I realized today why it's very hard for me to pray.
When I pray, I become incredibly aware of my own suffering, the suffering of others, and the suffering of the world. The amount of suffering and pain and problems in the world is overwhelming, and when I pray, I feel overwhelmed. Soon after this, I saw a friend of mine, and told her what I'd figured out. She said, "Well isn't that the point, to give those things up to God?" And I think she's right, except that doesn't happen for me. I don't feel free and at peace after praying, usually. Often times, I feel worse and maybe more confused than when I started. When I pray, I feel like I need to enter into this great suffering, and I can't, I'm not enough for it.
When I pray, I'm not as struck by God's goodness as I am by humanity's pain.
But I think that I have to, that I have to enter into the suffering of others and the world and myself. When I'm face to face with one of my friends who is suffering, as happened today, I realize that I need to, that it's not enough to coast, to avoid prayer just because its incredibly difficult.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
bitte
Tonight at church, I realized that I feel bitter against God for not helping me out more, for not guiding me, for not speaking to me. I'm tired of asking God for help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling confused.
And, actually, it's not so much that I feel that God doesn't help me, because I think he does. He just helps me without speaking to me. He helps me without eliminating confusion.
I'm tired, really, of asking God for help. Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me.
Right now, if I'm not following "God's plan", I blame God and not myself. That's how I feel. Because I seek after him and he doesn't speak to me, so why should he expect me to follow him well?
And, actually, it's not so much that I feel that God doesn't help me, because I think he does. He just helps me without speaking to me. He helps me without eliminating confusion.
I'm tired, really, of asking God for help. Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me.
Right now, if I'm not following "God's plan", I blame God and not myself. That's how I feel. Because I seek after him and he doesn't speak to me, so why should he expect me to follow him well?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
solutions
I realized the other day that I am extremely skeptical of solutions. Often, I can agree with people about what a problem is, but doubt the solutions they propose for ending that problem or overcoming that obstacle. So often I end up not doing anything, or if I move, I move with reluctance and skepticism.
Most methods and suggested solutions probably do suck. As in they're inadequate for solving the problem. But that may be irrelevant. What is important is if a solution is moving in the right direction and not perpetuating the problem.
What I don't respond well to is solutions that involve coercion or manipulation, guilting people into action, whether its me being manipulated or others. This is how I felt a few months ago when I heard a speaker who was raising money for an organization that works with kids around the world. She was extremely manipulative, very much about guilting people into giving. I hated the idea of giving money to her organization, just because she was involved with it and I didn't want to do anything to benefit her in any way. But even if what she was doing there as she spoke was sick, was wrong, what the organization was doing was good. So I gave some money. Maybe what I should have done was donated money online so that it wouldn't be connected with her. I obviously still resent her.
It's never good to make people feel guilty or to try to make people feel guilty. Ever. Especially if the reason is to get them to help out with something. Manipulation is never good. Blah blah blah.
Another thing I've learned about myself: I'm reluctant to act or help if I feel unnecessary and if I feel ignorant. I usually feel happier if I join in anyway, though. Whatevz.
Most methods and suggested solutions probably do suck. As in they're inadequate for solving the problem. But that may be irrelevant. What is important is if a solution is moving in the right direction and not perpetuating the problem.
What I don't respond well to is solutions that involve coercion or manipulation, guilting people into action, whether its me being manipulated or others. This is how I felt a few months ago when I heard a speaker who was raising money for an organization that works with kids around the world. She was extremely manipulative, very much about guilting people into giving. I hated the idea of giving money to her organization, just because she was involved with it and I didn't want to do anything to benefit her in any way. But even if what she was doing there as she spoke was sick, was wrong, what the organization was doing was good. So I gave some money. Maybe what I should have done was donated money online so that it wouldn't be connected with her. I obviously still resent her.
It's never good to make people feel guilty or to try to make people feel guilty. Ever. Especially if the reason is to get them to help out with something. Manipulation is never good. Blah blah blah.
Another thing I've learned about myself: I'm reluctant to act or help if I feel unnecessary and if I feel ignorant. I usually feel happier if I join in anyway, though. Whatevz.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
responsibility
Tonight, I was able to articulate to a friend of mine something that I've been on the edge of realizing for a while: God's idea of responsibility is different than mine. We were talking about money, and that's what I said. I would rather think first about whether something is good or not, and think second about money. God's idea of financial responsibility may not mean buying only what I need, or saving money, or being thrifty, though those things will probably be a part of it. But I think those things tend towards worshipping money, and worshipping God is way more important than worshipping money. I'd rather do things that bring life and joy to others (and myself). Like give gifts, go out, travel, donate, celebrate, have parties. Money is worthless and may be the least important part of financial responsibility. I feel much more responsible to seek life and love others.
