Most of my interactions lately have finished with me feeling like an idiot. In class, I feel like the things I say have no relevance or intelligence or importance. If I'm with people, I feel offensive, or like I haven't been listening well, or boring. I finish talking with people and realize all the things I could have asked and the ways I could have listened better.
Here is why I don't really talk to people about whatever I'm dealing with: I hate it being brought up again. I get very bored talking about my problems, it's usually something I want to talk about once and then put behind me. It gets in the way. And I don't like it because people usually make too much of my problems, and want to keep talking about them when I'm done talking about them, and then I just start to detach and check out. Yep.
So I've been very lonely lately. I think this is because I don't get to really see my friends very often. I'm around them a lot, but not where I can actually talk to them.
In other news, I hate the word "interesting." More specifically, I hate when people start out their comments in class by saying "I think it's interesting...." It's weak language and gets in the way of actually saying anything. Then I noticed I did it today, too. But I'm trying to eliminate watered down language from my speech, so hopefully "interesting" will disappear soon. Then again, I don't want to be one of those people that makes ridiculous, extremist comments, which is what a lot of claims look like without weakened language.
Here's something I was thinking about the other night. I've thought before that my focus needs to go from what I can do for God to what I can do with God, how I can join God in what he's doing and not get in his way. But the other night, when I was in a situation where someone needed help and I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do, I realized that by trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do, I might completely check out of the situation and miss what's going on and what God's trying to do. In other words, God doesn't need me, and if I focus on what he's doing then my response will hopefully become clear. Not always, I don't think it's that simple. Whatever, I feel like I'm making ridiculous distinctions and hairsplitting, but that wasn't how it started out.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
why yesterday was significant
Here's why yesterday was significant: I put something up on my wall. This may not appear very important, but it is more important if you know that I lived in the same room for over three years without putting a single thing on the walls (I put one thing on the door). I didn't put anything up last year. So I put up a...piece of art that one of my friends gave me years ago, it's a crescent moon around the sun. Sun Moon. Brother Sister.
Here's why last night was cool: I fell asleep listening to Stars, who I'd never properly listened to, and I'm listening to them now and really enjoy them.
Here's why this morning was the most pleasant waking experiences of my school year: When I woke up, it was bright outside, and my blinds were open so the light could shine into the room. On top of this, I felt very well rested. On top of that, music turned on in me and Calin's room without either of us turning it on and we were both awake and not sure what had happened, and it was good, peaceful music. I didn't want to get out of bed, but some of that was just because it was cold outside of my bed.
Here's why last night was cool: I fell asleep listening to Stars, who I'd never properly listened to, and I'm listening to them now and really enjoy them.
Here's why this morning was the most pleasant waking experiences of my school year: When I woke up, it was bright outside, and my blinds were open so the light could shine into the room. On top of this, I felt very well rested. On top of that, music turned on in me and Calin's room without either of us turning it on and we were both awake and not sure what had happened, and it was good, peaceful music. I didn't want to get out of bed, but some of that was just because it was cold outside of my bed.
Monday, January 21, 2008
goods
Currently, I'm happy that my roommate Calin got an ihome for his birthday, so we can listen to music in here now.
I don't know why, but superstition is on my mind. I don't want to live a superstitious life. The good events in my life don't result from praying, the bad events don't result from not praying. I believe that (and also believe that prayer is important). The equations aren't that easy. Prayer isn't magic either, it's not casting a spell. That's important for me. I don't want the most important thing to be the words.
I'm figuring that there's some things I'm really not very good at. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know whether to work or those things because I know I'm not good at them or whether it just encourages me to go to what I really enjoy and am good at. Maybe both.
I'm not really interested anymore in my actions being based on what's right and wrong, but I am very interested in my actions being based on what is good/healthy and what is harmful/unhealthy, on what gives life and what takes it away. I think that's supposed to be the basis for morality, anyway, but even if it is, the meaning is lost for me when I start to think in terms of right and wrong.
I don't know why, but superstition is on my mind. I don't want to live a superstitious life. The good events in my life don't result from praying, the bad events don't result from not praying. I believe that (and also believe that prayer is important). The equations aren't that easy. Prayer isn't magic either, it's not casting a spell. That's important for me. I don't want the most important thing to be the words.
