and decided to share it.

For ten days in this temple my mind's been in turmoil.
My feet are entangled in endless red strings.
If some day you get around to looking for me,
Try the fish shop, the wine parlour, or the brothel.

That's it. (As a note, the priests were forbidden to eat meat or drink wine, and presumably to frequent brothels.)

Here's a statistic I came across tonight in Time magazine: 32,155 Japanese people committed suicide in 2006, a 1.2 % drop from 2005. That shocked me. That's about 1 suicide every 16 minutes. And, that's only Japanese people, not total suicides in the world in a year.

The times that I want to die the most are the times when I feel tired. Not tired as in, "Wow, I need to go to sleep because I can't keep my eyes open" tired, but an incredible weariness of life, and wanting that to be over. Not suffering itself, but weariness from the presence of suffering.

asexually reproductive blankets

I had a dream last night that my blankets were asexually reproducing. This was quite a bother because in my dream I was trying to move out of my room, but when my stuff began to multiply that made things stressful.

Anyway, things get dirty very fast here, like shoes. My shoes are probably dirtier after a few days here than they would have been after months of wear in the States.

I have an appointment to remove my final wisdom tooth on the 22nd. This is annoying, but it would probably be more annoying to leave it in, and I'll do it after I take part in energetic activities this year like a football game and a school dance, that way I won't get headaches.

For better and worse, Chiang Rai feels the same as it always did. This is nice in some ways, but it also is frustrating. I'd like to make things new here, at least for my own experience, but I'm not sure how to do that.

Finished reading A Wild Sheep Chase by Murakami. Thoughts? It was good, as in enjoyable, but as usual with Murakami, I don't get it. It also felt more all over the place than his other novels that I've read. Also, Murakami likes to write about weird things that are living inside of people.

Anywayz, reading The Brothers Karamazov now, and it's pretty sweet so far.

chiang rai

Well, I'm home. I've been awake for about 21 hours and I think I'll try to stay up another hour or so. The weird thing about traveling this way, from America to Thailand, is that I had a really long night followed by a really long day. I had about 18 hours of darkness. It's weird to sleep for 6 or 7 hours and wake up in the dark, and to not have it get light for another 4 hours. It's also loopy when you don't have a way to tell time, so it's like no time has passed when you wake up. Another weird thing is when you wake up and the man sitting next to you on the plane has no shirt on.

So I read two books while traveling: The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk and A Personal Matter by Kenzaburo Oe. I enjoyed them both but I don't really have much to say about them. Castle felt like a sort of parable, and Oe felt like he was the father of Murakami.

I think that 4 people on my last flight were raptured. I was sitting on an aisle seat on one side of the plane, and the whole middle row of people disappeared, as in they were not there at the end of the flight. I definitely remember them being there, too, because I looked over at one guy's watch to see what time it was. On that same flight, Thai airways gave out pens and magnetic bookmarks to everyone on the flight in celebration of the king's 80th birthday, which was december 5.

I think I'm getting a little loopy because I'm tired. Sometimes when I talk my words don't come out right.

It ended up that I did six Sudoku on my travels. Here's where I did them: SeaTac Gate S 15, Somewhere Above the Olympic Peninsula, Somewhere Above Alaska, Above Japan (more like above oceans very near Alaska and Japan), in Taipei, and in Bangkok.

Anyway, rest well my honey bunches of oats.

Seattle ----> Taipei

Well, I was weak. My flight left Seattle at about 1:30 in the morning, and I meant to stay up until 7:00 in the morning, so that when I went to sleep I would be going to bed around 9:00 at night Thai time. I didn't last. I went to bed sometime between 3:00 and 4:00, then woke up around midnight Thai time. Oops.

I did do 3 Sudoku puzzles, though, and I read a book, and I listened to what I think was Chinese pop music (best song I heard: "I love you, Bubong"). And I ate some food.

I think the worst part of the flight for me is after they bring food, and I eat whatever I'm going to eat, then I have to sit there and wait for them to pick up my tray. I think at the second meal today there was about an hour long wait after they gave us food until they cleaned it up. I hate feeling trapped by a dumb tray of food.

Anyway, off to Bangkok soon.

new

Tonight, while praying with a friend of mine, I felt very strongly that God is making things right. God is ahead of me working to make things good in the broken relationships and in the hard places and in the suffering. It wasn't just about me, or even primarily about me, though, it had more to do with something at the core of who God is (I think) and that I'm a part of that, and seeing that clearly. New creation.

My prayers this quarter have changed. They've changed from requesting God's involvement in something to realizing that God already is involved, and moving from that fact.

Other thought of the day: beginning a relationship of any sort with another human being means that they become a part of you and you become a part of them. When does that begin? Names. I think the exchange of names shows a willingness to become a part of someone else's life and to enter into their life, to give them a name rather than leaving them as something without identity. That is why meeting people can be exhausting.

Christmas Reading List

On the shelf in front of me, there is a stack of books. These are the books that I'm planning to read over Christmas break. I'm thinking of this stack as the carrot hanging in front of me that keeps me moving.

Here's what I have on that list:

The Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoevsky
The White Castle - Orhan Pamuk
The Temple of the Golden Pavilion - Yukio Mishima
The Sound of the Mountain - Yasunari Kawabata
A Personal Matter - Kenzaburo Oe
The Makioka Sisters - Junchiro Tanizaki
A Wild Sheep Chase - Haruki Murakami
The Master of Petersburg - J.M. Coetzee

Eight books. That's a lot of books. I don't know if I'll get through them all, but I'm going to try. I think I'll try to read the Pamuk book on the flight over to Thailand, but we'll see how that works out. I tend to not get much read on flights, but I will be by myself this time.

Side note: I wrote a poem for class recently about a dream about monkeys. One person in my class said it was like "a banned children's cartoon." I thought that was pretty sweet.

Anyway, it' s time to get the cart moving.

music

This is my 100th post on here. Yep.

When people ask me what kind of music I listen to, I feel a little ridiculous. I don't listen to music much, because I don't have a stereo and I don't like listening to music on headphones with my computer all the time. Or, when I'm on my computer I can't listen to music because I'm trying to concentrate on writing.

I don't keep up with music. I almost never buy it or acquire new music, so I'm basically stuck in the early 2000s. And, I don't listen to enough music to say I properly listen to any genre.

That's why I feel ridiculous.

But I have seen a lot of live music this quarter. And I'm listening to some right now.

ideas ----> reality

Writing women sucks. In my stories, I feel like all my female characters are terrible and not very convincing.

Anyway, a friend of mine recently asked me how to move from ideas of God to the real thing, and I'm really glad he asked me, because it's something I'm trying to figure out. Here are two things I told him.

1) Stop thinking about what God is like, and start thinking about what he does. Yes, God is holy. Yes, God is good, but to say God is good without being able to identify what good things he does, especially in your life, is focusing on God as an abstraction and not God as a living being. So start taking some time to look at your day, at your week, at your life, and identify where God has been. Not in the sense of invention, where you arbitrarily assign action to God, just reflect and see what comes out, watch out for him during the day.

2) Change the focus of your actions from doing things for God to doing things with God. I feel like there is a lot of emphasis on sacrifice in Christianity, and its true that God requires change and sacrifice. But I wonder if this just turns into a lot of Christians with martyr complexs who are obsessed with what they can sacrifice for God. The problem is that sacrificing things for God doesn't require the presence of God. God doesn't need to be real to make sacrifices for him. Doing things with God focuses on the presence of God, and I think there's a lot more joy to joining God than killing yourself for him. My sacrifice and my love for God is never greater than God's love for me, and I'm not interested in trying to have greater love than his or to refuse the joy he's trying to bring me because I'm obsessed with sacrifice.

Also, God may not want us to make all the sacrifices we think we need to make for him or that we want to make for him. Why try to love God more than he loves you? Why throw away what God is trying to give to you?

Seek God. That's my advice. Have a nice day.

dareem

Why did Jesus leave once he came back to life? He said that if he didn't leave, the Holy Spirit wouldn't come, but I don't understand that either.

