I think that we need new ways of talking about God. Most of the imagery we use is taken from scripture. This makes sense, but I guess what I'm thinking is that the writers of the books in the Bible were creating their own images, and that we need to as well. Or, at least, there is precedent for it. It gets old hearing the same imagery repeated over and over. This is one of the reasons that I like mewithoutYou. Jesus seems pretty liberal with his own images of God, like comparing God to a judge that won't give someone justice until they bug him enough. I feel like maybe that frees me up a little.
I'm trying to figure out how to interpret the Bible, what an appropriate means of interpretation is, an appropriate hermeneutic. I don't know if I buy into interpretations where we can examine the conduct of, say, the early church or individuals (except Jesus), and then say that we should follow their example. For one thing, the early church was wrong. That is, the early church was not perfect. They had their own struggles and ways in which they were wrong. This applies to individuals as well. I am not convinced that someone's behavior in the Bible implies a precedent or guideline for how I should life my life and live my life as a Christian. The struggle is that I instinctively interpret the Bible in this way, perhaps because that is how I've always seen it interpreted. And I do believe that it is scripture (whatever that means), so in some sense it's going to be didactic and lesson-teaching.
We recognize on some level that we can't interpret the Bible so easily, because the Bible is about messed up people whose example we both can't follow and must follow. The funny thing is, I would use the very hermeneutic that I'm suspicious of to answer peoples questions and doubts, maybe because they would probably accept that type of answer.
I suppose the lessons I'm learning now are different. They are precedents, in a sense, but different precedents. I look at Job, and see that God wants nothing to do with existential dishonesty, that he wants nothing to do with me or anyone else making excuses for him, that he would rather I be honestly wrong than dishonestly right, that giving someone orthodox answers while ignoring and rejecting their experience and their suffering is wrong.
Another thing I was thinking of: one of the best things about the Message is that we recognize it as the interpretation of an individual human being. I guess the point is that all translation is interpretation, and that's useful to recognize when reading the Bible (or any other book translated into English). No matter how objective a translator attempts to be, they will interpret, and hopefully interpret in they way they think is most accurate. This requires interpretation.
Seeking a new way of interpretation, I feel like someone could easily point at me and quote verses which say to hold fast to the truth I was taught. There could probably be some validity to this, but I don't think it's very relevant since I have no way of knowing the difference between truth and not-quite-truths that were taught to me. That way of thinking implies that someone got it absolutely right. No one did, no one has, no one will. Paul didn't have it right (but hopefully we got the parts he did get right), and none of the writers of the Bible did. No teaching or interpretation has ever got "it" right. That doesn't need to make us feel afraid. God has it right, and I think that's enough.
God > Bible.
I don't need to try to fit absolute truth into every sentence. I decided this a little bit ago. Right now, I appreciate honesty more than accuracy.
Right now, I feel like I want more of the mystery of God and Jesus and Christianity. Less explicits, less explanation, less systematic interpretation. I don't want explicit songs, I want mysterious songs. I don't want simplistic explanations, I want to admit that for a lot of things, we don't have a clue. New images, same God.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
need
A few nights ago I was at a jazz show at New Horizons, and I was reading displays on the wall. One of them was about a kid that had died young--18--and something said there stuck with me, which was basically that some people wait and wait to do the things they need to in life, but this guy didn't. And that made me think about me, and how I want to do what I need to do. Now. Not wait for a better time, because there probably will never be a better time. The problem is, I don't necessarily know what I need to do, but here are a few thoughts.
1. Write. I don't know why, but when I think about dying soon (and it could happen, you never know), I feel like I need to write a lot. Maybe it's just that I feel this desperate need to be remembered, which is possible, but another part of me thinks that's a dumb theory and it just means that if I died without writing a lot more than I've written, I would feel like I missed out on what I needed to do.
2. Live honestly. I don't want there to be a disconnect between what I think is right and good and how I live. I don't want there to be a disconnect between who I am and how I act, or the image I create for myself (well, maybe in some ways). And, while I don't think of myself as a liar or someone who lies regularly, honesty isn't just sticking to the facts. I think it's fully possible for everything I say to be true, in the sense that it is factually correct, but still completely false. Similarly, I think it's easily possible to say completely false things (in the sense of facts) that are absolutely honest. So it's going for honesty beyond mere facts, maybe an existential and personal honesty.
I feel like I should include some sort of God thing, but it would be fake and forced, so I won't. I hope that God is a central enough part of my life that what I need to do involves him, but I'll figure it out when I figure it out, and the other two are involved with God in their own ways.
