Winter quarter ended significantly different than fall quarter ended. Fall quarter, I ended feeling pretty elated about life. This time, I had a discouraging end to top off a discouraging quarter. Things ended with me feeling disoriented and confused as I drove south to California. But all of this makes me think that the most important part of holidays and specific days is how remembering that same holiday in the past makes me reflect on change in my life. It's not just holidays, either, this happens to me on a weekly, daily, sometimes even hourly basis, where I realize what I was doing x amount of time before this point. I'm not sure why, but I often feel embarassed when I remember times that I was really feeling happy about life, like the end of fall quarter feels embarassing to me right now. Whatevz.
Here's one thing I was thinking about over break: most of life is learning how to reconcile different stories and then actually reconciling them. The way I live my life depends on how I choose to fuse together multiple storylines and which storylines I choose to fuse together.
Here's something that I'm excited about: the humility of God. I talked with a friend of mine at the end of the quarter, and he brought this up, specifically in regards to evolution. This is the idea that God using evolution to bring about the world de-emphasizes his power and emphasizes his humility. In a lot of ways, this fits with the God I know and the God that I want to know. I've thought a lot about the silence of God, and I wonder if his silence has to do with his humility. But it also has to do with the humility of Jesus, both in becoming human and in the way he lived out his life. He did perform miracles yes, but there was also humility to his actions. Incidentally, I'm coming to understand more how God's silence may sometimes be the most fitting answer to suffering, in the same way that my silence may be the best thing that I can give someone else who is suffering, instead of giving them concepts that "explain" the meaning of suffering but, in the end, do nothing towards healing the pain that they feel.
I never want to think that my most important function as a Christian is church. It's good to meet together, but my primary role as a Christian is not meeting together with other Christians.
I don't want to use an alarm this quarter. We'll see how that goes.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
winter quarter in 1500 words
Actually, I don't know how long this will end up being. But here's a summary of things that have been on my mind and what I've been learning this quarter.
Learning
I've been thinking a lot about learning. I don't want to just get good grades. Ultimately, good grades are easy to get. I actually want to learn, to challenge myself even if my classes aren't always challenging me. I want to take my learning seriously, and set aside the time I need to learn about things properly. I want to learn about people, too, and not just let myself be content with shallow relationships and shallow interactions.
Memory
I've been thinking a lot about memory and the importance of remembering. The Brothers Karamazov talks about memory as a form of salvation, and this is something I've seen in my life and in other peoples lives as well. Memory saves because we use memory to remember what is true and what we have experienced. People continue to believe in God as they remember what he's done in their lives. That is a lot of the purpose of the Bible, I think, remembering what God has done. On a similar note, I was talking with a friend about memory the other night, and he was talking about the importance of remembering things rightly. Memory isn't always correct, it can be very distorting and tricky, and it's important to remember things correctly. Sometimes that is the difference between salvation and damnation.
Self-Knowledge
Some of this is just from reading Freud, but I've been seeing the importance of knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about where you are at. Identifying the truth about yourself, as unpleasant as it may be, allows you to move from a better position than if you refuse to acknowledge the truth. Acknowleding that something is true does not mean that it's right, and that's where I think a lot of people go wrong. Saying that I want to be cruel, or that I lust, or that I steal...none of this means that these things are right. But sometimes by being honest, we actually, finally come to believe that something is wrong and are able to change. That is what I have experienced in my life.
Suffering
I was thinking a lot last quarter about how everyone around me is suffering, and I've continued to think about that. My roommate was just talking to me and a friend about how that's been on his mind as well. He's been thinking about how everyone has reasons for why they're douche bags. That's putting words in his mouth, but it basically comes down to the idea that people aren't mean or annoying just because, there are reasons for what people do, and it often comes down to peoples past, and the ways they have suffered that no one else may know about. I want to continue to be sensitive to the fact that everyone is always dealing with different forms of suffering, no matter where they are at in life.
Whatever, that's enough to learn for one quarter.
Learning
I've been thinking a lot about learning. I don't want to just get good grades. Ultimately, good grades are easy to get. I actually want to learn, to challenge myself even if my classes aren't always challenging me. I want to take my learning seriously, and set aside the time I need to learn about things properly. I want to learn about people, too, and not just let myself be content with shallow relationships and shallow interactions.
Memory
I've been thinking a lot about memory and the importance of remembering. The Brothers Karamazov talks about memory as a form of salvation, and this is something I've seen in my life and in other peoples lives as well. Memory saves because we use memory to remember what is true and what we have experienced. People continue to believe in God as they remember what he's done in their lives. That is a lot of the purpose of the Bible, I think, remembering what God has done. On a similar note, I was talking with a friend about memory the other night, and he was talking about the importance of remembering things rightly. Memory isn't always correct, it can be very distorting and tricky, and it's important to remember things correctly. Sometimes that is the difference between salvation and damnation.
