ideas ----> reality

Writing women sucks. In my stories, I feel like all my female characters are terrible and not very convincing.

Anyway, a friend of mine recently asked me how to move from ideas of God to the real thing, and I'm really glad he asked me, because it's something I'm trying to figure out. Here are two things I told him.

1) Stop thinking about what God is like, and start thinking about what he does. Yes, God is holy. Yes, God is good, but to say God is good without being able to identify what good things he does, especially in your life, is focusing on God as an abstraction and not God as a living being. So start taking some time to look at your day, at your week, at your life, and identify where God has been. Not in the sense of invention, where you arbitrarily assign action to God, just reflect and see what comes out, watch out for him during the day.

2) Change the focus of your actions from doing things for God to doing things with God. I feel like there is a lot of emphasis on sacrifice in Christianity, and its true that God requires change and sacrifice. But I wonder if this just turns into a lot of Christians with martyr complexs who are obsessed with what they can sacrifice for God. The problem is that sacrificing things for God doesn't require the presence of God. God doesn't need to be real to make sacrifices for him. Doing things with God focuses on the presence of God, and I think there's a lot more joy to joining God than killing yourself for him. My sacrifice and my love for God is never greater than God's love for me, and I'm not interested in trying to have greater love than his or to refuse the joy he's trying to bring me because I'm obsessed with sacrifice.

Also, God may not want us to make all the sacrifices we think we need to make for him or that we want to make for him. Why try to love God more than he loves you? Why throw away what God is trying to give to you?

Seek God. That's my advice. Have a nice day.

dareem

Why did Jesus leave once he came back to life? He said that if he didn't leave, the Holy Spirit wouldn't come, but I don't understand that either.

Anyway, I had a dream about a plane crash the other night. I was riding in a car, and the sky was very gray, and then there was a plane flying low, it passed by overhead. Then, when our car was passing over a bridge, I looked out into the water, and the plane had crashed and split in two, but the plane had caught on some pole, like it had been impaled over it. That's my dream.

move-e's

Movies I have watched this weekend: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Magnolia, Children of Men, No Country for Old Men. This is probably more movies than I watched all last school year. I was surprised that I liked No Country, I expected there to be a lot of violence, and there was, but there was something good about the movie too. It wasn't an action movies. Action movies don't mean anything, but this movie meant something. And, as non-sensical as it sounds, it wasn't particularly cruel violence in the movie. Violence that really disturbs me is torture and torment and people terrorizing other people, prolonged pain and cruelty. Something else that stuck out to me about the movie was that it was almost completely devoid of sexuality, an unsual absence in movies. That doesn't make it better, or worse, it is what it is.

And I saw a movie about food. I don't know what the name of it was, but it was really interesting. Here are the equations that the movie came down to: corporate farming = evil, family farming = good. Hah.

I was lying (in doors) in my friend's hammock today, and drinking coffee, and listening to Christmas music, and I noticed how much imagery is in Christmas music. This is maybe what is unique and good about a lot of Christmas music. At that same time, I learned that I like cream in my coffee. That's good to know, too.

I feel like I've been a jerk lately, and I don't like that, and I want that to change.

part 2

If love isn't loving the image of yourself in others, then the other side of it is that you don't reflect to others their own image, or what you think they will love about you. That occurred to me in the shower earlier.

Anyway, I feel like most of my interactions with people are very uncomfortable and I come away from them feeling like a failure. This is especially true when I'm in groups of people, not so much if I'm alone with someone. It feels crippling, but I don't really know what it is. Time to change, mostly because 90% of the time I'm around people, I'm in a group of them.

Here's what I think: it's hard to be around different groups of people all the time. Groups of people are manageable if they're consistent and if I know them. Groups of people are hard to manage when they are inconsistent and if I don't know them. That is what I think it is.

phone call

I was talking to an old friend on the phone tonight, and she said something that was very thought provoking. She was talking about loving people, and about how she was learning to love people for who they are instead of loving the image of herself that she saw in them. This is important. I don't want to love people because they're like me, and ignore the differences or ignore what I dislike about them. That's not love, foo. 

Love. Blah blah blah.

monkey catching

It's time to put the pieces together.

1. I want to go to India this summer.
2. New Delhi has a monkey problem.

1 + 2 = I go to India and make money as a monkey catcher in New Delhi. Foolproof.

Pros of this idea: I'm in India as a monkey catcher
Cons of this idea: none.