I was just thinking about how I haven't apologized to anyone in a long time, real apology where I've completely screwed up and where it's difficult and terrifying and embarassing. Actually, that's not quite true, there have been a few times. Overall at SPU though, it's been rare. I don't attribute this to me being a great person, I attribute it to me not being fully connected and engaged in peoples lives to the point that I can hurt them badly (and realize it). It could also be that I'm not as guilt-controlled and paranoid as I used to be. Probably both. The one, I think, is bad. The other, good. Then again, I suspect that I hurt people often and I'm either unaware about it or unsure about it. Sometimes I sense it, but my senses aren't always good. I have a habit of assuming that if someone's upset, it's about me, and that's dumb, it's so self-centered.
Yup.
1. Write. I don't know why, but when I think about dying soon (and it could happen, you never know), I feel like I need to write a lot. Maybe it's just that I feel this desperate need to be remembered, which is possible, but another part of me thinks that's a dumb theory and it just means that if I died without writing a lot more than I've written, I would feel like I missed out on what I needed to do.
2. Live honestly. I don't want there to be a disconnect between what I think is right and good and how I live. I don't want there to be a disconnect between who I am and how I act, or the image I create for myself (well, maybe in some ways). And, while I don't think of myself as a liar or someone who lies regularly, honesty isn't just sticking to the facts. I think it's fully possible for everything I say to be true, in the sense that it is factually correct, but still completely false. Similarly, I think it's easily possible to say completely false things (in the sense of facts) that are absolutely honest. So it's going for honesty beyond mere facts, maybe an existential and personal honesty.
I feel like I should include some sort of God thing, but it would be fake and forced, so I won't. I hope that God is a central enough part of my life that what I need to do involves him, but I'll figure it out when I figure it out, and the other two are involved with God in their own ways.
I was just thinking about how I haven't apologized to anyone in a long time, real apology where I've completely screwed up and where it's difficult and terrifying and embarassing. Actually, that's not quite true, there have been a few times. Overall at SPU though, it's been rare. I don't attribute this to me being a great person, I attribute it to me not being fully connected and engaged in peoples lives to the point that I can hurt them badly (and realize it). It could also be that I'm not as guilt-controlled and paranoid as I used to be. Probably both. The one, I think, is bad. The other, good. Then again, I suspect that I hurt people often and I'm either unaware about it or unsure about it. Sometimes I sense it, but my senses aren't always good. I have a habit of assuming that if someone's upset, it's about me, and that's dumb, it's so self-centered.
Yup.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
dee vee jun
there's a painting hanging on the wall above my computer that I never looked at before. it's a picture of a hummingbird.
often, when I think about people being broken, or myself being broken, I think of it as divided. my life and interests and passions are divided. I don't love God wholly, or purely. I don't love others wholly, or purely. and, I never will, no matter how much I want to (and I never will want to absolutely, because of this division where even when I want to love God and love others I still want to look out for myself, not in a good way but in a bad way). I'm tired of that.
often, when I think about people being broken, or myself being broken, I think of it as divided. my life and interests and passions are divided. I don't love God wholly, or purely. I don't love others wholly, or purely. and, I never will, no matter how much I want to (and I never will want to absolutely, because of this division where even when I want to love God and love others I still want to look out for myself, not in a good way but in a bad way). I'm tired of that.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
prayer, Thailand (not connected)
I used to pray a lot for other people. I think I just got burnt out on it and so I stopped. besides that, I think I just haven't been involved in anyones lives enough that I would know how to pray for them (as if I ever know how to pray for people, but you understand?). this is starting to change. it can still seem overwhelming, but I guess it doesn't need to be. God is good whether I pray or not.
I was thinking about division, earlier. I started thinking about how I am divided online: myspace, facebook, here, for instance. I don't really like it, it gets old checking lots of different sites, and it would be nice to have an all purpose site where all the people I care about are and that suits my purposes. not going to happen. but that's okay. writing about anything really in depth on myspace is hard for me, like it's out of place, so I don't do that.
but then I started thinking about other divisions in my life. start broad: thailand and the states. then in washington, my life might appropriately be divided between people I know from church in bothell, people I know from school, and people I know from the kazba. generally, these are mutually exclusive. for the most part, my friends here have never been to thailand, and if they have they've never lived there (for the most part). likewise, my brother is my only friend from Thailand that lives here now.
it's hard to talk about Thailand with people here. I'm not sure why. I guess it gets old hearing the same questions asked all the time, especially questions that are impossible to answer: "What was it like?" I usually just say something trite, like "it was hot", and I never really talk about the hard parts of living in Thailand. I guess that's not unusual, my friends don't bring up their hometowns very often in conversation, so it would make sense that I wouldn't. it still feels different to me though.