The irony of this is that this is ultimately my idea of responsibility, but I say that I think it's God's. Oh well, it fits with what I know about God. It's not about selfishness or pleasure, it's about life and not worshipping money.
I worry about money sometimes, but I think that if I seek what is good, the money will take care of itself (that is, God will take care of it). Whatever planning goes on in my life, that is how the plans should work, with money coming in at the end.
The irony of this is that this is ultimately my idea of responsibility, but I say that I think it's God's. Oh well, it fits with what I know about God. It's not about selfishness or pleasure, it's about life and not worshipping money.
I worry about money sometimes, but I think that if I seek what is good, the money will take care of itself (that is, God will take care of it). Whatever planning goes on in my life, that is how the plans should work, with money coming in at the end.
failing at life (epic title)
I'm tired of life right now. It's difficult for me to imagine how tired I will feel when I am old (if I live that long). If, at 20 (and it began a long time ago), I can feel tired of life, I imagine that at 60 or 80 the weight of life will be crushing. I'm ready for things to end. It's not that there's any danger of me taking my own life, there's not, it's just that if everything finished tomorrow, or tonight as I write this, I wouldn't mind. Of course there are things that I want to do still in life, but I wouldn't mind if Jesus was here.
Here's why I'm tired: I'm tired of failing at life. And lately I've felt a lot that I'm failing at life. I'm not who I want to be. I don't mean that in a moral sense, that's a very minor part of it, I mostly mean in a relational sense, that I can't function the way I want to, that I don't have the freedom that I want around people. Every once in a while I get in that groove, and interacting with people is sweet, but a lot of the time it's just difficult and I sit there praying for Jesus to help me. Sometimes, then, I continue to fail at life and sometimes I continue to fail then at the end something sweet and confusing happens.
Here's what also makes me tired: I'm tired of my own arrogance and intolerance. Who I am intolerant of? Tonight, I'm thinking mostly of theologically conservative people who have a different understanding of the Bible. I have, or can have, an incredibly difficult time being around them or having a conversation about the Book or theology with them. Maybe because I feel like they are often intolerant and arrogant, and suspect that they think what I believe is heretical. The sad thing is that I'm probably just as dogmatic as they are. The irony is that I know being right is less important than love, I just can't always live that out with some people. Sorry for the stereotyping and lumping a diverse group of people together, many of whom have positively influenced my life and faith and have loved me. I don't like to feel violent, but sometimes I feel violent around people because of their beliefs. Verbally or intellectually or emotionally violent, not physically.
That's about it.
Here's why I'm tired: I'm tired of failing at life. And lately I've felt a lot that I'm failing at life. I'm not who I want to be. I don't mean that in a moral sense, that's a very minor part of it, I mostly mean in a relational sense, that I can't function the way I want to, that I don't have the freedom that I want around people. Every once in a while I get in that groove, and interacting with people is sweet, but a lot of the time it's just difficult and I sit there praying for Jesus to help me. Sometimes, then, I continue to fail at life and sometimes I continue to fail then at the end something sweet and confusing happens.
Here's what also makes me tired: I'm tired of my own arrogance and intolerance. Who I am intolerant of? Tonight, I'm thinking mostly of theologically conservative people who have a different understanding of the Bible. I have, or can have, an incredibly difficult time being around them or having a conversation about the Book or theology with them. Maybe because I feel like they are often intolerant and arrogant, and suspect that they think what I believe is heretical. The sad thing is that I'm probably just as dogmatic as they are. The irony is that I know being right is less important than love, I just can't always live that out with some people. Sorry for the stereotyping and lumping a diverse group of people together, many of whom have positively influenced my life and faith and have loved me. I don't like to feel violent, but sometimes I feel violent around people because of their beliefs. Verbally or intellectually or emotionally violent, not physically.
That's about it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
spiritual autobiograpy
I wrote a spriritual autobiography for class. If anyone wants to read it, please ask and I can email it to you.