Anyway, I had a dream about a plane crash the other night. I was riding in a car, and the sky was very gray, and then there was a plane flying low, it passed by overhead. Then, when our car was passing over a bridge, I looked out into the water, and the plane had crashed and split in two, but the plane had caught on some pole, like it had been impaled over it. That's my dream.

move-e's

Movies I have watched this weekend: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Magnolia, Children of Men, No Country for Old Men. This is probably more movies than I watched all last school year. I was surprised that I liked No Country, I expected there to be a lot of violence, and there was, but there was something good about the movie too. It wasn't an action movies. Action movies don't mean anything, but this movie meant something. And, as non-sensical as it sounds, it wasn't particularly cruel violence in the movie. Violence that really disturbs me is torture and torment and people terrorizing other people, prolonged pain and cruelty. Something else that stuck out to me about the movie was that it was almost completely devoid of sexuality, an unsual absence in movies. That doesn't make it better, or worse, it is what it is.

And I saw a movie about food. I don't know what the name of it was, but it was really interesting. Here are the equations that the movie came down to: corporate farming = evil, family farming = good. Hah.

I was lying (in doors) in my friend's hammock today, and drinking coffee, and listening to Christmas music, and I noticed how much imagery is in Christmas music. This is maybe what is unique and good about a lot of Christmas music. At that same time, I learned that I like cream in my coffee. That's good to know, too.

I feel like I've been a jerk lately, and I don't like that, and I want that to change.

part 2

If love isn't loving the image of yourself in others, then the other side of it is that you don't reflect to others their own image, or what you think they will love about you. That occurred to me in the shower earlier.

Anyway, I feel like most of my interactions with people are very uncomfortable and I come away from them feeling like a failure. This is especially true when I'm in groups of people, not so much if I'm alone with someone. It feels crippling, but I don't really know what it is. Time to change, mostly because 90% of the time I'm around people, I'm in a group of them.

Here's what I think: it's hard to be around different groups of people all the time. Groups of people are manageable if they're consistent and if I know them. Groups of people are hard to manage when they are inconsistent and if I don't know them. That is what I think it is.

phone call

I was talking to an old friend on the phone tonight, and she said something that was very thought provoking. She was talking about loving people, and about how she was learning to love people for who they are instead of loving the image of herself that she saw in them. This is important. I don't want to love people because they're like me, and ignore the differences or ignore what I dislike about them. That's not love, foo. 

Love. Blah blah blah.

monkey catching

It's time to put the pieces together.

1. I want to go to India this summer.
2. New Delhi has a monkey problem.

1 + 2 = I go to India and make money as a monkey catcher in New Delhi. Foolproof.

Pros of this idea: I'm in India as a monkey catcher
Cons of this idea: none.

I feel like I had an important revelation today in class that I've forgotten now. Oops. Oh yeah, I remember. We were talking about Luther's combat model of Christianity, he viewed the Christian life very much as a battle against different evils. I don't resonate with this model. Here are two of the reasons:

1) A combat model supposes that there is an actual battle between good and evil. The problem with this is that this battle idea looks like two equal forces fighting each other, where the outcome is uncertain. But the outcome is certain. God wins in the end. He wins on this earth and he wins in me. In that sense, there is no battle, it's done with, done for. That gives me a lot of peace, to know that whatever struggles I face, it's done with. And that's not peace that makes me feel lazy or like obedience to God is unimportant. More, I think, it's peace that makes it easier for me to love. I don't believe in predestination, but I do think that it's done with.

2) I don't see Jesus viewing his own life and mission primarily as combat. God sent his son because he loved the world, not because he needed to fight against it. Jesus came to bring life, full life. When I think of Jesus, I don't think of him fighting, I think of him coming and "kissing a guilty world in love." I see his life as an embrace, not as a battle. One of the guy's in my class rightly pointed out that Jesus talks about not coming to bring peace, but a sword. But whatever division Jesus causes, whatever battle he takes part in, I see this within the context of his love and not the other way around, just like I see God's hatred of sin as secondary to his love.

Love love love, I feel like I talk about that a lot, and I'm getting a little sick of hearing myself.

A third reason: I don't view my life as a struggle against sin. Is there some such struggle? The answer is obviously yes in that I sin. But that's not how I view my day or orient my life. I try to orient it towards seeking God and joining in with God. This has been a change that has been developing for a long time, and mostly in the last year and a half. I don't feel that by not focusing on morality I've become a less moral person. And, I can definitely say that I don't freak out as much about whether or not I'm doing what's right. I don't feel guilty as much, and I think that's good. It's more about struggling towards God than trying to get away from sin, and the distinction is important.

control

So today I got the album Control by Pedro the Lion. I ordered it a week ago, and it came in the mail. I actually ordered it when I was feeling pretty down, though I don't usually think of myself as someone who buys stuff to cheer themself up. Hmm...

Anyway, I haven't listened to it yet. Why? Because I haven't had time to sit down with it and listen to the whole thing straight through. That's what I feel the album asks of me. And now I'm going to Oregon, and I'm not going to have a chance to listen to it there either.

So I'm learning control over Control. That's all.

boosk

Theology gets in the way of actually reading the Bible. The Bible also gets in the way of actually reading the Bible. More specifically, theology gets in the way of reading what a text actually says. Especially doctrine that supposes the Bible is non-contradictory. Going into things with that expectation makes it difficult to read what is really there because you're too busy trying to figure out how it fits in with the rest of the Bible and fits in with your theology or with doctrine.

When studying the Bible and discussing it with people, I think it would be a good policy to not bring in anything said in any other book of the Bible until you've decided on what a text actually says. Then you try to reconcile and piece things together. There's more integrity to it that way.

Last weekend, I was hiking with some friends and playing Desert Isle. This is the game where you say what books, movies, music, whatever you would take with you on a desert island. I realized that I wouldn't take any Christian books. I would, however, take stories. For whatever reason, books on doctrine and how to live as a Christian seem irrelevent if I'm alone, whereas stories seem always relevant. This isn't something I came at from that point of view, it's just me trying to figure out why I chose stories. Not that it's any surprise, since I mostly read stories anyway.

It's not such a bad thing. I wouldn't take either of my favorite bands--mewithoutYou, Pedro the Lion. In that setting, being alone, their music isn't as relevant either. But I still love it.

The Bible doesn't count as a Christian book. And, we said that we couldn't count it. But I think I would take it, because it's sweet.

God isn't petty (I hope)

Roughly 90% of my theology is based on the hope that God isn't petty. "You've never heard of me, but I will send you to hell anyway." Petty, very petty. Must be false. "You did wrong, now I will hurt you." Petty, must be false. This sort of revenge, in general, is petty. Revenge is petty. "You haven't been baptized, therefore you are not saved." Petty. Sending anyone to hell for anything, actually, seems ridiculously extreme. People going to hell because they essentially chose to, that makes more sense, but God actually choosing to punish someone for eternity does not make sense.

I can understand causing others suffering when there is a greater good in mind. I can understand the need to hurt someone to prevent them from hurting others. Someone is shooting a crowd of people, I can understand the use of violence to stop this. I don't know if I think it's right, but I can understand it. Sending a person into eternal punishment doesn't help anyone. No one benefits from others being in hell. Disciplining a child makes sense, to help them change. But if punishment is eternal, there is no chance to change, and it does not make sense.

luke

No, this is not a post about Luke Wilcox, this is about the Gospel of Luke.

If John is about the mystery of Christ, and Mark is about the kindness and compassion of Christ, Luke has been about the faithfulness of God, as I've been reading through it. I'm not sure if faithfuness is the right word, but here's what I mean: over and over again in Luke, people are told to not be afraid, to not worry, but to trust in God. Reading it, it's almost like what I'm hearing is "Chill out, son." Anyway, it's been really good to read through. As an aside, I've been hearing a lot lately about Peter walking on water.

I want to travel this summer. I want to get out of America and go somewhere I haven't been before, and go for a good amount of time. Summer in Seattle was good, but I don't know if I could do it again another year. I don't know where I want to go yet, maybe India, maybe somewhere in Africa, maybe Brazil. I'm really attracted to the Middle East as well, especially Iran, but I don't know if that would work out.