I think it's hard for people to see that Thailand was not exotic. there were things that were good and strange and beautiful about Thailand, and there were things that were hard and that sucked about it. like anywhere else. it was just life.
I think that I don't talk about how Thailand was hard, because that has to do with my own experience, but the questions that people are usually asking aren't dealing with me as an individual, they're attempting to find out what Thailand is like. perhaps on some level, then, I can understand why a black person on campus would feel uncomfortable when they're asked what it's like to be a black person on campus. the question isn't really about them as an individual, and it attempts to get them to speak from individual experience to speak for a collective and for the individual experiences of others. well, my experience of Thailand is not like other peoples experience, and most people don't get to the point that they're really asking about me, so I probably won't tell them about me.
still, I can understand, because I do the same thing. when people visit a place that I'm interested in, I ask them the same type of questions. maybe that needs to change? also, I think some of the same questions can be asked and still have the focus on the individual, when you're not asking them to speak for something more than they can speak for, when you want to find out about their life because it is their life.
I think that there is some danger in me exoticizing my own experiences in Thailand, and forgetting about the hard times there, and taking it as this thing which sets me apart from people. oh, I go back and forth on how much it actually sets me apart, back and forth on how much of it is just in my head.
I was thinking about division, earlier. I started thinking about how I am divided online: myspace, facebook, here, for instance. I don't really like it, it gets old checking lots of different sites, and it would be nice to have an all purpose site where all the people I care about are and that suits my purposes. not going to happen. but that's okay. writing about anything really in depth on myspace is hard for me, like it's out of place, so I don't do that.
but then I started thinking about other divisions in my life. start broad: thailand and the states. then in washington, my life might appropriately be divided between people I know from church in bothell, people I know from school, and people I know from the kazba. generally, these are mutually exclusive. for the most part, my friends here have never been to thailand, and if they have they've never lived there (for the most part). likewise, my brother is my only friend from Thailand that lives here now.
it's hard to talk about Thailand with people here. I'm not sure why. I guess it gets old hearing the same questions asked all the time, especially questions that are impossible to answer: "What was it like?" I usually just say something trite, like "it was hot", and I never really talk about the hard parts of living in Thailand. I guess that's not unusual, my friends don't bring up their hometowns very often in conversation, so it would make sense that I wouldn't. it still feels different to me though.
I think it's hard for people to see that Thailand was not exotic. there were things that were good and strange and beautiful about Thailand, and there were things that were hard and that sucked about it. like anywhere else. it was just life.
I think that I don't talk about how Thailand was hard, because that has to do with my own experience, but the questions that people are usually asking aren't dealing with me as an individual, they're attempting to find out what Thailand is like. perhaps on some level, then, I can understand why a black person on campus would feel uncomfortable when they're asked what it's like to be a black person on campus. the question isn't really about them as an individual, and it attempts to get them to speak from individual experience to speak for a collective and for the individual experiences of others. well, my experience of Thailand is not like other peoples experience, and most people don't get to the point that they're really asking about me, so I probably won't tell them about me.
still, I can understand, because I do the same thing. when people visit a place that I'm interested in, I ask them the same type of questions. maybe that needs to change? also, I think some of the same questions can be asked and still have the focus on the individual, when you're not asking them to speak for something more than they can speak for, when you want to find out about their life because it is their life.
I think that there is some danger in me exoticizing my own experiences in Thailand, and forgetting about the hard times there, and taking it as this thing which sets me apart from people. oh, I go back and forth on how much it actually sets me apart, back and forth on how much of it is just in my head.
Friday, June 15, 2007
drugs and consistency
I'm for the legalization of marijuana, but I'm convinced that when it comes to legal/illegal substances, there are no consistent arguments. that is, divisions between what should be legal and what should be legal appear arbitrary. for instance, if the issue is health (which would be good reason to ban some substances) then there are a lot of substances which are now legal but are incredibly unhealthy, and to ban one substance on that basis demands that you ban others on that basis as well. the same applies for addiction, mind-alteration (caffeine is mildly mind-altering, but obviously the degree to which caffeine is addictive and mind-altering is a lot less than other illegal substances) and damage to society (if drugs cause people to act dangerously, and if drugs mess up families, alcohol does the same). a lot of seems to come down to degrees, but the division among these degrees seem arbitrary. I would hesitate to say that all drugs should be legalized, but I think there are a lot of good arguments for legalization of marijuana especially, and maybe other drugs (including arguments that if marijuana were legalized, taxes could be reduced. less strain on jails, and more...).
