more on money

I was talking with some friends tonight, and here's something we talked about that I've had on my mind for a while. It has to do with money, and with giving. Over Christmas, I looked at my CD case and decided that I was going to give a friend of mine some CDs that I hadn't listened to in a long time. So I did. One sad part about it was that even two years ago I was thinking of giving him one of the CDs, and I didn't, and I really haven't listened to it in the last two years. But as I was giving them to him, I knew the giving wasn't really significant. It's not significant that I give my friend CDs I don't want or listen to anymore. It's significant when I give away my favorite CD, when I give away my favorite book. At the same time, I think guilt is bullshit, and I realize that it is a step towards where I want to be, and that I'm on the way to where I want to be and what is good.

Also, it won't even be significant just that I give away what is most dear to me and what I want to keep the most, what's significant is when I do that and I want to do it, and I do it because I love the person I'm giving to and want them to be as happy with what I'm giving them as I've been. Contrary to C.S. Lewis, I don't think that "pretending"--doing what you know is right even when you're not quite there--is the right answer (though I think there's some truth to the idea). People won't change when they do what they should do out of guilt. That isn't real change and I don't know that it leads to real change. People change when they do something out of joy and love (too abstract). Then again, you might say that you won't give out of love until you've already been changed. Both are true.

I won't guilt myself into changing, because that isn't love, and it isn't God. That is what I believe.

Here's another question that I was kicking around: is it okay to buy something just because I want it and would enjoy it? When I think about this in terms of God and myself, it seems obvious that this is fine. What father would give his son a snake when they ask for a fish and all that. But then again, what father would give his son a fish when that son is well fed and when his daughter is starving? When I think about myself in terms of humanity, the question becomes trickier (but intuition tells me that it is okay, for whatever that's worth).

Change of scenery.

I want to learn, to understand what I'm studying and be excited it about it. Something that's really important to me is that I start asking more questions in class. I did this a lot in high school, but almost never in college. I'm not sure why. And I want to ask real questions, not just correct teachers when they accidentally say A instead of B, or ask a question to sound smart. Letting yourself ask what may be simple and stupid questions is an important part of actually learning.