Another thing: I've been thinking and talking with people lately about how financial responsibility doesn't mean saving money, that it doesn't mean frugality, that financial responsibility serves as a function of a greater responsibility to follow what is good and what is part of the kingdom of God. So I've been thinking about this a lot as I think about the summer, because I have no money, and if I did I would probably need it for school. This thinking makes sense, but I'm not sure if its correct. Right now, I want to figure out if traveling is good, and move from there rather than figuring out if I have money, and moving from there. Money seems like an irrelevant obstacle for God. So if I can figure out what God wants, it's not something I have to worry about either.

Another thing: I want to travel, but I don't feel drawn to doing some sort of missions trip. Part of it is that I want freedom to move around. I think that wherever I would go, I would want to see what is going on, what ministries are there, what problems the area is facing, and maybe help out where I find a need, I just don't feel compelled to find something right now to get involved with. For some reason, I feel like a lot of my friends would judge me for this.

So, I don't know if this will come to anything. But it's on my mind for now, so I'm putting it up here.

fun!

I'm not having much fun in life. I don't do much either by myself or with friends that is actually fun. I never play games with people here. No sports. No music. And I miss that. Life without fun is just so much weight. It's not bad, just heavy.

time

I am intensely aware of time and of the impermanence of life. I am always thinking of what is coming next, and don't really like this. I think that's part of the reason I never decorate my room, because it's hard to see a point when I have to take it all down again so soon. I used to think about this a lot with relationships, I wouldn't talk to teams that came to my house much, because they were just going to leave right away. Then I changed and sometimes did. Anyway, I'd like to become less aware of time.

birds

There is a dead bird on the steps leading to my dorm. When I walked up from breakfast, I saw him there, and looked at him (or her) for a while. There was a hole straight through the side of his hide, his eyes were gone. I came up to my room and when I looked back down at the body, a crow was there pecking at it. It looked like the crow was trying to pull his head off.

That's my story.

she's so lucky, she's a star

Today, I feel very blessed with the friends and family that I have, my roommate, my floor, the communities I'm in. I was with friends watching other friends play music at a local coffee shop, and wondering how I got so lucky. Some of the music was very moving and very beautiful, like I wanted to dance. I wanted to close my eyes and listen but at the same time it was sweet just to watch them play, to watch how they look when they play music.

I was thinking about universalism today. When I think about universalism, that God might save people out of hell, it makes me feel like God is this huge ocean that I'm swimming in, that I'm immersed in. It makes me feel like I'm drowning, not in the negative sense, or the sense that I'm dying, just that there is something massive that is filling me up and up and up.

One time in high school my school's football team played against a Thai school's, and there was a kid on the other team wearing a shirt that said "God is too big for one religion." I don't know what I thought of it at the time, but it's stuck in my mind ever since. That shirt is how I feel. It's a big mistake to limit God's love and God's presence to Christianity, or to limit knowledge of God to Christianity.

Today, I also feel very interested in finding out more what the kingdom of heaven is. It's not the church, the church is just a piece. I think whatever it is, it's pretty sweet, and something that I want to be a part of, something that I hopefully am a part of already.

home

I miss waking up to the sun and getting out of bed without feeling cold. It's only bad when I wake up really sweaty because there's too much sun. I've missed home a lot lately, this quarter, and I'm really looking forward to being back even for 3 weeks and seeing everyone.

prayer

I realized today why it's very hard for me to pray.

When I pray, I become incredibly aware of my own suffering, the suffering of others, and the suffering of the world. The amount of suffering and pain and problems in the world is overwhelming, and when I pray, I feel overwhelmed. Soon after this, I saw a friend of mine, and told her what I'd figured out. She said, "Well isn't that the point, to give those things up to God?" And I think she's right, except that doesn't happen for me. I don't feel free and at peace after praying, usually. Often times, I feel worse and maybe more confused than when I started. When I pray, I feel like I need to enter into this great suffering, and I can't, I'm not enough for it.

When I pray, I'm not as struck by God's goodness as I am by humanity's pain.

But I think that I have to, that I have to enter into the suffering of others and the world and myself. When I'm face to face with one of my friends who is suffering, as happened today, I realize that I need to, that it's not enough to coast, to avoid prayer just because its incredibly difficult.

bitte

Tonight at church, I realized that I feel bitter against God for not helping me out more, for not guiding me, for not speaking to me. I'm tired of asking God for help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling confused.

And, actually, it's not so much that I feel that God doesn't help me, because I think he does. He just helps me without speaking to me. He helps me without eliminating confusion.

I'm tired, really, of asking God for help. Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me.

Right now, if I'm not following "God's plan", I blame God and not myself. That's how I feel. Because I seek after him and he doesn't speak to me, so why should he expect me to follow him well?

solutions

I realized the other day that I am extremely skeptical of solutions. Often, I can agree with people about what a problem is, but doubt the solutions they propose for ending that problem or overcoming that obstacle. So often I end up not doing anything, or if I move, I move with reluctance and skepticism.

Most methods and suggested solutions probably do suck. As in they're inadequate for solving the problem. But that may be irrelevant. What is important is if a solution is moving in the right direction and not perpetuating the problem.

What I don't respond well to is solutions that involve coercion or manipulation, guilting people into action, whether its me being manipulated or others. This is how I felt a few months ago when I heard a speaker who was raising money for an organization that works with kids around the world. She was extremely manipulative, very much about guilting people into giving. I hated the idea of giving money to her organization, just because she was involved with it and I didn't want to do anything to benefit her in any way. But even if what she was doing there as she spoke was sick, was wrong, what the organization was doing was good. So I gave some money. Maybe what I should have done was donated money online so that it wouldn't be connected with her. I obviously still resent her.

It's never good to make people feel guilty or to try to make people feel guilty. Ever. Especially if the reason is to get them to help out with something. Manipulation is never good. Blah blah blah.

Another thing I've learned about myself: I'm reluctant to act or help if I feel unnecessary and if I feel ignorant. I usually feel happier if I join in anyway, though. Whatevz.

responsibility

Tonight, I was able to articulate to a friend of mine something that I've been on the edge of realizing for a while: God's idea of responsibility is different than mine. We were talking about money, and that's what I said. I would rather think first about whether something is good or not, and think second about money. God's idea of financial responsibility may not mean buying only what I need, or saving money, or being thrifty, though those things will probably be a part of it. But I think those things tend towards worshipping money, and worshipping God is way more important than worshipping money. I'd rather do things that bring life and joy to others (and myself). Like give gifts, go out, travel, donate, celebrate, have parties. Money is worthless and may be the least important part of financial responsibility. I feel much more responsible to seek life and love others.

The irony of this is that this is ultimately my idea of responsibility, but I say that I think it's God's. Oh well, it fits with what I know about God. It's not about selfishness or pleasure, it's about life and not worshipping money.

I worry about money sometimes, but I think that if I seek what is good, the money will take care of itself (that is, God will take care of it). Whatever planning goes on in my life, that is how the plans should work, with money coming in at the end.

failing at life (epic title)

I'm tired of life right now. It's difficult for me to imagine how tired I will feel when I am old (if I live that long). If, at 20 (and it began a long time ago), I can feel tired of life, I imagine that at 60 or 80 the weight of life will be crushing. I'm ready for things to end. It's not that there's any danger of me taking my own life, there's not, it's just that if everything finished tomorrow, or tonight as I write this, I wouldn't mind. Of course there are things that I want to do still in life, but I wouldn't mind if Jesus was here.

Here's why I'm tired: I'm tired of failing at life. And lately I've felt a lot that I'm failing at life. I'm not who I want to be. I don't mean that in a moral sense, that's a very minor part of it, I mostly mean in a relational sense, that I can't function the way I want to, that I don't have the freedom that I want around people. Every once in a while I get in that groove, and interacting with people is sweet, but a lot of the time it's just difficult and I sit there praying for Jesus to help me. Sometimes, then, I continue to fail at life and sometimes I continue to fail then at the end something sweet and confusing happens.

Here's what also makes me tired: I'm tired of my own arrogance and intolerance. Who I am intolerant of? Tonight, I'm thinking mostly of theologically conservative people who have a different understanding of the Bible. I have, or can have, an incredibly difficult time being around them or having a conversation about the Book or theology with them. Maybe because I feel like they are often intolerant and arrogant, and suspect that they think what I believe is heretical. The sad thing is that I'm probably just as dogmatic as they are. The irony is that I know being right is less important than love, I just can't always live that out with some people. Sorry for the stereotyping and lumping a diverse group of people together, many of whom have positively influenced my life and faith and have loved me. I don't like to feel violent, but sometimes I feel violent around people because of their beliefs. Verbally or intellectually or emotionally violent, not physically.

