that's interesting

Most of my interactions lately have finished with me feeling like an idiot. In class, I feel like the things I say have no relevance or intelligence or importance. If I'm with people, I feel offensive, or like I haven't been listening well, or boring. I finish talking with people and realize all the things I could have asked and the ways I could have listened better.

Here is why I don't really talk to people about whatever I'm dealing with: I hate it being brought up again. I get very bored talking about my problems, it's usually something I want to talk about once and then put behind me. It gets in the way. And I don't like it because people usually make too much of my problems, and want to keep talking about them when I'm done talking about them, and then I just start to detach and check out. Yep.

So I've been very lonely lately. I think this is because I don't get to really see my friends very often. I'm around them a lot, but not where I can actually talk to them.

In other news, I hate the word "interesting." More specifically, I hate when people start out their comments in class by saying "I think it's interesting...." It's weak language and gets in the way of actually saying anything. Then I noticed I did it today, too. But I'm trying to eliminate watered down language from my speech, so hopefully "interesting" will disappear soon. Then again, I don't want to be one of those people that makes ridiculous, extremist comments, which is what a lot of claims look like without weakened language.

Here's something I was thinking about the other night. I've thought before that my focus needs to go from what I can do for God to what I can do with God, how I can join God in what he's doing and not get in his way. But the other night, when I was in a situation where someone needed help and I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do, I realized that by trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do, I might completely check out of the situation and miss what's going on and what God's trying to do. In other words, God doesn't need me, and if I focus on what he's doing then my response will hopefully become clear. Not always, I don't think it's that simple. Whatever, I feel like I'm making ridiculous distinctions and hairsplitting, but that wasn't how it started out.