Monday, October 15, 2007
ignorance
I don't even know how to follow God. I will probably be saying this my whole life. And, I wish sometimes that God would just speak and tell me things as clearly as a human would. But maybe if he did he would get annoying. Not so much annoying as overwhelming. Maybe that there is the exact reason that I don't feel God's guidance more, because I'm not really ready to be overwhelmed. Oh well, I'm headed that way.
Except I do feel God's guidance, at times, and see it in my life, day to day. At least I think it's God's guidance. I guess it's okay to primarily be in touch with the sneaky, subtle side of God as opposed to the explicit side.
My whole life, I will probably struggle with knowing how to pray as well. Prayer isn't very appealing when it makes you feel rotten. Not rotten in the sense of feeling rotten about "sin in my life" or something like that, but rotten in the sense that I don't know how to pray, and feel overwhelmed with the immensity of communication with God, and that all my communications are corrupted and inadequate. A lot of times when I pray, I feel like I'm missing the point, like I'm insulting God one way or another.
Reading and writing is usually how I relax, it's interesting to be back in school where reading and writing are what I do for work. Reading and writing to relax isn't as effective. I go on more walks. I almost never went on walks at night during the summer, and maybe that's why.
Except I do feel God's guidance, at times, and see it in my life, day to day. At least I think it's God's guidance. I guess it's okay to primarily be in touch with the sneaky, subtle side of God as opposed to the explicit side.
My whole life, I will probably struggle with knowing how to pray as well. Prayer isn't very appealing when it makes you feel rotten. Not rotten in the sense of feeling rotten about "sin in my life" or something like that, but rotten in the sense that I don't know how to pray, and feel overwhelmed with the immensity of communication with God, and that all my communications are corrupted and inadequate. A lot of times when I pray, I feel like I'm missing the point, like I'm insulting God one way or another.
Reading and writing is usually how I relax, it's interesting to be back in school where reading and writing are what I do for work. Reading and writing to relax isn't as effective. I go on more walks. I almost never went on walks at night during the summer, and maybe that's why.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
gratitude
Good things about today: getting my wallet back, dinner with my brother, park with friend, discussion with friend and professor, reading out loud with friend, check from aunt, sermon at group, eating chicken off the bone. I think I always have more to be grateful for than I realize.
Sleepy time.
Sleepy time.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
reflections in my old age
Lately, I've realized a few things that have been long-running in my life. Where long running means since I was little. I see this in my sense of humor: It was at about 10 years old that I realized that deliberately making fun of people for something that I myself also did (where they knew this too) was very funny. Tonight, when I was at Barnes and Noble, I realized that since I was about 10 years old, I've appreciated moral ambiguity in stories. No simple lines between good guys and bad guys, no moral stereotypes. What a good little post-modernist I was. Who knows, maybe it even began before that, but that's the first example that I can clearly remember. I'm sure my parents could tell me more.
It's funny, I used to be very much a non moral relativist, and now I feel very drawn to relativism. But the whole time, I have been fascinated with subjectivity, and over this time my views have not changed significantly. In other words, what I would have told you about moral relativism is probably the same now that it was then: some things are subjective, other things are not. Which makes me an objectivist still. Oh well, I still think of myself in a lot of ways as a relativist. Maybe now I just have a greater sensitivity towards relativism, and a greater understanding, and I'm away from some of the panicked reactions to moral relativism. It isn't just about doing what feels good, because sometimes doing what's right is doing what everyone else thinks is wrong and feeling shitty and frightened about it at the same time. It isn't a form of self-justification. I think it's a way of staying sane, among other things, and this is very important.
Whatevz
It's funny, I used to be very much a non moral relativist, and now I feel very drawn to relativism. But the whole time, I have been fascinated with subjectivity, and over this time my views have not changed significantly. In other words, what I would have told you about moral relativism is probably the same now that it was then: some things are subjective, other things are not. Which makes me an objectivist still. Oh well, I still think of myself in a lot of ways as a relativist. Maybe now I just have a greater sensitivity towards relativism, and a greater understanding, and I'm away from some of the panicked reactions to moral relativism. It isn't just about doing what feels good, because sometimes doing what's right is doing what everyone else thinks is wrong and feeling shitty and frightened about it at the same time. It isn't a form of self-justification. I think it's a way of staying sane, among other things, and this is very important.
Whatevz
Monday, October 8, 2007
ssssssss
I feel very broke up right now. By life. It's very strange though, it's like at the same time that I feel broke up and confused and frustrated, there's something like God that runs deeper and that makes things seem okay. Not okay, but the feeling that things will be okay. It's not optimism, it's not something I'm just thinking or telling myself, just something that I sense, even when I feel very weary and bitter and useless. Whatever.