I feel like I had an important revelation today in class that I've forgotten now. Oops. Oh yeah, I remember. We were talking about Luther's combat model of Christianity, he viewed the Christian life very much as a battle against different evils. I don't resonate with this model. Here are two of the reasons:

1) A combat model supposes that there is an actual battle between good and evil. The problem with this is that this battle idea looks like two equal forces fighting each other, where the outcome is uncertain. But the outcome is certain. God wins in the end. He wins on this earth and he wins in me. In that sense, there is no battle, it's done with, done for. That gives me a lot of peace, to know that whatever struggles I face, it's done with. And that's not peace that makes me feel lazy or like obedience to God is unimportant. More, I think, it's peace that makes it easier for me to love. I don't believe in predestination, but I do think that it's done with.

2) I don't see Jesus viewing his own life and mission primarily as combat. God sent his son because he loved the world, not because he needed to fight against it. Jesus came to bring life, full life. When I think of Jesus, I don't think of him fighting, I think of him coming and "kissing a guilty world in love." I see his life as an embrace, not as a battle. One of the guy's in my class rightly pointed out that Jesus talks about not coming to bring peace, but a sword. But whatever division Jesus causes, whatever battle he takes part in, I see this within the context of his love and not the other way around, just like I see God's hatred of sin as secondary to his love.

Love love love, I feel like I talk about that a lot, and I'm getting a little sick of hearing myself.

A third reason: I don't view my life as a struggle against sin. Is there some such struggle? The answer is obviously yes in that I sin. But that's not how I view my day or orient my life. I try to orient it towards seeking God and joining in with God. This has been a change that has been developing for a long time, and mostly in the last year and a half. I don't feel that by not focusing on morality I've become a less moral person. And, I can definitely say that I don't freak out as much about whether or not I'm doing what's right. I don't feel guilty as much, and I think that's good. It's more about struggling towards God than trying to get away from sin, and the distinction is important.

control

So today I got the album Control by Pedro the Lion. I ordered it a week ago, and it came in the mail. I actually ordered it when I was feeling pretty down, though I don't usually think of myself as someone who buys stuff to cheer themself up. Hmm...

Anyway, I haven't listened to it yet. Why? Because I haven't had time to sit down with it and listen to the whole thing straight through. That's what I feel the album asks of me. And now I'm going to Oregon, and I'm not going to have a chance to listen to it there either.

So I'm learning control over Control. That's all.

boosk

Theology gets in the way of actually reading the Bible. The Bible also gets in the way of actually reading the Bible. More specifically, theology gets in the way of reading what a text actually says. Especially doctrine that supposes the Bible is non-contradictory. Going into things with that expectation makes it difficult to read what is really there because you're too busy trying to figure out how it fits in with the rest of the Bible and fits in with your theology or with doctrine.

When studying the Bible and discussing it with people, I think it would be a good policy to not bring in anything said in any other book of the Bible until you've decided on what a text actually says. Then you try to reconcile and piece things together. There's more integrity to it that way.

Last weekend, I was hiking with some friends and playing Desert Isle. This is the game where you say what books, movies, music, whatever you would take with you on a desert island. I realized that I wouldn't take any Christian books. I would, however, take stories. For whatever reason, books on doctrine and how to live as a Christian seem irrelevent if I'm alone, whereas stories seem always relevant. This isn't something I came at from that point of view, it's just me trying to figure out why I chose stories. Not that it's any surprise, since I mostly read stories anyway.

It's not such a bad thing. I wouldn't take either of my favorite bands--mewithoutYou, Pedro the Lion. In that setting, being alone, their music isn't as relevant either. But I still love it.

The Bible doesn't count as a Christian book. And, we said that we couldn't count it. But I think I would take it, because it's sweet.

God isn't petty (I hope)

Roughly 90% of my theology is based on the hope that God isn't petty. "You've never heard of me, but I will send you to hell anyway." Petty, very petty. Must be false. "You did wrong, now I will hurt you." Petty, must be false. This sort of revenge, in general, is petty. Revenge is petty. "You haven't been baptized, therefore you are not saved." Petty. Sending anyone to hell for anything, actually, seems ridiculously extreme. People going to hell because they essentially chose to, that makes more sense, but God actually choosing to punish someone for eternity does not make sense.