I'm figuring that there's some things I'm really not very good at. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know whether to work or those things because I know I'm not good at them or whether it just encourages me to go to what I really enjoy and am good at. Maybe both.
I'm not really interested anymore in my actions being based on what's right and wrong, but I am very interested in my actions being based on what is good/healthy and what is harmful/unhealthy, on what gives life and what takes it away. I think that's supposed to be the basis for morality, anyway, but even if it is, the meaning is lost for me when I start to think in terms of right and wrong.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
summaries
Here's a summary of what I'm thinking about the Bible right now:
1. God doesn't follow the Bible or need a Biblical precedent to act.
2. I have no reason to think of the Bible as infallible or non-contradictory, and don't find this very threatening.
3. There's still something important and authoritative and of God in the Bible.
4. Since I've been reading the Quran lately, it's become more important to me that the Bible is a narrative. It makes for a much more interesting read, and makes me realize that it's very hard to actually know God outside of a narrative context (including my own life).
Here's a summary of "where I'm at with God", whatever that means:
1. My understanding of God is founded very much in God's silence, alongside his presence and his guidance.
2. Right now ideas of sacrifice and service and duty to God don't mean very much to me.
3. The idea of God calling me to die is still very fascinating and appealing.
4. Sin has very little signifance to me.
5. I very much want to know God and know him very well, and join him in what he's doing and find life by finding him. I want to be one with God and move the ways he's moving. I know that's weird, and doesnt really acknowledge difference of status in the God-Alex relationship, but...
6. I don't know if these changes in my thinking are leading me closer and closer to God, or not. I know that I'm pulling away from traditional Christian understandings of God and the Bible and Christianity, but I don't think that's necessarily the same as pulling away from God or from Jesus. I don't deny that serving God is important, I'm just changing (I hope) the way I look at service. I want it to follow from seeking God and out of love rather than out of duty or obligation or a sense of martyrdom (even though I know and have found that one way of coming to know God is through service and through loving others).
1. God doesn't follow the Bible or need a Biblical precedent to act.
2. I have no reason to think of the Bible as infallible or non-contradictory, and don't find this very threatening.
3. There's still something important and authoritative and of God in the Bible.
4. Since I've been reading the Quran lately, it's become more important to me that the Bible is a narrative. It makes for a much more interesting read, and makes me realize that it's very hard to actually know God outside of a narrative context (including my own life).
Here's a summary of "where I'm at with God", whatever that means:
1. My understanding of God is founded very much in God's silence, alongside his presence and his guidance.
2. Right now ideas of sacrifice and service and duty to God don't mean very much to me.
3. The idea of God calling me to die is still very fascinating and appealing.
4. Sin has very little signifance to me.
5. I very much want to know God and know him very well, and join him in what he's doing and find life by finding him. I want to be one with God and move the ways he's moving. I know that's weird, and doesnt really acknowledge difference of status in the God-Alex relationship, but...
6. I don't know if these changes in my thinking are leading me closer and closer to God, or not. I know that I'm pulling away from traditional Christian understandings of God and the Bible and Christianity, but I don't think that's necessarily the same as pulling away from God or from Jesus. I don't deny that serving God is important, I'm just changing (I hope) the way I look at service. I want it to follow from seeking God and out of love rather than out of duty or obligation or a sense of martyrdom (even though I know and have found that one way of coming to know God is through service and through loving others).
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
more on money
I was talking with some friends tonight, and here's something we talked about that I've had on my mind for a while. It has to do with money, and with giving. Over Christmas, I looked at my CD case and decided that I was going to give a friend of mine some CDs that I hadn't listened to in a long time. So I did. One sad part about it was that even two years ago I was thinking of giving him one of the CDs, and I didn't, and I really haven't listened to it in the last two years. But as I was giving them to him, I knew the giving wasn't really significant. It's not significant that I give my friend CDs I don't want or listen to anymore. It's significant when I give away my favorite CD, when I give away my favorite book. At the same time, I think guilt is bullshit, and I realize that it is a step towards where I want to be, and that I'm on the way to where I want to be and what is good.
