Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'll get more done, I'll have more fun
Table of Contents
1. 'On Peak Hill'
2. Sexy Conversations with Men
3. Ask me in a week
4. Risky business
5. Epilogue
1. In the last two days, I've listened to 'On Peak Hill' by Stars around 7 or 8 times. I'm not sure why. I first heard this song two years ago, when some of my friends were playing the song. They weren't my friends then, but they are now. From that time until this last week, I hadn't heard the song, had never heard Stars play it, and I'd tried to find it but had been unable to. I don't know why I've listened to it so much: the chord progression is simple, the lyrics are borderline cheesy (I thought when I first heard it that it was a joke song that they'd written). Who knowz.
2. The last week and a half there has been a lot that I've wanted to write in here, and now I can't remember most of it. I've been thinking a little bit lately about my male friends and what we talked about, and I realized that I never talk about sex or masturbation or any aspect of sexuality with my close male friends, this is how it's been all the time I've grown up, it just hasn't been a topic of conversation typically. It's really strange too, because it's really unusual, if all the guys I lived with in the dorms are any indicator of the norm. No value judgments, it is what it is, I just think it's strange, and dont really know how it ended up that way.
3. I've been thinking about liking things lately. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to say whether or not I like something--an event, a person, a book, a movie--I don't even know what that question is asking really, and sometimes I get really antsy when people ask me, or I suspect that they will soon ask me, whether I like something. I think sometimes I'm just antsy because I'm forced to formulate an opinion before I'm ready to, or forced to express what I know is an unbalanced view. I was always really frustrated when people would ask me if I liked my brother's girlfriends, because I usually didn't know them very well, hadn't spent much time with them, and didnt feel qualified to say whether or not I liked them or not. I just don't think it's a fair question. With books and movies, I like to be asked about them maybe a week or a month after I'm done with them. Maybe what frustrates me is that it tends to be too simplistic, that it asks me to choose either/or, when very few things in life are either/or for me.
4. What I want for my conversations with people is to say things that I am slightly nervous about saying, and to ask things that I am slightly nervous about asking, and having the same in return from whom I'm talking to. Not necessarily "deep" conversations, because those can just end up being oppressive, more like things that people are nervous about saying for whatever reason. I just want to ask the things I actually care about and the things I actually want to know. Just not in a way that is invasive or creepy or that pushes people away, because I know there have been times when people, strangers especially, have asked me those questions, I've just wanted to get the hell away from them. I'm just tired of low-risk conversations and questions, even though they are very well-intentioned, and are probably out of desperation from not knowing what to say or what to ask. Obviously, the implication is that I need to start doing this as well.
5. The moral of this post is that vegetables left in the fridge for too long will go bad.
1. 'On Peak Hill'
2. Sexy Conversations with Men
3. Ask me in a week
4. Risky business
5. Epilogue
1. In the last two days, I've listened to 'On Peak Hill' by Stars around 7 or 8 times. I'm not sure why. I first heard this song two years ago, when some of my friends were playing the song. They weren't my friends then, but they are now. From that time until this last week, I hadn't heard the song, had never heard Stars play it, and I'd tried to find it but had been unable to. I don't know why I've listened to it so much: the chord progression is simple, the lyrics are borderline cheesy (I thought when I first heard it that it was a joke song that they'd written). Who knowz.
2. The last week and a half there has been a lot that I've wanted to write in here, and now I can't remember most of it. I've been thinking a little bit lately about my male friends and what we talked about, and I realized that I never talk about sex or masturbation or any aspect of sexuality with my close male friends, this is how it's been all the time I've grown up, it just hasn't been a topic of conversation typically. It's really strange too, because it's really unusual, if all the guys I lived with in the dorms are any indicator of the norm. No value judgments, it is what it is, I just think it's strange, and dont really know how it ended up that way.
3. I've been thinking about liking things lately. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to say whether or not I like something--an event, a person, a book, a movie--I don't even know what that question is asking really, and sometimes I get really antsy when people ask me, or I suspect that they will soon ask me, whether I like something. I think sometimes I'm just antsy because I'm forced to formulate an opinion before I'm ready to, or forced to express what I know is an unbalanced view. I was always really frustrated when people would ask me if I liked my brother's girlfriends, because I usually didn't know them very well, hadn't spent much time with them, and didnt feel qualified to say whether or not I liked them or not. I just don't think it's a fair question. With books and movies, I like to be asked about them maybe a week or a month after I'm done with them. Maybe what frustrates me is that it tends to be too simplistic, that it asks me to choose either/or, when very few things in life are either/or for me.