Self-Knowledge
Some of this is just from reading Freud, but I've been seeing the importance of knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about where you are at. Identifying the truth about yourself, as unpleasant as it may be, allows you to move from a better position than if you refuse to acknowledge the truth. Acknowleding that something is true does not mean that it's right, and that's where I think a lot of people go wrong. Saying that I want to be cruel, or that I lust, or that I steal...none of this means that these things are right. But sometimes by being honest, we actually, finally come to believe that something is wrong and are able to change. That is what I have experienced in my life.
Suffering
I was thinking a lot last quarter about how everyone around me is suffering, and I've continued to think about that. My roommate was just talking to me and a friend about how that's been on his mind as well. He's been thinking about how everyone has reasons for why they're douche bags. That's putting words in his mouth, but it basically comes down to the idea that people aren't mean or annoying just because, there are reasons for what people do, and it often comes down to peoples past, and the ways they have suffered that no one else may know about. I want to continue to be sensitive to the fact that everyone is always dealing with different forms of suffering, no matter where they are at in life.
Whatever, that's enough to learn for one quarter.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
control
I feel out of control. Not in the sense that I'm doing crazy shit, more in the sense that I'm wobbling around. I'm not sure why, I think a lot of it is feeling disconnected from God, but I don't know how to fix that problem. I guess prayer is the easy answer, and I want to do more of that, but even when I do pray, it seems very empty. And I don't want to just think of prayer as time spent trying to talk to God. That feels too simplistic to me, and I think it's not what will help me right now.
Anyway, I feel very useless to people right now. I don't want most people to ask how I'm doing, so I purposely avoid a lot of interactions and avoid asking other people how they're doing, becasuse I don't want them to do the same for me.
I feel discontent with church right now, too. One of the reasons that I like Scum is that it's small, but the truth is that I'm not connected to the people at Scum significantly more than I would be at a mega church. Sometimes I want to just start my own, to start meeting with the people that I care about and whose lives I'm involved with. Not a small group though, small group has a lot of gross connotations, for me at least. It makes me think of accountability groups, which I want no part of and which I think miss the point.
I don't know why, but when I think of accountability, it makes me angry. So does the idea of having a "quiet time." Something in me feels very resentful towards those things, and wants no part in them, and wants no part in a lot of the dialogue that seems important to many Christians. I don't really want to talk about morality, unless it's in the context of how much of a failure morality is. I don't know what I want to talk about.
Anyway, I feel very useless to people right now. I don't want most people to ask how I'm doing, so I purposely avoid a lot of interactions and avoid asking other people how they're doing, becasuse I don't want them to do the same for me.
I feel discontent with church right now, too. One of the reasons that I like Scum is that it's small, but the truth is that I'm not connected to the people at Scum significantly more than I would be at a mega church. Sometimes I want to just start my own, to start meeting with the people that I care about and whose lives I'm involved with. Not a small group though, small group has a lot of gross connotations, for me at least. It makes me think of accountability groups, which I want no part of and which I think miss the point.
I don't know why, but when I think of accountability, it makes me angry. So does the idea of having a "quiet time." Something in me feels very resentful towards those things, and wants no part in them, and wants no part in a lot of the dialogue that seems important to many Christians. I don't really want to talk about morality, unless it's in the context of how much of a failure morality is. I don't know what I want to talk about.
lately
Lately, I've felt incoherent when I tell stories. That's not precisely it, it's more that I've felt like I'm not good at it, that people lose concentration as I'm talking or else don't pay attention, or else just don't get "the point."
I haven't had enough privacy lately. Funny enough, I've been feeling really lonely. My roommate asked today if I was okay, and said it seemed like something was different or off. He said it must be all the computer games I've been playing lately. I think the two actually are connected, but the reverse of the way he suggested. I need time away, and so I play video games, or watch tv shows or whatever.
Sometimes I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing, today was one of those days. I felt like avoiding people who would ask me that.
One of my friends was talking with me yesterday about how study and learning is a spiritual discipline for us. I'd never put it that way, but I think it's true.
I haven't had enough privacy lately. Funny enough, I've been feeling really lonely. My roommate asked today if I was okay, and said it seemed like something was different or off. He said it must be all the computer games I've been playing lately. I think the two actually are connected, but the reverse of the way he suggested. I need time away, and so I play video games, or watch tv shows or whatever.
Sometimes I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing, today was one of those days. I felt like avoiding people who would ask me that.
One of my friends was talking with me yesterday about how study and learning is a spiritual discipline for us. I'd never put it that way, but I think it's true.
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