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I feel very broke up right now. By life. It's very strange though, it's like at the same time that I feel broke up and confused and frustrated, there's something like God that runs deeper and that makes things seem okay. Not okay, but the feeling that things will be okay. It's not optimism, it's not something I'm just thinking or telling myself, just something that I sense, even when I feel very weary and bitter and useless. Whatever.

It wasn't until last year that I wanted Jesus to come back, and for everything to be right. But I really do now. There's nothing I have to do now that I wouldn't trade for that. I have no reasons now for Jesus to wait. Not that I really did before, it's just a change in desire, or perspective, not reality. I want things to be new, and right, and good.

I realized tonight that I've been away from doubt for quite a while. This was strange for me to realize, because doubt has been a central part of my journey with God so far, and tonight I wanted to return to that, and I didn't know if it was good or not that I was away for it for now. With God, the more analytic part of my brain has been turned off for a while, for better and worse. It will come back. Inevitably, it will be different than it was before, and that's good. I feel like my times of doubt weren't balanced out before by......experience of God, and now it is more so. Maybe I've been giving God too much slack lately, letting him off the hook a bit. Whatever.

"God hates sinners just the way they are." That's what a street preacher's sign said, that I saw yesterday. I felt humiliated, especially that people from my religion were preaching hate, and being hateful, where the Buddhist monks at the peace rally that I was at were preaching love and peace. Not that I would expect Buddhist monks to preach hate, because I wouldn't, but it's embarassing to me that something which should be focusing around God's great love ends up being about hate. At that moment, I would have much rather been identified with the Buddhists. Maybe Jesus felt the same way, though it's a big thing to speak for Jesus. God loves everyone.

I can't tell more than a few people the same thing in a day, or a short time period. Not anything that's really important to me. It's interesting for me to realize what things are important, that no one would guess were important to me, by whether or not I feel hesitant to talk about them because if I do it's like spreading myself out too much. That's how I feel about the dream I had last night, even though I've only talked about it 3 times today. But I'm gonna write it on here anyway.

So I was making out with this girl. I don't think she actually exists, but in my dream her name was Becky (though I kept forgetting, and thinking her name was Anne). Anyway, we made out, and did again the next night. Then for whatever reason, I decided that was a bad idea, and said we couldn't anymore. She got pissed and told her parents, who ended up being Les and Leslie Parrot (two professors here at SPU, not sure if that's how their last name is spelled, but it fits). Then her mom ended up coming up to me with a list of classes that I should take from her (like it was a threat, and these classes were punishment for giving her daughter the cold shoulder,) there was one that was something like "psychology and despair" that I thought actually sounded interesting. One of the guys on my floor confronted me about Becky, and asked if we had sex. And I told him no. That's about all that happened in the dream. Facebook also shut down because it ripped off of other sites, and I crashed my bike when the dirt road I was riding on dropped off into water. One of my rims was bent by the fall.

Listening to Death Cab right now, and it's yummy, and I'm going to bed.