everything sounds stupid in writing

I feel absent from Christianity. That's partially true. More precisely, I'm not asking the same questions that I used to ask. The questions used to be centered around doctrine and morals. Now? Maybe existence and life. Doctrines and morals get so concentrated on getting it right, and maybe in the process miss the whole point. on that same note, I think my writing is changing from prescriptive to descriptive. moving away from trying to say what is "right" to say what is.

Also, I remember thinking that it was terrible to go to church for the people. Now, I think of church as the people, so of course it makes sense that I would want to go where my friends are and where community is. I've also realized that I dislike when churches have a lot of programs. swanger talked at scum last night about how involvement creates a sense of ownership, and i think that's true, and that this is why I still don't feel like a part of scum. I miss being involved in the church, and I'm glad I'll be involved over the summer, even if not at scum.

it's becoming important to me to grow and struggle with other people (I hate the term grow when applied to growing with other people, by the way). that is, perhaps, the downside of living in the dorms: even though we're all living on the same floor, we're not living together or struggling together. and I'm not convinced that I should try to create that atmosphere in the dorms, either, trying to force people together who don't wish to be together. I am looking forward to next year though.

everything sounds stupid in writing. every time I write on here, I feel like an idiot.

coming to the end of the school year, I wonder what my life will look like next year at this time. I hope that I'll meet some sweet new people, and be closer with the friends I already have. maybe I'll have a girlfriend, and maybe we'll be happy together. maybe God will make more sense. I wonder what I'll be doing next summer, and where I'll be living junior year (if I'm still in school). I'm interested to see how things turn out and how life turns out.

I've been thinking about the future lately. not really in detail, as in what I'll do with my life. more like how I'll live my life. and that's how I've had to make some decisions lately. I'm confronted with a choice and don't know what to do, and end up having to decide based on how I want my life to end up. when I put things in those terms, the choice usually isn't difficult. when I was deciding what to do for the summer, I was talking to a friend, and he put things in that light (but different). his take was more looking at what God wants with my life. not that I really know what God wants with my life, but thinking that way does help.

everything sounds stupid in writing.

I've also decided (again) that I won't let money control my life. it's such a small thing. I don't want to let money fears hold me back from what is good, and I think that if I really live that out, it won't hold me back. and I felt very at peace about this the other day.

last night, I fell asleep around 3:00. When I woke up, the clock was at 6:52, and I couldn't believe that I slepped straight into the next evening. it took me a few minutes to realize that was 6:52 in the morning. I have no idea why I woke up then.

I read siddhartha last week, and I was very interested with the descriptions of Buddha vs descriptions of Jesus. Buddha was described as at peace. Jesus often seems troubled. Jesus suffers. the central teachings of Buddhism are about how to end suffering. Jesus calls people to suffer. while Buddhism has its own appeals, this way of Jesus is the way I've found myself going lately: embracing the struggles and suffering and confusions. they're central to life.

everything sounds stupid in writing.