4. What I want for my conversations with people is to say things that I am slightly nervous about saying, and to ask things that I am slightly nervous about asking, and having the same in return from whom I'm talking to. Not necessarily "deep" conversations, because those can just end up being oppressive, more like things that people are nervous about saying for whatever reason. I just want to ask the things I actually care about and the things I actually want to know. Just not in a way that is invasive or creepy or that pushes people away, because I know there have been times when people, strangers especially, have asked me those questions, I've just wanted to get the hell away from them. I'm just tired of low-risk conversations and questions, even though they are very well-intentioned, and are probably out of desperation from not knowing what to say or what to ask. Obviously, the implication is that I need to start doing this as well.
5. The moral of this post is that vegetables left in the fridge for too long will go bad.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
domestics
Right now I am sitting at Fuel Coffee and drinking an iced chai. I realized after I got this that most of the drink was going to be ice, and felt a little cheated, but I guess I can't complain.
I just moved into the house that I'll be living in for the next year, and it's all very exciting. I haven't slept in the same place twice yet (probably because I've only been there three nights). It's also funny to me that I've been there three nights, and we've already had 4 guests sleep over. I'm excited to be within walking distance of 45th and of my friends and everything else in the area. I have felt very mundane lately, like my life is taken up with common problems and common activities, domestic activities, and less with existential concerns. I'm fine with that. I feel like being boring for a while.
Incidentally, I feel pretty committed to making myself good meals, and taking the time to eat properly instead of trying to double task. I have been thinking lately about time, and being busy, and about how I feel good about this next year being busy. Here's why: the busier I get, the more I'm able to figure out what I actually want to spend my time doing and the more I can enjoy that time. Concentrate on studying when I'm studying, playing music when I'm playing music, talking when I'm talking, sitting when I'm sitting. You get the idea.
With my stomach messed up for the moment, it's been strange having to tell people why I can't bike, or lift boxes, or move furniture, or a variety of other activities. It's been weird having so many people, especially people at work, frequently asking for updates on my body. I don't really like this, I think it's one of the reasons that I don't mention my problems more to people, because they tend to bring them up too often. Once every two weeks, or a month, is probably a good amount of time. But anyway, it is important for my bosses to ask me, since it changes what work I can do, I just don't like it, though having to tell people about my problems is probably good in some way.
I just moved into the house that I'll be living in for the next year, and it's all very exciting. I haven't slept in the same place twice yet (probably because I've only been there three nights). It's also funny to me that I've been there three nights, and we've already had 4 guests sleep over. I'm excited to be within walking distance of 45th and of my friends and everything else in the area. I have felt very mundane lately, like my life is taken up with common problems and common activities, domestic activities, and less with existential concerns. I'm fine with that. I feel like being boring for a while.
Incidentally, I feel pretty committed to making myself good meals, and taking the time to eat properly instead of trying to double task. I have been thinking lately about time, and being busy, and about how I feel good about this next year being busy. Here's why: the busier I get, the more I'm able to figure out what I actually want to spend my time doing and the more I can enjoy that time. Concentrate on studying when I'm studying, playing music when I'm playing music, talking when I'm talking, sitting when I'm sitting. You get the idea.
With my stomach messed up for the moment, it's been strange having to tell people why I can't bike, or lift boxes, or move furniture, or a variety of other activities. It's been weird having so many people, especially people at work, frequently asking for updates on my body. I don't really like this, I think it's one of the reasons that I don't mention my problems more to people, because they tend to bring them up too often. Once every two weeks, or a month, is probably a good amount of time. But anyway, it is important for my bosses to ask me, since it changes what work I can do, I just don't like it, though having to tell people about my problems is probably good in some way.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
obstacles
I feel very discouraged about life right now.
On to other things. What I've been realizing about myself lately: In many different contexts, I view people as obstacles that slow me down and prevent me from accomplishing what I want to, or accomplishing what I want to with a lower quality product. And, in a lot of cases, I think that it's true, that there are a lot of things I would do faster, better, and with more enjoyment if I were by myself. But I don't want to view people as obstacles.