but to judge solely on principles might miss the point. to say that ice cream is unhealthy for you is a lot different than saying that heroin is unhealthy for you. to argue that if heroin is illegal (for one reason) because of its harm to the body then ice cream should be as well seems to ignore the fact that people who eat ice cream everyday are probably going to be functioning better than people who shoot up on heroin every day (just a guess). while arguments based on principle are consistent, I'm not sure that they are sufficient. it's like saying that because rapists and kindergarten bullies both use violence, they should either both be locked up, or neither should be locked up. there is obviously something ridiculous about that.
this is the direction I find myself going...away from ideals and principles to what is practical and realistic. I still find libertarian ideas very attractive (it's a libertarian stance that drugs should be legalized), and how I want the world to work, but they also feel insufficient. to some degree, I find myself needing to move from consistency to uncertainty and ambiguity and arbitrary choice.
putting it in those terms seems threatening, because of the idea that consistency is good and inconsistency is bad. I think that the danger of consistency is that it causes people to do bad things for good reasons. the principle becomes so elevated that we ignore the consequences of what we're doing, but are sure on some level that we need to be consistent.
love > consistency
but to judge solely on principles might miss the point. to say that ice cream is unhealthy for you is a lot different than saying that heroin is unhealthy for you. to argue that if heroin is illegal (for one reason) because of its harm to the body then ice cream should be as well seems to ignore the fact that people who eat ice cream everyday are probably going to be functioning better than people who shoot up on heroin every day (just a guess). while arguments based on principle are consistent, I'm not sure that they are sufficient. it's like saying that because rapists and kindergarten bullies both use violence, they should either both be locked up, or neither should be locked up. there is obviously something ridiculous about that.
this is the direction I find myself going...away from ideals and principles to what is practical and realistic. I still find libertarian ideas very attractive (it's a libertarian stance that drugs should be legalized), and how I want the world to work, but they also feel insufficient. to some degree, I find myself needing to move from consistency to uncertainty and ambiguity and arbitrary choice.
putting it in those terms seems threatening, because of the idea that consistency is good and inconsistency is bad. I think that the danger of consistency is that it causes people to do bad things for good reasons. the principle becomes so elevated that we ignore the consequences of what we're doing, but are sure on some level that we need to be consistent.
love > consistency
Thursday, June 14, 2007
passive samaritans, and clothes
I think that today I see God. Maybe. And it's funny, I say that because of hard things that have happened and not because of times where I see everything come together. I wish I could say I have an overwhelming sense of God's goodness and that things will turn out okay and that God is guiding me, but I don't. I don't feel that. But today, I feel more...confident in God. Maybe.
I saw a cat stuck in a tree today. I was riding my bike, and I came to a bridge over a deep gulley between two housing developments. I stopped on the bridge to think or pray, and I heard a meow. So I looked around and started meowing back. This went on for quite a while until I actually managed to find where the cat was. Then I stood there for a while watching it and meowing every once in a while. But I didn't know how I could help it, so I told a guy in a cul-de-sac off of the bridge, and he thought he might know whose cat it was. And I was thinking that if I was placed in the good samaritan story, I would be the guy that passed by and didn't help because he didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. That seems to characterize my life: inaction/ambivalence as the result of uncertainty. Some days I like that, and think it's good. Other times, I think the only way to know is by moving one way or the other.
Weird run-ins today: I saw my kindergarten teacher in the mall today. It was cool because I'd wanted to see her, but a little disappointing because...what do you say to someone you haven't seen in 10 years (no, I didn't graduate from kindy at age 10, last time I saw her was around then)?
In other news, I decided the other day that clothes are dumb, and that--although it may sound unchristian--I'm a clothing relativist. what's good for you is not good for me. let me wear what I what I want, and I'll let you wear what you want. unless your clothes suck.
other things that frustrate me: the idea of dressing up for interviews. the idea of dressing up nice for anything except celebrations (business meetings, church ("but isn't church a celebration, too, alex?!?!")). for celebrations, I can understand. I didn't mind dressing up for my friend's wedding over Christmas. it just seems so silly and stupid for something like business or church.
other clothes related thought: avoiding brand-name clothes because they're brand name suffers from the same problem as wearing brand clothing because they're brand. there's clothes that I would never want to wear, just because I don't want people to think that I actually care and because I don't want people to think that brands matter to me, and I don't want the connotations associated with certain clothes. unfortunately, this type of thinking just demonstrates that it does matter on some level to me. perhaps there is some difference, or some basis, but I think this is good to remember before I look down on other people because they actually care about what brands they wear. (note: this section is ignoring what might be pertinent issues, like the business ethics of different companies, and not wanting to support those businesses for whatever reason. that's dimly related to this conversation, but isn't especially relevant to what I'm getting at).