That's about it.

spiritual autobiograpy

I wrote a spriritual autobiography for class. If anyone wants to read it, please ask and I can email it to you.

ignorance

I don't even know how to follow God. I will probably be saying this my whole life. And, I wish sometimes that God would just speak and tell me things as clearly as a human would. But maybe if he did he would get annoying. Not so much annoying as overwhelming. Maybe that there is the exact reason that I don't feel God's guidance more, because I'm not really ready to be overwhelmed. Oh well, I'm headed that way.

Except I do feel God's guidance, at times, and see it in my life, day to day. At least I think it's God's guidance. I guess it's okay to primarily be in touch with the sneaky, subtle side of God as opposed to the explicit side.

My whole life, I will probably struggle with knowing how to pray as well. Prayer isn't very appealing when it makes you feel rotten. Not rotten in the sense of feeling rotten about "sin in my life" or something like that, but rotten in the sense that I don't know how to pray, and feel overwhelmed with the immensity of communication with God, and that all my communications are corrupted and inadequate. A lot of times when I pray, I feel like I'm missing the point, like I'm insulting God one way or another.

Reading and writing is usually how I relax, it's interesting to be back in school where reading and writing are what I do for work. Reading and writing to relax isn't as effective. I go on more walks. I almost never went on walks at night during the summer, and maybe that's why.

gratitude

Good things about today: getting my wallet back, dinner with my brother, park with friend, discussion with friend and professor, reading out loud with friend, check from aunt, sermon at group, eating chicken off the bone. I think I always have more to be grateful for than I realize.

Sleepy time.

reflections in my old age

Lately, I've realized a few things that have been long-running in my life. Where long running means since I was little. I see this in my sense of humor: It was at about 10 years old that I realized that deliberately making fun of people for something that I myself also did (where they knew this too) was very funny. Tonight, when I was at Barnes and Noble, I realized that since I was about 10 years old, I've appreciated moral ambiguity in stories. No simple lines between good guys and bad guys, no moral stereotypes. What a good little post-modernist I was. Who knows, maybe it even began before that, but that's the first example that I can clearly remember. I'm sure my parents could tell me more.

It's funny, I used to be very much a non moral relativist, and now I feel very drawn to relativism. But the whole time, I have been fascinated with subjectivity, and over this time my views have not changed significantly. In other words, what I would have told you about moral relativism is probably the same now that it was then: some things are subjective, other things are not. Which makes me an objectivist still. Oh well, I still think of myself in a lot of ways as a relativist. Maybe now I just have a greater sensitivity towards relativism, and a greater understanding, and I'm away from some of the panicked reactions to moral relativism. It isn't just about doing what feels good, because sometimes doing what's right is doing what everyone else thinks is wrong and feeling shitty and frightened about it at the same time. It isn't a form of self-justification. I think it's a way of staying sane, among other things, and this is very important.

Whatevz

ssssssss

I feel very broke up right now. By life. It's very strange though, it's like at the same time that I feel broke up and confused and frustrated, there's something like God that runs deeper and that makes things seem okay. Not okay, but the feeling that things will be okay. It's not optimism, it's not something I'm just thinking or telling myself, just something that I sense, even when I feel very weary and bitter and useless. Whatever.

It wasn't until last year that I wanted Jesus to come back, and for everything to be right. But I really do now. There's nothing I have to do now that I wouldn't trade for that. I have no reasons now for Jesus to wait. Not that I really did before, it's just a change in desire, or perspective, not reality. I want things to be new, and right, and good.

I realized tonight that I've been away from doubt for quite a while. This was strange for me to realize, because doubt has been a central part of my journey with God so far, and tonight I wanted to return to that, and I didn't know if it was good or not that I was away for it for now. With God, the more analytic part of my brain has been turned off for a while, for better and worse. It will come back. Inevitably, it will be different than it was before, and that's good. I feel like my times of doubt weren't balanced out before by......experience of God, and now it is more so. Maybe I've been giving God too much slack lately, letting him off the hook a bit. Whatever.

"God hates sinners just the way they are." That's what a street preacher's sign said, that I saw yesterday. I felt humiliated, especially that people from my religion were preaching hate, and being hateful, where the Buddhist monks at the peace rally that I was at were preaching love and peace. Not that I would expect Buddhist monks to preach hate, because I wouldn't, but it's embarassing to me that something which should be focusing around God's great love ends up being about hate. At that moment, I would have much rather been identified with the Buddhists. Maybe Jesus felt the same way, though it's a big thing to speak for Jesus. God loves everyone.

I can't tell more than a few people the same thing in a day, or a short time period. Not anything that's really important to me. It's interesting for me to realize what things are important, that no one would guess were important to me, by whether or not I feel hesitant to talk about them because if I do it's like spreading myself out too much. That's how I feel about the dream I had last night, even though I've only talked about it 3 times today. But I'm gonna write it on here anyway.

So I was making out with this girl. I don't think she actually exists, but in my dream her name was Becky (though I kept forgetting, and thinking her name was Anne). Anyway, we made out, and did again the next night. Then for whatever reason, I decided that was a bad idea, and said we couldn't anymore. She got pissed and told her parents, who ended up being Les and Leslie Parrot (two professors here at SPU, not sure if that's how their last name is spelled, but it fits). Then her mom ended up coming up to me with a list of classes that I should take from her (like it was a threat, and these classes were punishment for giving her daughter the cold shoulder,) there was one that was something like "psychology and despair" that I thought actually sounded interesting. One of the guys on my floor confronted me about Becky, and asked if we had sex. And I told him no. That's about all that happened in the dream. Facebook also shut down because it ripped off of other sites, and I crashed my bike when the dirt road I was riding on dropped off into water. One of my rims was bent by the fall.

Listening to Death Cab right now, and it's yummy, and I'm going to bed.

post-classroom thoughts

I feel very strongly today that God loves everyone. God does not hate anyone. I know this runs contrary to specific verses that say God hates certain people, or people who do specific things. I think those verses are wrong, or hopefully just misunderstood. God hating anyone runs contrary to what I know and believe and experience about him, and it runs contrary to what Jesus tells us to do. Jesus can't tell us to love our enemies and then say that God hates his enemies, or hates anyone. And when Jesus tells us to love our enemies, he says this in the specific context that we are to be perfect as God is perfect. That is what I hold to, that perfection does not involve hatred for others, that loving God does not involve hatred for others.

I also feel that if God hates sin, it is because of his love for us. That should always be the context for viewing sin, as something which is irrelevant next to the love and mercy of God. Then again, mercy is only relevant in the context of our errors, in the context of our needing mercy. That's not the point. The point is that God's love is incomparably bigger than any wrong that I could do. This is also how I am coming to view sin. I hate it because of what it does to me, and what it does to my friends. Because of how it harms them and harms me. And the reason I hate that is because I love my friends. And if I can love my friends in spite of their sins, God can certainly do the same and love anyone in spite of their sins. Anyone. How petty it would be for me to hate anyone because of their sins. The same goes for God. Love is the context for viewing sin. I think that with love our view towards the sins of others (and maybe our own) is grief, and not disgust.

potry

Sometimes I write poems about God. I feel silly when I do this, a little ridiculous. Like anything I have written is so laughable compared to the real God, which I think it will be. I wonder if this is how the writers of the Bible felt. Not to compare my writing to scripture, but I wonder sometimes how writers of the Bible would feel if they knew how much we hold up their writings. If they would be uncomfortable with that, if they would think that their writing about God is ridiculous and silly. Not false, maybe, just funny.

