I hate liquid soap, at least the handwashing liquid soap next to sinks. Like moisturizer, I feel like it dries me out and makes my skin unhealthy.
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Sometimes I'm purposeful about not looking at certain information (peoples SSN, credit card pin numbers, passwords) in case I'm hypnotized by someone trying to harm them who could then harvest that information from the recesses of my brain.
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Most of what I've been reading so far this summer has been about how people cope when what they've built their lives on has been stripped away, whether this is God, or love, or health, or science, or virtue, or the British Raj. Several of the books have made been extremely skeptical of the ability of science, legal documents and statistics to tell truth. Unintended theme to my summer reading, but I don't mind
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
bed time
Listening to: Madonna - Die Another Day
I read this earlier today in One Hundred Years of Solitude, and it really stood out to me. I read it over three or four times:
"Ursula wondered if it was not preferable to lie down once and for all in her grave and let them throw the earth over her, and she asked God, without fear, if he really believed that people were made of iron in order to bear so many troubles and mortifications"
I'm not sure why it was so distinct to me, because this isn't a point in my life when I really feel like I'm suffering a lot, or a time that I'm really aware of how other people are suffering. Perhaps it just hit me as being true in some way, that that describes what human existence is, or at least part of it: that death is an answer to life because it signifies the end of life's persistent suffering and problems. Maybe it's just true because I have felt that desire to lie down and be done with life and done with suffering, though I feel silly saying that because I don't feel that the extent of suffering in my life is even comparable to what so many others have been through.
Which is one part of Christianity that I've been pondering recently: how we view death. Maybe my thoughts can be summed up in a question at the heart of Murakami's Norwegian Wood: is death the opposite of life? Christians speak of Jesus conquering death, and this seems very beautiful, but death itself seems beautiful to me too, and a natural part of life. Maybe what we're speaking of is that Jesus abolished death's terrors (since death is still present), and do look forward to a time when things will no longer die. The irony of this is that it's impossible for me to seriously imagine a life without death because currently, existence depends on death: the death and reproduction of cells in our own bodies and the death of everything we eat.
Sometimes I wonder what it is that is universal about human experience, what is the common bond of humanity. Often times, I think of loneliness and ignorance. Loneliness in the sense that no matter how close we are to our closest friends, lovers, acquaintances, there is and will always be a divide that prevents absolute understanding. Ignorance in the sense that humans constantly have to operate and act based on incomplete knowledge and uncertain consequences. Maybe uncertainty would be a better way of describing it than ignorance. But I suspect that suffering is another common bond of human experience.
Sometimes I think about this in the context of Jesus, that Jesus becoming human meant that he entered a life of loneliness and ignorance and uncertainty and suffering. Other times I just think the list I've acquired is true, but very sad, very dark, a bleak description of human life.
I read this earlier today in One Hundred Years of Solitude, and it really stood out to me. I read it over three or four times:
"Ursula wondered if it was not preferable to lie down once and for all in her grave and let them throw the earth over her, and she asked God, without fear, if he really believed that people were made of iron in order to bear so many troubles and mortifications"
I'm not sure why it was so distinct to me, because this isn't a point in my life when I really feel like I'm suffering a lot, or a time that I'm really aware of how other people are suffering. Perhaps it just hit me as being true in some way, that that describes what human existence is, or at least part of it: that death is an answer to life because it signifies the end of life's persistent suffering and problems. Maybe it's just true because I have felt that desire to lie down and be done with life and done with suffering, though I feel silly saying that because I don't feel that the extent of suffering in my life is even comparable to what so many others have been through.
Which is one part of Christianity that I've been pondering recently: how we view death. Maybe my thoughts can be summed up in a question at the heart of Murakami's Norwegian Wood: is death the opposite of life? Christians speak of Jesus conquering death, and this seems very beautiful, but death itself seems beautiful to me too, and a natural part of life. Maybe what we're speaking of is that Jesus abolished death's terrors (since death is still present), and do look forward to a time when things will no longer die. The irony of this is that it's impossible for me to seriously imagine a life without death because currently, existence depends on death: the death and reproduction of cells in our own bodies and the death of everything we eat.