I hate wearing new clothes or new shoes. it's embarassing. not all the time.
everyone cares on some level about how they look and what they wear, it just manifests in different ways. sometimes for me, that means wearing things that I don't like.
I saw a cat stuck in a tree today. I was riding my bike, and I came to a bridge over a deep gulley between two housing developments. I stopped on the bridge to think or pray, and I heard a meow. So I looked around and started meowing back. This went on for quite a while until I actually managed to find where the cat was. Then I stood there for a while watching it and meowing every once in a while. But I didn't know how I could help it, so I told a guy in a cul-de-sac off of the bridge, and he thought he might know whose cat it was. And I was thinking that if I was placed in the good samaritan story, I would be the guy that passed by and didn't help because he didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. That seems to characterize my life: inaction/ambivalence as the result of uncertainty. Some days I like that, and think it's good. Other times, I think the only way to know is by moving one way or the other.
Weird run-ins today: I saw my kindergarten teacher in the mall today. It was cool because I'd wanted to see her, but a little disappointing because...what do you say to someone you haven't seen in 10 years (no, I didn't graduate from kindy at age 10, last time I saw her was around then)?
In other news, I decided the other day that clothes are dumb, and that--although it may sound unchristian--I'm a clothing relativist. what's good for you is not good for me. let me wear what I what I want, and I'll let you wear what you want. unless your clothes suck.
other things that frustrate me: the idea of dressing up for interviews. the idea of dressing up nice for anything except celebrations (business meetings, church ("but isn't church a celebration, too, alex?!?!")). for celebrations, I can understand. I didn't mind dressing up for my friend's wedding over Christmas. it just seems so silly and stupid for something like business or church.
other clothes related thought: avoiding brand-name clothes because they're brand name suffers from the same problem as wearing brand clothing because they're brand. there's clothes that I would never want to wear, just because I don't want people to think that I actually care and because I don't want people to think that brands matter to me, and I don't want the connotations associated with certain clothes. unfortunately, this type of thinking just demonstrates that it does matter on some level to me. perhaps there is some difference, or some basis, but I think this is good to remember before I look down on other people because they actually care about what brands they wear. (note: this section is ignoring what might be pertinent issues, like the business ethics of different companies, and not wanting to support those businesses for whatever reason. that's dimly related to this conversation, but isn't especially relevant to what I'm getting at).
I hate wearing new clothes or new shoes. it's embarassing. not all the time.
everyone cares on some level about how they look and what they wear, it just manifests in different ways. sometimes for me, that means wearing things that I don't like.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
listening
if it's important to be a safe place for people to share what is rotten about themselves, it's also important to be a safe place for people to share what they like and what they are passionate about. I feel like people who are honest about what they actually like encounter a lot of ridicule. that's dumb. whether I like what they like is irrelevant, I don't think it's good to make people feel embarassed or ashamed, or to make them fear ridicule. now, of course, I wonder how often I do make people feel embarassed or ashamed. let people like what they like. don't worry, they probably think that what you do is as stupid or unappealing as you think what they do is.
but what about when what people are doing actually is stupid, and isn't just taste, and they're actually wasting their lives away? I don't know, and that's not really what I'm referring to anyway. (as a note, I suspect that if somebody else was writing everything I write, and I was reading it, I would probably disagree with myself on a lot of things, or at least push against what I'm saying, and clarify, and make distinctions. that gets old after a while though. and while making distinctions and arguing with myself can be useful when it's honest and something I'm really grappling with, it's tiresome when it's done just so that people won't misunderstand what I have to say and think I'm an idiot. that can also be important. so if you are reading something I write, and happen to think I'm an idiot, I probably agree with you (including thinking I'm an idiot after reading that sentence, since I obviously am not going to agree with everyone's disagreements with me). blah blah blah)
I don't like guilt, either, and I want no part in making people feel guilty. but I know the temptation of making people feel guilty when they mess up. that's dumb.