Also, it won't even be significant just that I give away what is most dear to me and what I want to keep the most, what's significant is when I do that and I want to do it, and I do it because I love the person I'm giving to and want them to be as happy with what I'm giving them as I've been. Contrary to C.S. Lewis, I don't think that "pretending"--doing what you know is right even when you're not quite there--is the right answer (though I think there's some truth to the idea). People won't change when they do what they should do out of guilt. That isn't real change and I don't know that it leads to real change. People change when they do something out of joy and love (too abstract). Then again, you might say that you won't give out of love until you've already been changed. Both are true.
I won't guilt myself into changing, because that isn't love, and it isn't God. That is what I believe.
Here's another question that I was kicking around: is it okay to buy something just because I want it and would enjoy it? When I think about this in terms of God and myself, it seems obvious that this is fine. What father would give his son a snake when they ask for a fish and all that. But then again, what father would give his son a fish when that son is well fed and when his daughter is starving? When I think about myself in terms of humanity, the question becomes trickier (but intuition tells me that it is okay, for whatever that's worth).
Change of scenery.
I want to learn, to understand what I'm studying and be excited it about it. Something that's really important to me is that I start asking more questions in class. I did this a lot in high school, but almost never in college. I'm not sure why. And I want to ask real questions, not just correct teachers when they accidentally say A instead of B, or ask a question to sound smart. Letting yourself ask what may be simple and stupid questions is an important part of actually learning.
Also, it won't even be significant just that I give away what is most dear to me and what I want to keep the most, what's significant is when I do that and I want to do it, and I do it because I love the person I'm giving to and want them to be as happy with what I'm giving them as I've been. Contrary to C.S. Lewis, I don't think that "pretending"--doing what you know is right even when you're not quite there--is the right answer (though I think there's some truth to the idea). People won't change when they do what they should do out of guilt. That isn't real change and I don't know that it leads to real change. People change when they do something out of joy and love (too abstract). Then again, you might say that you won't give out of love until you've already been changed. Both are true.
I won't guilt myself into changing, because that isn't love, and it isn't God. That is what I believe.
Here's another question that I was kicking around: is it okay to buy something just because I want it and would enjoy it? When I think about this in terms of God and myself, it seems obvious that this is fine. What father would give his son a snake when they ask for a fish and all that. But then again, what father would give his son a fish when that son is well fed and when his daughter is starving? When I think about myself in terms of humanity, the question becomes trickier (but intuition tells me that it is okay, for whatever that's worth).
Change of scenery.
I want to learn, to understand what I'm studying and be excited it about it. Something that's really important to me is that I start asking more questions in class. I did this a lot in high school, but almost never in college. I'm not sure why. And I want to ask real questions, not just correct teachers when they accidentally say A instead of B, or ask a question to sound smart. Letting yourself ask what may be simple and stupid questions is an important part of actually learning.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
back
Here's two interactions that happened during my break that I'm glad about:
1. The LUS encounter.
A guy who went to seminary at liberty university came and visited my house this break and had dinner with my me and my family (yes, I'm pretty sure that here that actually is correct grammar, I guess I'll find out soon). This was a good thing because up until now I've basically made fun of Liberty University or else been very negative about it. I really don't know much about Liberty, but what I've heard I haven't liked. But it was good to feel someone from there, because when I did I was embarrassed about making fun of it, and that's probably a good reason to stop making fun of something.
2. The Western Guy Marrying a Thai Woman Encounter
On my flight from Chiang Rai to Bangkok, I say next to an Australian guy. Early on in the flight he told me that he was going back to Australia, then coming back soon to get married. I felt like asking if he was marrying a Thai, but didn't ask because I wondered if he would feel like I was criticizing him even by asking the question. But it stayed on my mind, so I did, and I'm glad I did, because I'm using to seeing old white men with young Thai girls, and feeling very angry at the men. But it wasn't like that with this guy. For one thing, the girl is only 9 years younger than him, so it's not one of the marriages with a 20 or 30 year difference. He was probably in his 50s (he was talking about retiring within the year) so she was probably in her 40s, maybe 50s. 1 point for him. I also assume that when the Thai girls marry the men, they do it for money. In this situation, though, it sounded like the woman was pretty well off, and that probably wasn't as significant of a factor. 1 point for her.