I can understand causing others suffering when there is a greater good in mind. I can understand the need to hurt someone to prevent them from hurting others. Someone is shooting a crowd of people, I can understand the use of violence to stop this. I don't know if I think it's right, but I can understand it. Sending a person into eternal punishment doesn't help anyone. No one benefits from others being in hell. Disciplining a child makes sense, to help them change. But if punishment is eternal, there is no chance to change, and it does not make sense.

luke

No, this is not a post about Luke Wilcox, this is about the Gospel of Luke.

If John is about the mystery of Christ, and Mark is about the kindness and compassion of Christ, Luke has been about the faithfulness of God, as I've been reading through it. I'm not sure if faithfuness is the right word, but here's what I mean: over and over again in Luke, people are told to not be afraid, to not worry, but to trust in God. Reading it, it's almost like what I'm hearing is "Chill out, son." Anyway, it's been really good to read through. As an aside, I've been hearing a lot lately about Peter walking on water.

I want to travel this summer. I want to get out of America and go somewhere I haven't been before, and go for a good amount of time. Summer in Seattle was good, but I don't know if I could do it again another year. I don't know where I want to go yet, maybe India, maybe somewhere in Africa, maybe Brazil. I'm really attracted to the Middle East as well, especially Iran, but I don't know if that would work out.

Another thing: I've been thinking and talking with people lately about how financial responsibility doesn't mean saving money, that it doesn't mean frugality, that financial responsibility serves as a function of a greater responsibility to follow what is good and what is part of the kingdom of God. So I've been thinking about this a lot as I think about the summer, because I have no money, and if I did I would probably need it for school. This thinking makes sense, but I'm not sure if its correct. Right now, I want to figure out if traveling is good, and move from there rather than figuring out if I have money, and moving from there. Money seems like an irrelevant obstacle for God. So if I can figure out what God wants, it's not something I have to worry about either.

Another thing: I want to travel, but I don't feel drawn to doing some sort of missions trip. Part of it is that I want freedom to move around. I think that wherever I would go, I would want to see what is going on, what ministries are there, what problems the area is facing, and maybe help out where I find a need, I just don't feel compelled to find something right now to get involved with. For some reason, I feel like a lot of my friends would judge me for this.

So, I don't know if this will come to anything. But it's on my mind for now, so I'm putting it up here.

fun!

I'm not having much fun in life. I don't do much either by myself or with friends that is actually fun. I never play games with people here. No sports. No music. And I miss that. Life without fun is just so much weight. It's not bad, just heavy.

time

I am intensely aware of time and of the impermanence of life. I am always thinking of what is coming next, and don't really like this. I think that's part of the reason I never decorate my room, because it's hard to see a point when I have to take it all down again so soon. I used to think about this a lot with relationships, I wouldn't talk to teams that came to my house much, because they were just going to leave right away. Then I changed and sometimes did. Anyway, I'd like to become less aware of time.

birds

There is a dead bird on the steps leading to my dorm. When I walked up from breakfast, I saw him there, and looked at him (or her) for a while. There was a hole straight through the side of his hide, his eyes were gone. I came up to my room and when I looked back down at the body, a crow was there pecking at it. It looked like the crow was trying to pull his head off.

That's my story.

she's so lucky, she's a star

Today, I feel very blessed with the friends and family that I have, my roommate, my floor, the communities I'm in. I was with friends watching other friends play music at a local coffee shop, and wondering how I got so lucky. Some of the music was very moving and very beautiful, like I wanted to dance. I wanted to close my eyes and listen but at the same time it was sweet just to watch them play, to watch how they look when they play music.

I was thinking about universalism today. When I think about universalism, that God might save people out of hell, it makes me feel like God is this huge ocean that I'm swimming in, that I'm immersed in. It makes me feel like I'm drowning, not in the negative sense, or the sense that I'm dying, just that there is something massive that is filling me up and up and up.

One time in high school my school's football team played against a Thai school's, and there was a kid on the other team wearing a shirt that said "God is too big for one religion." I don't know what I thought of it at the time, but it's stuck in my mind ever since. That shirt is how I feel. It's a big mistake to limit God's love and God's presence to Christianity, or to limit knowledge of God to Christianity.

Today, I also feel very interested in finding out more what the kingdom of heaven is. It's not the church, the church is just a piece. I think whatever it is, it's pretty sweet, and something that I want to be a part of, something that I hopefully am a part of already.

home

I miss waking up to the sun and getting out of bed without feeling cold. It's only bad when I wake up really sweaty because there's too much sun. I've missed home a lot lately, this quarter, and I'm really looking forward to being back even for 3 weeks and seeing everyone.