also, when I'm miserable or in a bad mood, I don't want to be a person that makes everyone else miserable. that's dumb too. I do realize that I have a tendency to do this, and I don't like it.
most things in life are dumb, but Jesus isn't, and I actually mean that.
but what about when what people are doing actually is stupid, and isn't just taste, and they're actually wasting their lives away? I don't know, and that's not really what I'm referring to anyway. (as a note, I suspect that if somebody else was writing everything I write, and I was reading it, I would probably disagree with myself on a lot of things, or at least push against what I'm saying, and clarify, and make distinctions. that gets old after a while though. and while making distinctions and arguing with myself can be useful when it's honest and something I'm really grappling with, it's tiresome when it's done just so that people won't misunderstand what I have to say and think I'm an idiot. that can also be important. so if you are reading something I write, and happen to think I'm an idiot, I probably agree with you (including thinking I'm an idiot after reading that sentence, since I obviously am not going to agree with everyone's disagreements with me). blah blah blah)
I don't like guilt, either, and I want no part in making people feel guilty. but I know the temptation of making people feel guilty when they mess up. that's dumb.
also, when I'm miserable or in a bad mood, I don't want to be a person that makes everyone else miserable. that's dumb too. I do realize that I have a tendency to do this, and I don't like it.
most things in life are dumb, but Jesus isn't, and I actually mean that.
Monday, June 11, 2007
dumb
I was thinking of writing about my first year of college. maybe some other time. maybe the suspense will keep you all coming back.
my overall impression of today: America is dumb.
tv is also dumb. it's fascinating, but not in a good way. I realized this evening that I've been in the states for 15 months and I haven't seen a movie in theatre yet. I do like movies though. there've been a few close calls, but still no movies in theater. I was happy not having a tv in my room this school year, and I think I would be perfectly happy never having a tv in my house for the rest of my life (maybe a projector). I just hate having tv as the default background noise. I'd be happy without a dishwasher, too. it's hard to trust that a machine is cleaning my dishes properly, and it can be nice sometimes to wash dishes by hand.
it's nice (suddenly, I dislike that word, probably because it's so ambiguous and weak. weak words=bad) to sleep without an alarm, and to have blinds open at night and in the morning when I wake up.
my overall impression of today: America is dumb.
tv is also dumb. it's fascinating, but not in a good way. I realized this evening that I've been in the states for 15 months and I haven't seen a movie in theatre yet. I do like movies though. there've been a few close calls, but still no movies in theater. I was happy not having a tv in my room this school year, and I think I would be perfectly happy never having a tv in my house for the rest of my life (maybe a projector). I just hate having tv as the default background noise. I'd be happy without a dishwasher, too. it's hard to trust that a machine is cleaning my dishes properly, and it can be nice sometimes to wash dishes by hand.
it's nice (suddenly, I dislike that word, probably because it's so ambiguous and weak. weak words=bad) to sleep without an alarm, and to have blinds open at night and in the morning when I wake up.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
clenched fist, limp fish
I'm coming to see the importance of living life with an open hand. somewhere between the clenched fist and the limp fish. and that is how I want to approach relationships, too. except the whole thought of "approaching relationships" makes me uneasy, like something real is lost when something intentional is added. I like to be a low pressure zone, but to be low pressure runs the risk of being absolutely useless to anyone.
somewhere between absolute silence and conversational violence. often, I feel inadequate, so I don't say anything. or else that seems like the best course, anyway. I place a lot of value in silence (and sometimes I'm even grateful for the silence of God). silence and speech, both feel inadequate and in the end I can just tell stories. I guess the trouble with stories is that they bring the attention back to you.
I've decided that I want to be happy in the space that I live in next year, and maybe even over the summer. this has nothing to do with the people I'm living with (though obviously I would want to be happy with them, too). I want to enjoy being in the space that I live in, enjoy reading there and playing music and sitting around and hanging out with people. I'm tired of emptiness.
Frederick Buechner wrote, "I find I need to put things into words before I can believe that they are entirely real." When I read that today, I immediately thought of this from the other way: I need to put things into words before I can believe that they are entirely false. I'm finding value in saying what is untrue, what is false, what is disgusting, that to express them may be the way to what is true. confession, if only to God. all the prejudices and jealousies and lusts and angers and blasphemies and the cowardice and weakness. but not just to God, I need this with people too. I need to have the people to say horrible things to who will understand that I don't say them because I think that they are true, but that I say them because I believe them and don't want to. maybe that is why I write.
one night I came back from the kazba and checked my email. In the randomly generated URL on gmail, I noticed the letters G0d strung together. and that is perhaps the best example I can give of how I see God in my life: hidden in codes and strings of useless data, but present nonetheless. God's sneaky. sometimes that pisses me off and sometimes it is what I like best about him.
somewhere between absolute silence and conversational violence. often, I feel inadequate, so I don't say anything. or else that seems like the best course, anyway. I place a lot of value in silence (and sometimes I'm even grateful for the silence of God). silence and speech, both feel inadequate and in the end I can just tell stories. I guess the trouble with stories is that they bring the attention back to you.