Anyway, I feel silly sometimes writing poems about God, or sex, or love, or death, or poverty. I was thinking about death the other day, and about how I feel like I'm still...young, because I've never experienced death. Not my own death, obviously, but the death of someone close to me. It seems like a pivotal part of life. Not that I'm eager for it to happen, but I know it will at some point. I realized this when I was reading Traveling Mercies, because death seems like such a central and defining aspect of Ann Lamott's life, and it hasn't been for me.

the point is that Jesus is huge

Turning a blind eye is never the point. Pretending that flaws don't exist is already making too big a deal of those flaws. If something is so terrible or embarassing that it can't be mentioned, then that thing carries much more power or weight than it should. How this translates into actual relationships is trickier, but maybe it starts with self-awareness and openness with others. I heard someone say once that the best thing for a person would be if their sins were broadcast on the news every evening. This makes a lot of sense to me. Not because sin is great and powerful, or that people need to be shamed or humiliated. That's missing the point completely. Hiding sin gives sin power. There is immense pressure and power in secrets. Confession is freedom, openeness is freedom. The point is that Jesus is huge.

But I will admit that this is all something I realize with my head that I can work on putting into practice. Because I wouldn't want my sins broadcast everyday.

I was thinking yesterday: how could a God so big make such a big deal of sin? Next to God, sin is such a little thing. In these moments, it's hard for me to remember all the pain and suffering caused by human cruelty (or thoughtlessness). But the point is never sin, the point is God.

More on touch: touch doesn't require words, and that's probably why it appeals to me right now. I feel like I'm talking talking talking with people. My life is consumed with words, with reading and writing and talking. And it's good. But silence and touch are also stellar.

stuffz

Current status: watching girls in windows on other side of dorm. This is the first time I have. And no, nothing exciting or embarassing is going on. I was on the phone for an interview a few months ago, and one of the questions was: 'how would your closest friends describe you?' The first word I said was creepy. I decided afterwards that wasn't very accurate, and that a lot of people that knew me (but not well) would describe me as creepy, but my closest friends wouldn't. I guess I can be creepy, but it's intentional, which I think takes away from the actual creepiness.

Hm...the wind just picked up, and there's a bad smell on the wind.

Less creepy: I feel like I have no time to listen to music these days. This isn't good. I think that music is an important part of life and that I should take the time to listen to good music. I already feel this great pressure to fill my time up, because I don't have much. This is good and bad. Good because I will hopefully fill my time with good things. Bad because I will probably burn out if I fill up all my time with doing things. I think music might be an important part of this quarter for me, in the way that stories and poetry might be at other times. Right now, stories and poetry are part of my work, so they're not as good for getting time away to do what I really enjoy. I don't know if that's true, but it is different. But music isn't something I have to do right now, listening or playing.

I've felt a great longing for intimacy lately. I thought I was just feeling horny (a word I don't like, oh well) but decided that wasn't it: I've been thinking about sex, but not the physical pleasure of it, more the closeness and nakedness. This is showing up in my poetry. Sometimes its strange to be around 13 or 14 year olds who've had sex (which feels like such a clumsy term), when I haven't. That would probably be weird for them too, if they knew. Incidentally, I read a sweet poem about sex and intimacy and loneliness today ("Privilege of Being" by Robert Hass). Here are a few lines:

I woke up feeling so sad this morning because I realized
that you could not, as much as I love you,
dear heart, cure my loneliness

I think that this is the deep grief that accompanies loneliness, that no human relationship can create total one-ness. On the other hand, this truth creates a great freedom within relationship, freedom to free others from curing you (they won't, they can't).

"

tire

I feel exhausted. Not just tired, but tired and empty. There's some humor in this for me, since it was the first day off of training stuff or mandatory sessions (except our staff met this morning). I'm ready for this day to end, it was one of the ones where I felt like I needed to flee and give up. But I don't think I will. These, I think, are the really hard days for me: when the temptation is present to turn my back on something.

I've been asking Jesus for a lot of help lately. When I'm in the moment, help for that moment and that time, help for right now. And I think he shows up. Which doesn't mean everything magically becomes better, or how I want it to be. I don't really know what it means. Maybe something about redemption. Maybe it has something to do with magic, because a lot of things that happen in my life feel like magic, or like there's some fantastical element to them. Mystery.

one life

I'll be busy this year. Today was the day that all the freshman moved on to the floor, so of course I was thinking about the day that I moved in last year, and how much different things are now, and how much different this year will be.

Here is something I've been thinking about lately: one life. Not one life in the "you only have one life, live it" sense, but in the sense of consistency, mostly with "spiritual" things. Mostly that what I do in the public sphere needs to be an extension of what I do in the private sphere (and the reverse). In front of other people can't be the only time that I play worship songs, with other people can't be the only time that I study the Bible, or pray. Service days can't be the time that I do ministry, or that I serve, it should just be an extension of what I do everyday.

Actually, I'm just noticing that this topic has been on my mind for several years. When I went down south after the tsunami, it was on my mind a lot. I noticed when I was there how eager me and everyone else on the team were to serve the people there. More eager than back home. And I realized that it can't be that way. Something in my life needed to change so that they balanced out and created one consistent life. There shouldn't be a change in my willingness to serve depending on if I'm on a mission trip or just walking around doing whatever I feel like. I was also thinking about this last year around this time, when I started working at the Kazba, and about how I was very open with the kids there, and that I needed to have one life and be open to the people here at school too.

Another thing I've been thinking about: attitude is more important in prayer than the words themselves. It's not as important that I pray that God's will be done as it is to live it out. I feel like what I'm thinking is less simple than "actions speak louder than words", but I don't know if I can explain it now.

Anyhow, I feel like this post is full of weird catchphrases and Christianisms, and those tire me out, so I'm done.

reunions

I went over to some friends' house tonight, and it felt like a family reunion, seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a while (1 week-3 months). But more like a real family reunion than blood family reunions. Friends = family. Once I got back on campus, I immediately regretted that I'd left.

This happens to me a lot, I'll leave a place and feel a great sense of loss and regret. Like I'm missing out. I have this feeling a lot, it's one of the things that ruins me. When I'm in one place and feel like I'm missing out because I'm not in another place. When I'm with one person and feel like I'm missing out because I'm not with another. Which is, of course, true. Any time I'm not with someone I'm missing out on that part of their life. That's okay. Shared experience creates a bond, but sometimes it's really good to be apart from people and then come back together, no matter how long or short that period is.

I don't want to be living in this terror that I am missing out, that my temporary absence from peoples lives means that my relationships with them are falling apart. Fear = lame. Life/love/peace = cool.

lonely + Jesus

I feel like I will be very alone this year, which doesn't really make sense. I have more and closer friends than I did last year, I'll be closer to the other guys on my floor (I already am), I like the other members of my staff. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's that feeling of division, divided between people. Or else it could just be from coming off the summer, when I saw the same small group of people a lot. Who knows.

I also feel like I'll see a lot of Jesus this year. He has a way of popping up, especially when things are busy and confusing, which this year will probably be. I see and hear God in the busy and intense times, and not so much in the chill out times (like the last couple weeks when I've just been kicking around). I haven't really seen much of God the last week or two, but I'm sure he's sneaking around anyway. As Rumi writes, "No metaphor can hold this truth / that knows how to keep secret / and when to show itself." Maybe God's giving me a break from himself. But if so, I'm not enjoying it.

Anyway, I ran out of soap sometime last week, so I think I'm going to go buy some. And the fire alarm just went off.

advice, listening

I rarely ask others for advice. I've been thinking about this some lately. I'll ask advice about technical problems: money, how to fix something, how to write my paper. But not about existential problems, problems with God, with others, with me, with life. I ask God for "advice" (which is good), but not other people. I'm not sure why. Probably because I don't usually talk to other people about those problems. Part of the reason I don't is that a lot of times its not about getting advice, but when someone talks to you about their problems, it's hard to feel okay with yourself for just listening instead of finding some more tangible way to help. Usually when people give me advice, I feel like they end up missing the point. Not only the point that I just want them to listen, but the point of what it actually is that's bothering me. I often feel like I blow it when I'm listening to people, I end up feeling inadequate, or like I said the wrong thing and missed the point, or that I should have said more. Oh well.

I end up learning one way or another though. Mostly by observing others, myself. Seeing how people do things and realizing "that's how I want to do it" or "that's definitely not how I want to do it" or just by listening to people talk. I wasn't in boy scouts, but I thing I've turned out okay even so. Another part of the problem is that I sometimes just feel dumb talking about my existential troubles, and suspect that they must look dumb from the outside. And I don't like the uneasy they're-witnessing-me-having-a-break-down-and-it-must-seem-silly feeling. It's an unfortunate tendency that I need to hurdle, but sometimes I feel embarassed about emotion, positive or negative.

