need

A few nights ago I was at a jazz show at New Horizons, and I was reading displays on the wall. One of them was about a kid that had died young--18--and something said there stuck with me, which was basically that some people wait and wait to do the things they need to in life, but this guy didn't. And that made me think about me, and how I want to do what I need to do. Now. Not wait for a better time, because there probably will never be a better time. The problem is, I don't necessarily know what I need to do, but here are a few thoughts.

1. Write. I don't know why, but when I think about dying soon (and it could happen, you never know), I feel like I need to write a lot. Maybe it's just that I feel this desperate need to be remembered, which is possible, but another part of me thinks that's a dumb theory and it just means that if I died without writing a lot more than I've written, I would feel like I missed out on what I needed to do.

2. Live honestly. I don't want there to be a disconnect between what I think is right and good and how I live. I don't want there to be a disconnect between who I am and how I act, or the image I create for myself (well, maybe in some ways). And, while I don't think of myself as a liar or someone who lies regularly, honesty isn't just sticking to the facts. I think it's fully possible for everything I say to be true, in the sense that it is factually correct, but still completely false. Similarly, I think it's easily possible to say completely false things (in the sense of facts) that are absolutely honest. So it's going for honesty beyond mere facts, maybe an existential and personal honesty.

I feel like I should include some sort of God thing, but it would be fake and forced, so I won't. I hope that God is a central enough part of my life that what I need to do involves him, but I'll figure it out when I figure it out, and the other two are involved with God in their own ways.

I was just thinking about how I haven't apologized to anyone in a long time, real apology where I've completely screwed up and where it's difficult and terrifying and embarassing. Actually, that's not quite true, there have been a few times. Overall at SPU though, it's been rare. I don't attribute this to me being a great person, I attribute it to me not being fully connected and engaged in peoples lives to the point that I can hurt them badly (and realize it). It could also be that I'm not as guilt-controlled and paranoid as I used to be. Probably both. The one, I think, is bad. The other, good. Then again, I suspect that I hurt people often and I'm either unaware about it or unsure about it. Sometimes I sense it, but my senses aren't always good. I have a habit of assuming that if someone's upset, it's about me, and that's dumb, it's so self-centered.

Yup.