I've decided that I want to be happy in the space that I live in next year, and maybe even over the summer. this has nothing to do with the people I'm living with (though obviously I would want to be happy with them, too). I want to enjoy being in the space that I live in, enjoy reading there and playing music and sitting around and hanging out with people. I'm tired of emptiness.
Frederick Buechner wrote, "I find I need to put things into words before I can believe that they are entirely real." When I read that today, I immediately thought of this from the other way: I need to put things into words before I can believe that they are entirely false. I'm finding value in saying what is untrue, what is false, what is disgusting, that to express them may be the way to what is true. confession, if only to God. all the prejudices and jealousies and lusts and angers and blasphemies and the cowardice and weakness. but not just to God, I need this with people too. I need to have the people to say horrible things to who will understand that I don't say them because I think that they are true, but that I say them because I believe them and don't want to. maybe that is why I write.
one night I came back from the kazba and checked my email. In the randomly generated URL on gmail, I noticed the letters G0d strung together. and that is perhaps the best example I can give of how I see God in my life: hidden in codes and strings of useless data, but present nonetheless. God's sneaky. sometimes that pisses me off and sometimes it is what I like best about him.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
suburbs
it's weird to be back in suburbia. I miss the city already (though I was there all day today, just like i miss people already, although it's only been a few days, or a day). everything feels different here, and I feel a weird severance right now, probably because I've been removed from where I was living and the way I was living for the past nine months.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
everything sounds stupid in writing
I feel absent from Christianity. That's partially true. More precisely, I'm not asking the same questions that I used to ask. The questions used to be centered around doctrine and morals. Now? Maybe existence and life. Doctrines and morals get so concentrated on getting it right, and maybe in the process miss the whole point. on that same note, I think my writing is changing from prescriptive to descriptive. moving away from trying to say what is "right" to say what is.
Also, I remember thinking that it was terrible to go to church for the people. Now, I think of church as the people, so of course it makes sense that I would want to go where my friends are and where community is. I've also realized that I dislike when churches have a lot of programs. swanger talked at scum last night about how involvement creates a sense of ownership, and i think that's true, and that this is why I still don't feel like a part of scum. I miss being involved in the church, and I'm glad I'll be involved over the summer, even if not at scum.
it's becoming important to me to grow and struggle with other people (I hate the term grow when applied to growing with other people, by the way). that is, perhaps, the downside of living in the dorms: even though we're all living on the same floor, we're not living together or struggling together. and I'm not convinced that I should try to create that atmosphere in the dorms, either, trying to force people together who don't wish to be together. I am looking forward to next year though.
everything sounds stupid in writing. every time I write on here, I feel like an idiot.
coming to the end of the school year, I wonder what my life will look like next year at this time. I hope that I'll meet some sweet new people, and be closer with the friends I already have. maybe I'll have a girlfriend, and maybe we'll be happy together. maybe God will make more sense. I wonder what I'll be doing next summer, and where I'll be living junior year (if I'm still in school). I'm interested to see how things turn out and how life turns out.
I've been thinking about the future lately. not really in detail, as in what I'll do with my life. more like how I'll live my life. and that's how I've had to make some decisions lately. I'm confronted with a choice and don't know what to do, and end up having to decide based on how I want my life to end up. when I put things in those terms, the choice usually isn't difficult. when I was deciding what to do for the summer, I was talking to a friend, and he put things in that light (but different). his take was more looking at what God wants with my life. not that I really know what God wants with my life, but thinking that way does help.
everything sounds stupid in writing.
I've also decided (again) that I won't let money control my life. it's such a small thing. I don't want to let money fears hold me back from what is good, and I think that if I really live that out, it won't hold me back. and I felt very at peace about this the other day.
last night, I fell asleep around 3:00. When I woke up, the clock was at 6:52, and I couldn't believe that I slepped straight into the next evening. it took me a few minutes to realize that was 6:52 in the morning. I have no idea why I woke up then.