I also realized the other day that in my life, I'll only be able to read a few thousand books. This makes me nervous, because that seems like such a small amount. But when I read, I want to hear what I'm reading. This is easy to do with poetry, but its hard to do with a long, sustained story. But that's what I want to do. Hear what it says, and what that says to me. Books have been a big part of my life, and probably always will be. Better make sure that I'm paying attention to something that I'm expending time and money and energy and life towards (including people, incidentally).

I'm feeling pretty aimless this week, just sitting around. It will be good to get to school although then I might have an overload of things to do.

snow

I'm reading a book called Snow, and it feels like my life. Not the actual events. It's more the style of the whole thing, the feel. I feel like my life is a string of bizarre, confusing, and beautiful events, and that's how Snow feels to me too. There's something mysterious about life right now, and maybe in Snow also. Sorry for using 'beautiful', it's really not a very descriptive word, it feels weakened, but I don't know what else to use. Right now, I feel very overwhelmed by the confusion and beauty of life. (Confusion + beauty = mystery?). All these things happen that I don't understand.

Summer feels like it's over to me. This is probably because the tribe that I've been hanging out with is no longer together. Well, it is, but its different. Different enough to not be the same thing. People are returning, and that changes things.

These things make me feel nervous. I feel nervous about other things, too, like where I will get money for school this year. But when I look back on my life, or even just last school year, everything worked out fine. God knows what's going down. If he wants me to stay at SPU, he'll keep me there. Sometimes I get nervous about this too, though, because I wonder if I should be doing more. This is, maybe, a valid concern, but I don't worry about it much.

Anyway, I think I am going to finish Snow now.

scripture + redemption + marriage + relationship

"Don't fall down the well of scripture.
Use the words to keep moving."

Rumi wrote those words 800 years ago, and they resonate very strongly with me today. Jesus is the way, and the Bible keeps me moving along that way. The Bible isn't the way. I feel like I'm in some danger of sounding anti-Bible, but I'm not. I love the Bible, but it's a very messy group of books, and confusing.

I want to believe that God will redeem everything and everyone. That those who go to hell will one day be redeemed, that Satan will be saved. Vengeance is God's, and I hope he never takes it. But what I want to believe is less important than what's actually true. It's no good to create God in my own image. Right now, I guess I believe that some people are going to hell, for "good", but I'll continue to hope that somehow, many many people have got it mixed up, and God will redeem everything (where everything really means everything).

A couple of years ago, I was at my friend's house for breakfast. I was eating with his family, and his dad asked his mom whether she liked syrup or not. This event has stuck with me for a long time. Initially, it seemed surprising that he wouldn't know. But after thinking about, it became a very meaningful moment for me, to see that after twenty years of marriage (and more of friendship), he still had more to learn about his wife and, better, was still trying to learn more and learn better. That's what it meant to me. I hope that if I ever marry, I can do the same thing.

But it's hard to remain open to learning more about someone. It's almost like if you leave yourself open to learning more, you can never close anything down completely. But it's appealing to close things down because it implies this intimate knowledge of someone else that you have. I don't think the two things are necessarily exclusive though. I suppose it's going on what you know while still leaving someone room to change (and for the new things you learn to change how you look at them).

I'm very tired right now. Partially on a physical level, but not primarily. More just on a relational level. I'm looking forward to school starting up.

there are no levels

I think I will have to go on a pilgrimage one day. Maybe not the shrine-and-relic-and-holy-place-visiting sort of pilgrimage, but religious in its own way. Not necessarily religious, just life-ish. When I think of a pilgrimage, I usually think of going some place by myself, usually in Asia, and wandering around.

Too bad that money sucks. It's hard to think of a time in my life when I'll be able to go on such a pilgrimage, because I would like it to be for an extended period of time, maybe a year, maybe more. Maybe just a summer. The next few years seem pretty out, since I'll be in school. And, over the summers, I'll probably need to make money for school. Then once I'm out of school, I'll have to pay off my loans. Then once my loans are paid off...maybe then. I'm obviously feeling pessimistic about the whole thing right now. I'll probably just have to screw it all at some point, and leave. Maybe I can find a job that will let me wander around basically doing what I want. Time to start writing.

I was thinking today about how practical the English major is. There seem to be some naysayers who think otherwise. But we make sense of our lives through stories and interpretations. Stories that we tell ourselves, stories made up of our lives, and the interpretations of those stories. Stories and interpretation are basically what English comes down to. And writing. Writing is pretty integral to the major, too.

Today I went on my mini-pilgrimage, and walked around a lake. As I was walking, I wondered if knowing God, closeness to God, is something like closeness to other humans, where it can't be forced. In other words, I can want closeness to God, but I can't make it happen. It will happen on it's own time (God's time, perhaps?). This makes the whole thing seem rather passive, but I don't see it that way. It's still about movement, but about graceful movement rather than forceful movement.

But, that whole idea seems to fly in the face of what I'm told of, which is that there should be this great desperation and seeking after God. And there should be. I guess I'm not convinced that it comes through "spiritual disciplines" (although I would probably support most spiritual disciplines, just not as disciplines). This seems to match my experience, where regular Bible study and prayer don't necesarrily "do" anything. That's more true with Bible study than with prayer, I suppose. Sometimes I feel like I just become more miserable the more I read the Bible and pray.

Right now, that isn't true with the Bible. I've been reading through Mark, and seeing this beautiful side of Jesus there that I hadn't noticed before. If John's gospel is, to me, about the mystery of Jesus, Mark's gospel is coming to be about the kindness and intimacy of Jesus. The miracles, the solitary times and times where Jesus took people away from the crowds to a private place. And, when Jesus taught people that found him when he was trying to get away. That is one of the moments in the gospels when I see just how kind Jesus was (is).

And prayer? Often, I just become miserable when I try to pray, because it always seems like I should be "doing" something else. Jesus tells us to take our requests to God. Then I do and feel so self-centered, and like I should be listening. Then I try to listen and it's very hard. Sometimes, thanking God for what's in my life is all I can do (and I think I end up feeling gross about that too). Giving thanks is good.

I want intimacy (which seems, right now, like such a simpering word) with God. But I don't know what I need to do to get that. Maybe the point is that I can't really do anything, that there's nothing I can force, there is no system to follow. There is step, and step, and step, and movement towards something closer and closer, and God shows me step, by step, by step, and there's nothing I have to worry about except that I listen and seek and follow step step step. Not steps like a 12 step ladder where at the end I reach the top, maybe there is no tangible end point, a lot of it has to do with who I'm walking near and with. Jesus is the way, and that way seems more like an incessant journey that meanders all around more than it does a computer game where you level up until you reach the highest level. There are no levels here. There are no steps.

Recently, I was churching it up, and the church was separated into groups to talk with each other. One of the questions we discussed is how religion is keeping us from God. I answered that it was ceremony. Things done that aren't bad in themselves (like reading the good book, or praying), they may be really good things, but the ceremony destroys the reality. I want the real thing, the one that surprises me, not the puppet that I twist and pull and predict.

Don't worry, God's not a puppet.

So there are a few answers. Here's two. One, is that disciplines fail me because I am undisciplined and don't follow them. That's a definite possibility. The other is that the disciplines themselves are worthless without the pureness of heart (not quite the term I'm looking for, but it will do for now) that creates "discipline" in the first place. And once that pureness is there, discipline isn't really important, because it will lead you to what you should do anyhow. Jesus was talking about something different, but maybe it was the same idea when he said to seek the kingdom of God first, and the rest will fall into place.

Seek God, not goodness. Seek God, not discipline. Seek God, that's it.

beer and balance

When I was in Seattle today, I gave a guy money for beer. This is probably not what Jesus meant when he said to give the thirsty something to drink. But, you never know. The most interesting part of the exchange for me was as I was walking off, the guy asked me, "Am I bad?"

I wasn't really sure what to say, so I said, "What do you think?"

He thought for a few moments then said, "I'm bad, but I'm really good at it."

Then he said something about how he should be a used car salesman. Reflecting on my experience, I don't think I would give someone on the streets money for beer again if they asked me. If I had an alcoholic friend, I wouldn't support their addiction by giving them money for beer. I don't see why it's loving to do that for a stranger. At the same time, a part of me doesn't mind giving someone money for beer when they might be miserable. I really don't know much about the guy, I don't know if he's homeless or a drunk or what, those are just assumptions.