It wasn't until last year that I wanted Jesus to come back, and for everything to be right. But I really do now. There's nothing I have to do now that I wouldn't trade for that. I have no reasons now for Jesus to wait. Not that I really did before, it's just a change in desire, or perspective, not reality. I want things to be new, and right, and good.
I realized tonight that I've been away from doubt for quite a while. This was strange for me to realize, because doubt has been a central part of my journey with God so far, and tonight I wanted to return to that, and I didn't know if it was good or not that I was away for it for now. With God, the more analytic part of my brain has been turned off for a while, for better and worse. It will come back. Inevitably, it will be different than it was before, and that's good. I feel like my times of doubt weren't balanced out before by......experience of God, and now it is more so. Maybe I've been giving God too much slack lately, letting him off the hook a bit. Whatever.
"God hates sinners just the way they are." That's what a street preacher's sign said, that I saw yesterday. I felt humiliated, especially that people from my religion were preaching hate, and being hateful, where the Buddhist monks at the peace rally that I was at were preaching love and peace. Not that I would expect Buddhist monks to preach hate, because I wouldn't, but it's embarassing to me that something which should be focusing around God's great love ends up being about hate. At that moment, I would have much rather been identified with the Buddhists. Maybe Jesus felt the same way, though it's a big thing to speak for Jesus. God loves everyone.
I can't tell more than a few people the same thing in a day, or a short time period. Not anything that's really important to me. It's interesting for me to realize what things are important, that no one would guess were important to me, by whether or not I feel hesitant to talk about them because if I do it's like spreading myself out too much. That's how I feel about the dream I had last night, even though I've only talked about it 3 times today. But I'm gonna write it on here anyway.
So I was making out with this girl. I don't think she actually exists, but in my dream her name was Becky (though I kept forgetting, and thinking her name was Anne). Anyway, we made out, and did again the next night. Then for whatever reason, I decided that was a bad idea, and said we couldn't anymore. She got pissed and told her parents, who ended up being Les and Leslie Parrot (two professors here at SPU, not sure if that's how their last name is spelled, but it fits). Then her mom ended up coming up to me with a list of classes that I should take from her (like it was a threat, and these classes were punishment for giving her daughter the cold shoulder,) there was one that was something like "psychology and despair" that I thought actually sounded interesting. One of the guys on my floor confronted me about Becky, and asked if we had sex. And I told him no. That's about all that happened in the dream. Facebook also shut down because it ripped off of other sites, and I crashed my bike when the dirt road I was riding on dropped off into water. One of my rims was bent by the fall.
Listening to Death Cab right now, and it's yummy, and I'm going to bed.
It wasn't until last year that I wanted Jesus to come back, and for everything to be right. But I really do now. There's nothing I have to do now that I wouldn't trade for that. I have no reasons now for Jesus to wait. Not that I really did before, it's just a change in desire, or perspective, not reality. I want things to be new, and right, and good.
I realized tonight that I've been away from doubt for quite a while. This was strange for me to realize, because doubt has been a central part of my journey with God so far, and tonight I wanted to return to that, and I didn't know if it was good or not that I was away for it for now. With God, the more analytic part of my brain has been turned off for a while, for better and worse. It will come back. Inevitably, it will be different than it was before, and that's good. I feel like my times of doubt weren't balanced out before by......experience of God, and now it is more so. Maybe I've been giving God too much slack lately, letting him off the hook a bit. Whatever.
"God hates sinners just the way they are." That's what a street preacher's sign said, that I saw yesterday. I felt humiliated, especially that people from my religion were preaching hate, and being hateful, where the Buddhist monks at the peace rally that I was at were preaching love and peace. Not that I would expect Buddhist monks to preach hate, because I wouldn't, but it's embarassing to me that something which should be focusing around God's great love ends up being about hate. At that moment, I would have much rather been identified with the Buddhists. Maybe Jesus felt the same way, though it's a big thing to speak for Jesus. God loves everyone.
I can't tell more than a few people the same thing in a day, or a short time period. Not anything that's really important to me. It's interesting for me to realize what things are important, that no one would guess were important to me, by whether or not I feel hesitant to talk about them because if I do it's like spreading myself out too much. That's how I feel about the dream I had last night, even though I've only talked about it 3 times today. But I'm gonna write it on here anyway.