Sometimes I wonder what it is that is universal about human experience, what is the common bond of humanity. Often times, I think of loneliness and ignorance. Loneliness in the sense that no matter how close we are to our closest friends, lovers, acquaintances, there is and will always be a divide that prevents absolute understanding. Ignorance in the sense that humans constantly have to operate and act based on incomplete knowledge and uncertain consequences. Maybe uncertainty would be a better way of describing it than ignorance. But I suspect that suffering is another common bond of human experience.
Sometimes I think about this in the context of Jesus, that Jesus becoming human meant that he entered a life of loneliness and ignorance and uncertainty and suffering. Other times I just think the list I've acquired is true, but very sad, very dark, a bleak description of human life.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
bye bye bye
About me: I've never wanted to be buff. Strong is fine, but I'd rather stay lean. No big muscles, no desire for them.
Today I saw maybe a few dozen naked people on and off bikes. This made me think of a lot of things. 1. I feel pretty comfortable supporting public nudity. 2. Bodies are sweet. Men and women bodies. I don't mean that in a sexual way, since I'm just not sexually attracted to men, but I really do appreciate bodies in general, and I'm fascinated by how they work and move. 3. It bothers me when I hear both men and women say that men's bodies are ugly, as a rule, or just not attractive. Not common to hear, maybe, but I've definitely heard that point of view, and reject it.
It's becoming harder and harder for me to understand the desire in many Christian circles to avoid certain materials because of explicit sexuality, violence, cruelty, darkness, or confusion. Perhaps I'm understanding more and more how reading or viewing those materials has helped my understanding of life, myself, God, and others, and how they've helped me to heal in some ways. I just think it's important that the stories we tell are stories about actual life, which means they touch on the dark and confusing aspects of life alongside life's goodness. Then again, some things are just trashy.
Last saturday morning I got a phone call that one of my friends had been killed in an accident. I've never had someone that close to me die before. Here's something I was talking about with one of my friends, though: it's important to not lose track of Patrick by trying to remember him. Patrick was great, and I love(d) him, but he wasn't superhuman, and trying to turn him into a superhuman figure actually reduces who he was and is just not accurate. I knew some of his darker sides, too, and love those parts of him, and I think acknowleding those aspects of him along with why he was so sweet actually honors him way more than anything else I could do. And yet...I can recognize that with death we recognize what is actually important about a person, and that the parts of Patrick that were unpleasant or annoying are just not very important in light of his death.
Happy solstice, everyone.
Today I saw maybe a few dozen naked people on and off bikes. This made me think of a lot of things. 1. I feel pretty comfortable supporting public nudity. 2. Bodies are sweet. Men and women bodies. I don't mean that in a sexual way, since I'm just not sexually attracted to men, but I really do appreciate bodies in general, and I'm fascinated by how they work and move. 3. It bothers me when I hear both men and women say that men's bodies are ugly, as a rule, or just not attractive. Not common to hear, maybe, but I've definitely heard that point of view, and reject it.
It's becoming harder and harder for me to understand the desire in many Christian circles to avoid certain materials because of explicit sexuality, violence, cruelty, darkness, or confusion. Perhaps I'm understanding more and more how reading or viewing those materials has helped my understanding of life, myself, God, and others, and how they've helped me to heal in some ways. I just think it's important that the stories we tell are stories about actual life, which means they touch on the dark and confusing aspects of life alongside life's goodness. Then again, some things are just trashy.
Last saturday morning I got a phone call that one of my friends had been killed in an accident. I've never had someone that close to me die before. Here's something I was talking about with one of my friends, though: it's important to not lose track of Patrick by trying to remember him. Patrick was great, and I love(d) him, but he wasn't superhuman, and trying to turn him into a superhuman figure actually reduces who he was and is just not accurate. I knew some of his darker sides, too, and love those parts of him, and I think acknowleding those aspects of him along with why he was so sweet actually honors him way more than anything else I could do. And yet...I can recognize that with death we recognize what is actually important about a person, and that the parts of Patrick that were unpleasant or annoying are just not very important in light of his death.