I tend towards balance and creating balance. If I sense extremism, I want to balance it out. Seeing things from multiple angles. I don't enjoy feeling like an extremist. When I think 'extremist', I think 'misinformed'. Not completely wrong, just not seeing the full picture. I don't like unfair treatment and description. This probably changes how I talk to people. If I sense their disapproval of something, I will probably try to either talk about parts of it that they will approve of or balance out their view by clarifying things that I think they don't understand. It can be hard for to talk about things when I know someone will disapprove. It's not even thinking that I'm wrong that's hard to deal with, it's more like thinking that I'm wrong and disapproving of me. I don't like that I do that. Fear = lame.

Most things aren't as completely good or as completely evil as people make them out to be. Most things aren't as completely anything as people make them out to be.

knowing

Coming to the end of my internship, I don't know people as well as I wish. The youth there, I wish I knew them better and closer, but I don't. I don't know if that's because of some failure on my part or what. But my knowledge of them isn't some measurement of success, I guess. I don't think there is any tangible measurement of "success" here. Hopefully, and probably, God has used me in ways that I'm not even aware of to do his work.

Work. To talk about "God's work" seems very impersonal to me. Like God has these labors to complete. I'm not sure if I can explain it, but it's almost like "doing God's work" is a human take on something that is much more personal and intimate and mysterious. I want to "do God's work" and join in with God in what he's doing, but I would rather know God deeply and let the work follow from that and because of that and because of love.

All in all, I don't know people as deeply as I want to. I'm not sure what this means or what to do about it. I know that everything grows in its own time, that relationships grow in their own time. I don't know whether or not it's accurate, but when I look back to Thailand, it seems like my relationships there were much deeper than here. But the situation in Thailand was an unusual one. It's been important to realize that America is not Thailand, Seattle is not Chiang Rai and it never will be. There were things that were great about Chiang Rai that I don't have here, and there were things that were terrible and hard about Chiang Rai that I don't have here. Not to mention, the people I was with in Thailand, I was with for a long time. Here, most of my friends I met this last school year. Different.

I'm still adjusting to not being alone with people very often, because that's how most of my interactions were in Thailand. It was normal there, while normal here is that if I'm around one of my friends, I'm probably around 3. Alone is probably where I'll always be more comfortable, talking, but it's important to adjust so that I can be fully functional when I'm with more than one or two people.

I don't know God as well as I would like. Some days I think that I don't know him at all.

HI !!

Sometimes when I'm walking or biking through neighborhoods, I want to walk into peoples houses. Not people I know. I'm not sure why. Probably just because people are really interesting, and I like to go through peoples stuff. No theft, just searching.

Side note: As far as getting work done, I think I function best when I'm by myself without anyone telling me what to do or without anyone asking me what to do. If I had to choose the one or the other, I'd rather lead, just because I don't feel free to act when I have people telling me what to do, and when I don't have that freedom, I don't do well. It's not necessarily that I have a bad attitude, I'm just stifled. And, I like to do things on my own time. Whatever.

Something I realized this last sunday is that I associate powerful acts of the holy spirit with bad theology. Not as in, "to believe in powerful acts of the holy spirit is bad theology" but that when I hear about the holy spirit acting in some unusual way, it's always around people that I think have sketchy beliefs. Sometimes it's just that their view of God is something that I hate, that I don't think the God they talk about actually exists, that who they think God is is wrong, and I want no part in that God. So, that was sobering to realize, because it probably means that I reject movement of the spirit without realizing it, because I don't want to be that sort of person and have those sort of beliefs. This should change. Not that I not to adopt wrong beliefs, just the fear needs to change. Fear is lame.

I don't really do much. It's hard for me sometimes to figure out what to do with people when most of what I do is for one person. Reading, writing, music. Other people can all be included in those things, but it's hard to do. Most of my friends here don't play video games, and I don't play them much anymore, either. Whatever.

what I learned in solitary confinement

Okay, that's the dramatic title. For a more pleasant one, you can replace it with 'solitude'.

I realized the other night when I was at my apartment that even though I spend a lot of time alone, it's all time where I am involuntarily alone. Since I've had my phone, I always have it on me or nearby. So I went on a walk and left the phone behind. I think it's important to take time to be voluntarily alone, to be in solitude. Being alone, and closing off opportunities to be with others, is totally different from being alone while leaving yourself open to being with others. When it's voluntary, it's much more peaceful and relaxing, where involuntary alone-ness can be stressful. This next year, I'll need to make sure that I do intentionally leave myself by myself at times, where no one can get a hold of me.

This weekend has been really good.

A story: So last night a little after 9, I rode my bike from the U-district to my brother's house. The friends I was with had just left, and I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone, so I went to Zach's even though I knew he wouldn't be there. I thought someone would be, though. I got to the house and rang the doorbell, but no one came. Then I had to pee really bad. So I paced around trying to figure out what to do. I called Zach's phone, but he didn't answer, and I left a message asking if he knew a good place to pee. But I ended up just going to the park. Then I biked down to Greenlake, rode around the lake and came back to the house. I love biking in the city at night. So I'm back at Zach's, and I read a little bit. Now, I can concentrate since my bladder isn't bugging me. Unfortunately, I started to get cold, because I don't have a sweater with me. Once cold, I can't concentrate on what I'm reading, and just end up sitting and walking around until Zach and Javier show up and let me in the house. Once we're in there, one of Zach's roommates comes out of his room. He says he heard the doorbell but thought there were other people in the house who would let me in.

But I'm glad he didn't get up. If he had, I wouldn't have gone on my sweet bike ride, or peed in the park. It's like missing the ferry last weekend. It turned out good, and I'm glad that we missed it and had to wait another two hours.

isolation

Jesus saves, everyday.

I have felt very isolated lately. Probably part of it is the physical isolation of living away from people, but its more of a psychological isolation. It's been okay for most of the summer, but not lately. It bothers me when I can go home and know for almost-sure that for the next 15 hours, there will be no interaction or communication with anyone in any way. Real life or e-life or phone life. Oh well. These things happen for reasons. (Not to mention 8 hours of that I'm probably sleeping).

Typically, when anything weird or unexpected happens, I blame/thank God. Probably not fair. Oh well. Actually, it's not just blame. Those are the times that I see God.

existence

God doesn't exist. Neither do you or I. Sort of.

Better said: who I imagine God to be does not exist. The same goes for the people I know. My conception of them doesn't actually exist, and my conception of myself doesn't actually exist. God is so much more complete than my conception of him, and that's part of the problem. God is not who I think he is. It's not just that my knowledge of him is incomplete, it's that some of what I know about him is false. And so with my friends, with myself, my knowledge is incomplete and in some areas is sure to be false. With people, I sometimes realize this when looking at pictures of them, that I don't have a clue who they actually are.

I'm not sure what that means, what the result of that is.

It doesn't mean that God or others are wholly unknowable, or that true relationship with God and others is impossible. What I think it means is that I should be in a place where I can allow my belief in God and knowledge of who he is to be redefined, and the same with others. I think that's a good place to be in, in less it sinks into this hopelessness that God is so big and that humans are so complex that I might as well give up on knowing anyone. Think of it as being a position of humility, or being open to the truth. It's wrong to mistake our ideas of something for the thing itself.

I was also thinking last night that this means that I really only fully exist in God, that I am only real in God because only God knows who I actually am. To me, I'm just an interpretation.

Maybe this is why touch is so meaningful, too. Touch is not an idea, it's out beyond words. Movement is out beyond words. Words have been, and probably always will be, a huge part of my life, but words still don't match reality (though they have a lot to do with how we experience reality, which is sort of like saying they're reality). Then again, touch and movement and action can all be deceptive, too, but that has to do with our interpretation of touch and movement and action (which is words). This is why it's important to experience God, too, experience gets away from ideas and words.

time

I'm not usually into cataloguing what I've been doing, but sometimes I am.

