Tonight at church, I realized that I feel bitter against God for not helping me out more, for not guiding me, for not speaking to me. I'm tired of asking God for help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling confused.
And, actually, it's not so much that I feel that God doesn't help me, because I think he does. He just helps me without speaking to me. He helps me without eliminating confusion.
I'm tired, really, of asking God for help. Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me.
Right now, if I'm not following "God's plan", I blame God and not myself. That's how I feel. Because I seek after him and he doesn't speak to me, so why should he expect me to follow him well?
2 comments:
"Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me."
yeah, you should try just moving and acting?
There was an article in the paper this morning about a man who deduced that his primary problem with God was that he wasn't sure if he spoke to people or not. Unfortunately, the even that clarified said query in the affirmative was a cross-shaped growth on the end of a branch of a fir tree growing in the front yard of a man who had cancer.
I think I'm just defeatist right now and don't expect God to answer, so I don't even bother asking.
Post a Comment