Happy solstice, everyone.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
status update
Here are some of the issues that I'm really fascinated by right now. No conclusions, just thoughts.
Humanity. I'm really fascinated with the nature of human existence, what it means to be human. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I'm fascinated with the natures of human existence, and the different experiences of existence. Basically everything else I'm thinking about right now comes back to this issue.
Economics and the Environment. I was thinking earlier today that I'm really not interested in the environment, I'm interested in how it impacts human existence, especially the way that environmental degradation leads to economic (and civilizational) downfall as well as mass violence. Similarly, I'm interested in how economics impacts the environment and, in general, just interested in getting past all the economics hype to see how the world actually works, what the real costs and benefits of everything are to the economy and to existence.
Disease/Health and the Body. Actually, it's more accurate to say that I'm interested in the idea of disease, since I'm rarely looking up diseases to see how they function on a microscopic level. I'm more interested in diseased or healthy bodies as a way of understanding human experience of life, especially as opposed to morality as a way of understanding life. I'm also fascinated with human bodies, and I don't really know how to say that, since I'm assuming that everyone else will assume I'm speaking in sexual terms, but that's really missing what I want to say. But I don't know how to say it.
The other day, I was thinking that what I'm really concerend with is way, truth, and life. And I intentionally removed the preceding the from each of those words, because I'm not concerned with finding one absolute way to live, or one absolute truth. Maybe absolute life. Whatever.
Anyway, that's some of the things that interest me right now. It's funny, though, because even though these are issues that are all important to me, I'm not wringing my hands all day trying to find out how soil degradation leads to terrorism. I'm trying to figure out my friendddds, and why I feel so restless.
Humanity. I'm really fascinated with the nature of human existence, what it means to be human. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I'm fascinated with the natures of human existence, and the different experiences of existence. Basically everything else I'm thinking about right now comes back to this issue.
Economics and the Environment. I was thinking earlier today that I'm really not interested in the environment, I'm interested in how it impacts human existence, especially the way that environmental degradation leads to economic (and civilizational) downfall as well as mass violence. Similarly, I'm interested in how economics impacts the environment and, in general, just interested in getting past all the economics hype to see how the world actually works, what the real costs and benefits of everything are to the economy and to existence.
Disease/Health and the Body. Actually, it's more accurate to say that I'm interested in the idea of disease, since I'm rarely looking up diseases to see how they function on a microscopic level. I'm more interested in diseased or healthy bodies as a way of understanding human experience of life, especially as opposed to morality as a way of understanding life. I'm also fascinated with human bodies, and I don't really know how to say that, since I'm assuming that everyone else will assume I'm speaking in sexual terms, but that's really missing what I want to say. But I don't know how to say it.
The other day, I was thinking that what I'm really concerend with is way, truth, and life. And I intentionally removed the preceding the from each of those words, because I'm not concerned with finding one absolute way to live, or one absolute truth. Maybe absolute life. Whatever.
Anyway, that's some of the things that interest me right now. It's funny, though, because even though these are issues that are all important to me, I'm not wringing my hands all day trying to find out how soil degradation leads to terrorism. I'm trying to figure out my friendddds, and why I feel so restless.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
summer
I'm nervous for my summer. I'm nervous in two ways about friends.
1. That I have too many friends in Seattle this summer
2. That I will be lonely this summer.
I think the two are related in a lot of ways, that having too many friends will either spread me thin or influence me to disconnect myself from everyone. And I'm nervous about losing touch with my friends' spirits, with what is important to them right now, and what they're going through and thinking about and trying to do with their lives, something essential about them that often just gets missed in everyday interactions.
I want to find the spirit of God this summer in ways that I haven't before, and to know my friends in better, different ways.
1. That I have too many friends in Seattle this summer
2. That I will be lonely this summer.
I think the two are related in a lot of ways, that having too many friends will either spread me thin or influence me to disconnect myself from everyone. And I'm nervous about losing touch with my friends' spirits, with what is important to them right now, and what they're going through and thinking about and trying to do with their lives, something essential about them that often just gets missed in everyday interactions.
I want to find the spirit of God this summer in ways that I haven't before, and to know my friends in better, different ways.
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