The other night, I slept in a queen sized bed with 3 other guys. Well, sort of. There wasn't much space, and I felt like I was dehydrating because of how hot I was. So eventually, I crawled out to the floor. The problem there was that it was dark and cold and I couldn't find a blanket, so I ended up covering myself with my sweaters. This was not a very effective way of keeping warm. At some point in the night, I saw a blanket nearby and grabbed it, and then I was warm. The weirdest thing about that whole night for me, though, was that I felt absent from time. I have no idea how much time I actually slept and how much I was awake, I never saw a clock or watch during the night when I was awake to measure the time with. But it was more than that, like time didn't exist or something. That was also the feeling of my weekend, going out to a friend's house and feeling away from time and the world there. Similar to a couple weeks ago when I went over to a different friend's house.

There's still five weeks left of summer for me, but I already feel like summer is coming to a close. Maybe because I only have two weeks left in my internship, I don't know. Maybe I've just been thinking more about the future and what will happen once school starts, and feeling bleek and scared about that. Things change.

ankles

This is not about girl ankles, this is about my ankle. I realized last night that it's about two years to the day that my ankle got chopped open. Which is so strange, because that means it's been almost two years since I graduated from high school as well. And strange because it seems like it just happened.

I don't think about it much. My ankle doesn't bother me most of the time, just when I hit my scar against something. But I think my right leg is still weaker than my left leg because of the accident. When I slackline, my right leg does't work very well and wobbles a lot if I try to start out on it. My left doesn't, and I think it's because of my accident when my leg turned watery. On the bright side, I can run and jump and dance and drive and play sports again.

dumpsters

My apartment is right behind a few grocery stores. The whole summer, I've meant to go look through their dumpsters. I'd tried a few times before, but it didn't work out. I don't really have much impetus to do it, either, since I'm not sure it's something I really enjoy doing by myself, and because I'm not sure I need the food. So at midnight, I went down behind Trader Joe's, because I was hoping that workers I'd seen there after the store had closed would be gone by then. Well, they weren't. Then I noticed another dumpster, one that belonged to a used bookstore. So I lift the lid and inside I see piles of books. I spent the next 20 minutes or so inside the dumpster, squatting on piles of books, looking through a mound to see if there was anything good, and ended up taking five or six books home. And no food. Oh well, this is maybe a better type of food.

It was such a strange experience. Being inside a closed dumpster, using my cellphone light to look through book after book. I stayed in there until my phone was dying.

writing

My mustache is long enough again that I can bite it.

Themes that have come out in my poetry this summer, unintentionally: darkness, reality and illusion, reaching/effort. I'm not sure why. That darkness isn't darkness as in evil or oppression, it's more like blindness or ignorance. Being "in the dark." Which is interesting to me, because I don't feel particularly in the dark right now, and I'm not feeling the uncertainty of the future very strongly. There are definitely things that I'm uncertain about, where I don't know how they will end up, but it's not something I feel a lot of despair about. Which makes sense, I can't put into writing most of the things that I feel a lot of emotion about at the time. Oh well, I have no idea why I write about what I write about, words just have a way of coming out for their own reasons.

Reality and illusion, things being real, things being illusory. This has probably been encouraged by reading Murakami, but it started--I think--before I'd ever read anything of his. It started sometime in spring quarter. I've written some about wells, too, but that was pre-Murakami as well (har har, unintentional). I'm not sure why I would write about things being real or illusory right now. Rumi's influenced me, though. More abstraction and less imagery. I have a habit of picking up other people's writing styles. Oh well.

I feel like I'm writing about God more in my poetry, too, but it's hard to say whether that's true or not.

hydration

I keep accidentally dehydrating myself. Yesterday, I didn't drink anything until 4:00 in the afternoon. Maybe because of this, I go somedays without peeing or even walking into a bathroom until early evening. It's always a shock for me to walk into a bathroom at that time and realize I haven't been in one all day.

I didn't have a problem with hydration in Thailand. It was easier there, somehow, with the water coolers. Maybe I still have an aversion to drinking from the tap, or to drinking warm water. (Side note: water from bathroom taps taste better than from kitchen taps, and it's colder, too). I don't know that it was really the heat there that reminded me to drink, because it's been hot here lately, and I haven't been drinking much.

I like humid heat better than dry heat. But when I lived where it was humid, I didn't notice the humidity. One theory I have is that it's nicer because the wind is nicer. With dry heat, it can still be cold because of wind. But with humidity, the wind is actually refreshing instead of freezing. I don't know if that works in reality, but it does in my head.

There are 20 days until I finish my internship. It's close but far away at the same time. I'm curious about how it will end. Endings are important to me. Endings in my life are often redemptive, too: things suck until the very end, and then I feel overwhelmed by the goodness of the ending. Not always, sometimes things end poorly. Struggle struggle.

books

I feel some sense of desperation when I read Murakami, because there's so much there that I want to look at in depth, but that I don't understand. His writing is the type that needs to be reread. I hate the feeling when I read that I am missing so much, that I am reading but not comprehending. Oh well, that just means I will have to reread.

I don't remember whether I wrote this on here or not, but I've decided that I want to be very intentional about what I read. To not read writing that is poor or mediocre or a waste of my time. I have a long list of books that I want to read, and I want to start chipping away at that. It's better to dish out money and read what I want and read what is good than to go cheap and read crap.

On another note, I was thinking the other day: no matter what your diet is, you still produce tons of shit.

I've realized lately that the division of what I really enjoy and what I enjoy less reading isn't fiction/non-fiction, it's story/non-story. Obviously, there are some stories that are terrible and boring, and there are also non-stories that are super interesting. Maybe the reason that the stories I read tend to be fiction is that we write what we read, and so people writing fiction have been exposed to a greater breadth of story-telling, and so they write stories better. But, that's a very much non-verified, non-studied claim.

I'm not into political music. And I think this is because I'm not as into explicit writing and explicit words. Not explicit as in swearing or sex. Explicit, as in everything's out in the open and obvious and not very mysterious. This was the problem I had with Bel Canto when I was reading it last week. The story and characters were interesting, but everything felt laid out for me, explicit. The ideas and messages, mostly. Explicitism feels simple, and stressful. Simple can be good, Siddartha is simple in its own way, but sometimes simple is more than style, it's a lack of depth and mystery.

Funny enough, I've been really into Rumi lately, and Rumi is very explicit. He's low on imagery and high on ideas and I'm not really into his narrative poetry. For me, though, Rumi manages to be explicit but complex and mysterious at the same time.

God is sneaky

Waiting for things to end is a bad place to be, and not where I want to be. Yep, this summer is the summer of waiting, it's been on my mind a lot. It seems like a lot of life is just waiting for things to happen. That's dumb.

In my life, when I stop trying, or when I'm not trying, is usually when things happen. It's more like "Stop knocking and the door will open". Discouraging sometimes, but mostly it just baffles me. I start to adopt a very passive attitude towards life. But actually, I think the point isn't passivity, but receptivity. It isn't not trying, it's flowing. It's not inaction, it's flexibility, bending to things that are outside my control or letting other things bend and grow the way they want to. Letting go, in the best way possible.

I have a lot of empathy for people who feel controlled by forces outside of their control, because that's often how I feel. Not just controlled, but also treated very kindly. God is sneaky.

Along the lines of God's control and planning: sometimes when I wonder in my life what God's will is, I stress. Or I'll be faced with a decision and wonder what I'm supposed to do, and stress. Then I was thinking the other night about how funny and arrogant that is. Like I'm big enough to eff with God's plans. More importantly, the stress over my ignorance of what God wants shows a distinct lack of trust in God, like he'll let me slip up when I want to do what he wants (or at least that's what I tell him). Then again, I slip up all the time. Ugh, I wish that stumble wasn't such a cliche verb because of Christian lingo, because it really could be a powerful word and powerful metaphor, and probably was at some point.

I'm not as interested right now in surrendering or submitting my life to God as I am in union with God. Joining into God. Meeting God. I'd rather know God and love him and give over my life to him because of that than try to give my life over to someone I don't know and don't love, hoping that through the sacrifice I'll learn to love. I think I've tried that with God, and it didn't work, and it just caused anxiety, a bad sort of anxiety and not a good sort of anxiety. It wasn't about God, it was about being good. But love is better than being good. And knowing/loving God is more important than being good. Love first.

I want to move the way that God moves, and that image makes me feel peaceful.