So I was making out with this girl. I don't think she actually exists, but in my dream her name was Becky (though I kept forgetting, and thinking her name was Anne). Anyway, we made out, and did again the next night. Then for whatever reason, I decided that was a bad idea, and said we couldn't anymore. She got pissed and told her parents, who ended up being Les and Leslie Parrot (two professors here at SPU, not sure if that's how their last name is spelled, but it fits). Then her mom ended up coming up to me with a list of classes that I should take from her (like it was a threat, and these classes were punishment for giving her daughter the cold shoulder,) there was one that was something like "psychology and despair" that I thought actually sounded interesting. One of the guys on my floor confronted me about Becky, and asked if we had sex. And I told him no. That's about all that happened in the dream. Facebook also shut down because it ripped off of other sites, and I crashed my bike when the dirt road I was riding on dropped off into water. One of my rims was bent by the fall.
Listening to Death Cab right now, and it's yummy, and I'm going to bed.
Friday, October 5, 2007
post-classroom thoughts
I feel very strongly today that God loves everyone. God does not hate anyone. I know this runs contrary to specific verses that say God hates certain people, or people who do specific things. I think those verses are wrong, or hopefully just misunderstood. God hating anyone runs contrary to what I know and believe and experience about him, and it runs contrary to what Jesus tells us to do. Jesus can't tell us to love our enemies and then say that God hates his enemies, or hates anyone. And when Jesus tells us to love our enemies, he says this in the specific context that we are to be perfect as God is perfect. That is what I hold to, that perfection does not involve hatred for others, that loving God does not involve hatred for others.
I also feel that if God hates sin, it is because of his love for us. That should always be the context for viewing sin, as something which is irrelevant next to the love and mercy of God. Then again, mercy is only relevant in the context of our errors, in the context of our needing mercy. That's not the point. The point is that God's love is incomparably bigger than any wrong that I could do. This is also how I am coming to view sin. I hate it because of what it does to me, and what it does to my friends. Because of how it harms them and harms me. And the reason I hate that is because I love my friends. And if I can love my friends in spite of their sins, God can certainly do the same and love anyone in spite of their sins. Anyone. How petty it would be for me to hate anyone because of their sins. The same goes for God. Love is the context for viewing sin. I think that with love our view towards the sins of others (and maybe our own) is grief, and not disgust.
I also feel that if God hates sin, it is because of his love for us. That should always be the context for viewing sin, as something which is irrelevant next to the love and mercy of God. Then again, mercy is only relevant in the context of our errors, in the context of our needing mercy. That's not the point. The point is that God's love is incomparably bigger than any wrong that I could do. This is also how I am coming to view sin. I hate it because of what it does to me, and what it does to my friends. Because of how it harms them and harms me. And the reason I hate that is because I love my friends. And if I can love my friends in spite of their sins, God can certainly do the same and love anyone in spite of their sins. Anyone. How petty it would be for me to hate anyone because of their sins. The same goes for God. Love is the context for viewing sin. I think that with love our view towards the sins of others (and maybe our own) is grief, and not disgust.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
potry
Sometimes I write poems about God. I feel silly when I do this, a little ridiculous. Like anything I have written is so laughable compared to the real God, which I think it will be. I wonder if this is how the writers of the Bible felt. Not to compare my writing to scripture, but I wonder sometimes how writers of the Bible would feel if they knew how much we hold up their writings. If they would be uncomfortable with that, if they would think that their writing about God is ridiculous and silly. Not false, maybe, just funny.
Anyway, I feel silly sometimes writing poems about God, or sex, or love, or death, or poverty. I was thinking about death the other day, and about how I feel like I'm still...young, because I've never experienced death. Not my own death, obviously, but the death of someone close to me. It seems like a pivotal part of life. Not that I'm eager for it to happen, but I know it will at some point. I realized this when I was reading Traveling Mercies, because death seems like such a central and defining aspect of Ann Lamott's life, and it hasn't been for me.
Anyway, I feel silly sometimes writing poems about God, or sex, or love, or death, or poverty. I was thinking about death the other day, and about how I feel like I'm still...young, because I've never experienced death. Not my own death, obviously, but the death of someone close to me. It seems like a pivotal part of life. Not that I'm eager for it to happen, but I know it will at some point. I realized this when I was reading Traveling Mercies, because death seems like such a central and defining aspect of Ann Lamott's life, and it hasn't been for me.
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