I've also been conscious lately of how little people care about a lot of what I care about or that is meaningful to me, especially my memories and my stories, but also interests in fiction and in history and God. In other words, a lot of what I am interested in talking about seems to just bore or confuse my friends.
Here are recent reflections on prayer from someone who hasn't been praying much lately (or have I? hmmm). I've been thinking lately about the faithlessness of prayer. As in, sometimes when people pray it is really a demonstration of their lack of faith in God, rather than their faith in him. Prayer is used in this way like magic, like saying the words in the spell will achieve the required result. It's not actually engaging a living being and asking for a response (or asking for no response). The more I go on, the longer I recognize this in myself, that sometimes what I need to do to really trust God is to not pray in the way that I have been shown to pray, to not pray with words, whether outloud or silently, but to keep moving forward and trust that God is already present and active. I am against Christian superstition and Christian karma, which is what I think a lot of my understanding of God and his interaction with me has been.
tired tired tired
On to other things. What I've been realizing about myself lately: In many different contexts, I view people as obstacles that slow me down and prevent me from accomplishing what I want to, or accomplishing what I want to with a lower quality product. And, in a lot of cases, I think that it's true, that there are a lot of things I would do faster, better, and with more enjoyment if I were by myself. But I don't want to view people as obstacles.
I've also been conscious lately of how little people care about a lot of what I care about or that is meaningful to me, especially my memories and my stories, but also interests in fiction and in history and God. In other words, a lot of what I am interested in talking about seems to just bore or confuse my friends.
Here are recent reflections on prayer from someone who hasn't been praying much lately (or have I? hmmm). I've been thinking lately about the faithlessness of prayer. As in, sometimes when people pray it is really a demonstration of their lack of faith in God, rather than their faith in him. Prayer is used in this way like magic, like saying the words in the spell will achieve the required result. It's not actually engaging a living being and asking for a response (or asking for no response). The more I go on, the longer I recognize this in myself, that sometimes what I need to do to really trust God is to not pray in the way that I have been shown to pray, to not pray with words, whether outloud or silently, but to keep moving forward and trust that God is already present and active. I am against Christian superstition and Christian karma, which is what I think a lot of my understanding of God and his interaction with me has been.
tired tired tired
Thursday, August 7, 2008
time can move so slowly, and time can do so much
I have five weeks until my school life begins. This is sort of a strange feeling, because I thought I had more time left than that, and just that that much time has passed since school was out. I feel like it's cliche to talk about how fast time passes, so I won't.
What do I want to do with the rest of my life? That is something that I have been thinking about this summer. Do I want to write literary criticism and teach literature? Do I want to teach creative writing? Write fiction? Write poetry? Research and teach history? Translate? Play music? Pastor? Travel? Interview? All of the above? Who knows. I don't know if it's very important to try to figure all of that out right now. I think I try to do too much though, too many interests. Myers-Briggs would probably explain it.
I don't want to farm. Some people are really attracted to the idea of growing their own food, it really moves them. I'm not. I don't have a romantic view of farming or of farmers (except Tim). I try to avoid sentimentality, and that's what it often feels like to me. I will probably be in the first wave of people to die once nuclear holocaust strikes and all the people in the cities are forced out in the country to find and grow their own food. I'm just not suited for apocalyptic living.
I know that I am interested in being away from America, in warm, urban areas, and writing, and that the 2004 tsunami fascinates me and might be something that I keep going back to for the rest of my life.
What do I want to do with the rest of my life? That is something that I have been thinking about this summer. Do I want to write literary criticism and teach literature? Do I want to teach creative writing? Write fiction? Write poetry? Research and teach history? Translate? Play music? Pastor? Travel? Interview? All of the above? Who knows. I don't know if it's very important to try to figure all of that out right now. I think I try to do too much though, too many interests. Myers-Briggs would probably explain it.
I don't want to farm. Some people are really attracted to the idea of growing their own food, it really moves them. I'm not. I don't have a romantic view of farming or of farmers (except Tim). I try to avoid sentimentality, and that's what it often feels like to me. I will probably be in the first wave of people to die once nuclear holocaust strikes and all the people in the cities are forced out in the country to find and grow their own food. I'm just not suited for apocalyptic living.
I know that I am interested in being away from America, in warm, urban areas, and writing, and that the 2004 tsunami fascinates me and might be something that I keep going back to for the rest of my life.
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