I read siddhartha last week, and I was very interested with the descriptions of Buddha vs descriptions of Jesus. Buddha was described as at peace. Jesus often seems troubled. Jesus suffers. the central teachings of Buddhism are about how to end suffering. Jesus calls people to suffer. while Buddhism has its own appeals, this way of Jesus is the way I've found myself going lately: embracing the struggles and suffering and confusions. they're central to life.
everything sounds stupid in writing.
Also, I remember thinking that it was terrible to go to church for the people. Now, I think of church as the people, so of course it makes sense that I would want to go where my friends are and where community is. I've also realized that I dislike when churches have a lot of programs. swanger talked at scum last night about how involvement creates a sense of ownership, and i think that's true, and that this is why I still don't feel like a part of scum. I miss being involved in the church, and I'm glad I'll be involved over the summer, even if not at scum.
it's becoming important to me to grow and struggle with other people (I hate the term grow when applied to growing with other people, by the way). that is, perhaps, the downside of living in the dorms: even though we're all living on the same floor, we're not living together or struggling together. and I'm not convinced that I should try to create that atmosphere in the dorms, either, trying to force people together who don't wish to be together. I am looking forward to next year though.
everything sounds stupid in writing. every time I write on here, I feel like an idiot.
coming to the end of the school year, I wonder what my life will look like next year at this time. I hope that I'll meet some sweet new people, and be closer with the friends I already have. maybe I'll have a girlfriend, and maybe we'll be happy together. maybe God will make more sense. I wonder what I'll be doing next summer, and where I'll be living junior year (if I'm still in school). I'm interested to see how things turn out and how life turns out.
I've been thinking about the future lately. not really in detail, as in what I'll do with my life. more like how I'll live my life. and that's how I've had to make some decisions lately. I'm confronted with a choice and don't know what to do, and end up having to decide based on how I want my life to end up. when I put things in those terms, the choice usually isn't difficult. when I was deciding what to do for the summer, I was talking to a friend, and he put things in that light (but different). his take was more looking at what God wants with my life. not that I really know what God wants with my life, but thinking that way does help.
everything sounds stupid in writing.
I've also decided (again) that I won't let money control my life. it's such a small thing. I don't want to let money fears hold me back from what is good, and I think that if I really live that out, it won't hold me back. and I felt very at peace about this the other day.
last night, I fell asleep around 3:00. When I woke up, the clock was at 6:52, and I couldn't believe that I slepped straight into the next evening. it took me a few minutes to realize that was 6:52 in the morning. I have no idea why I woke up then.
I read siddhartha last week, and I was very interested with the descriptions of Buddha vs descriptions of Jesus. Buddha was described as at peace. Jesus often seems troubled. Jesus suffers. the central teachings of Buddhism are about how to end suffering. Jesus calls people to suffer. while Buddhism has its own appeals, this way of Jesus is the way I've found myself going lately: embracing the struggles and suffering and confusions. they're central to life.
everything sounds stupid in writing.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
singdo talae
I miss swimming in the ocean. Or more like standing in the ocean, since I wouldn't really swim around. And being on the beach and staying at the beach. I like the beach lifestyle, I like the way people dress at the beach. The beach makes me think, too, and I love to read and write when I'm there.
Here's what I've decided/realized: when/if I ever have a girlfriend, I don't want to be a couple that hangs on eachother in public and is separated from their friends. I've done that enough in the past with non-girlfriends, and it's not fun and it's not healthy.
Health. That is something I want. Not primarily in the physical sense, although that would be nice too (but what do I really do about that?). I want to feel healthy as a person, feel healthy with God and with others.
Here's what I've decided/realized: when/if I ever have a girlfriend, I don't want to be a couple that hangs on eachother in public and is separated from their friends. I've done that enough in the past with non-girlfriends, and it's not fun and it's not healthy.
Health. That is something I want. Not primarily in the physical sense, although that would be nice too (but what do I really do about that?). I want to feel healthy as a person, feel healthy with God and with others.
Friday, June 1, 2007
atitan
I don't know how to pray. I'm tired of speech and talk. And while listening is important too, I think that the best times of prayer I have are when I don't speak and I don't listen, but when I just am, when I can be. That's important to me with people, too, to move beyond speech and move beyond listening (without refusing to listen) and be able to be together in silence.
Last night, I thought that there is no life and no beauty outside of struggle. And, to some extent, I think that's true.
Last night, I thought that there is no life and no beauty outside of struggle. And, to some extent, I think that's true.
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