Here's the simplified equation of what I'm writing: prejudice = bad.
I wonder if it's such a bad thing to marry for money. It makes sense in some ways, not that I feel like I would want to.
I was thinking yesterday about how it would be a good resolution to not be impressed by anyone ever again. No one should be on a pedestal, it's dehumanizing. I think about this sometimes with homeless people, that people I know who want to minister them (and I'm not talking about my brother, actually, in case anyone was wondering since he works with the homeless) have this almost worshipful or awestruck attitude towards them. I think it's dehumanizing (even if it's positive dehumanization). I see it also with people who want to be missionaries to Africa, or to work with a certain group of people. They're amazed by them. I also see this with boys towards girls, and less with girls towards boys (but maybe I just don't see it as much). Actually, the attitude I'm thinking of isn't amazement, it's idealization. Sorry, but child victims of the Tsunami weren't great little kids, a lot of them were bratty, just like kids every where else, and a lot of them were fun, just like kids everywhere else. Black people aren't sweet and amazing people because they have a history of being oppressed.
Anyway, the point isn't to put down anyone, at all, it's just that idealizing others doesn't do you or them any good. It may not be the opposite of a loving attitude, but it's definitely divergent from loving. Love isn't only seeing what's good and best in people (or inventing things that aren't there), it's looking at everything, the shitty parts and the things that bug you about them along with the great parts and things you like. Love is not invention.
Blah blah blah. What the fuck do I know about love?
1. The LUS encounter.
A guy who went to seminary at liberty university came and visited my house this break and had dinner with my me and my family (yes, I'm pretty sure that here that actually is correct grammar, I guess I'll find out soon). This was a good thing because up until now I've basically made fun of Liberty University or else been very negative about it. I really don't know much about Liberty, but what I've heard I haven't liked. But it was good to feel someone from there, because when I did I was embarrassed about making fun of it, and that's probably a good reason to stop making fun of something.
2. The Western Guy Marrying a Thai Woman Encounter
On my flight from Chiang Rai to Bangkok, I say next to an Australian guy. Early on in the flight he told me that he was going back to Australia, then coming back soon to get married. I felt like asking if he was marrying a Thai, but didn't ask because I wondered if he would feel like I was criticizing him even by asking the question. But it stayed on my mind, so I did, and I'm glad I did, because I'm using to seeing old white men with young Thai girls, and feeling very angry at the men. But it wasn't like that with this guy. For one thing, the girl is only 9 years younger than him, so it's not one of the marriages with a 20 or 30 year difference. He was probably in his 50s (he was talking about retiring within the year) so she was probably in her 40s, maybe 50s. 1 point for him. I also assume that when the Thai girls marry the men, they do it for money. In this situation, though, it sounded like the woman was pretty well off, and that probably wasn't as significant of a factor. 1 point for her.
Here's the simplified equation of what I'm writing: prejudice = bad.
I wonder if it's such a bad thing to marry for money. It makes sense in some ways, not that I feel like I would want to.
I was thinking yesterday about how it would be a good resolution to not be impressed by anyone ever again. No one should be on a pedestal, it's dehumanizing. I think about this sometimes with homeless people, that people I know who want to minister them (and I'm not talking about my brother, actually, in case anyone was wondering since he works with the homeless) have this almost worshipful or awestruck attitude towards them. I think it's dehumanizing (even if it's positive dehumanization). I see it also with people who want to be missionaries to Africa, or to work with a certain group of people. They're amazed by them. I also see this with boys towards girls, and less with girls towards boys (but maybe I just don't see it as much). Actually, the attitude I'm thinking of isn't amazement, it's idealization. Sorry, but child victims of the Tsunami weren't great little kids, a lot of them were bratty, just like kids every where else, and a lot of them were fun, just like kids everywhere else. Black people aren't sweet and amazing people because they have a history of being oppressed.
Anyway, the point isn't to put down anyone, at all, it's just that idealizing others doesn't do you or them any good. It may not be the opposite of a loving attitude, but it's definitely divergent from loving. Love isn't only seeing what's good and best in people (or inventing things that aren't there), it's looking at everything, the shitty parts and the things that bug you about them along with the great parts and things you like. Love is not invention.
Blah blah blah. What the fuck do I know about love?
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