I realized today why it's very hard for me to pray.
When I pray, I become incredibly aware of my own suffering, the suffering of others, and the suffering of the world. The amount of suffering and pain and problems in the world is overwhelming, and when I pray, I feel overwhelmed. Soon after this, I saw a friend of mine, and told her what I'd figured out. She said, "Well isn't that the point, to give those things up to God?" And I think she's right, except that doesn't happen for me. I don't feel free and at peace after praying, usually. Often times, I feel worse and maybe more confused than when I started. When I pray, I feel like I need to enter into this great suffering, and I can't, I'm not enough for it.
When I pray, I'm not as struck by God's goodness as I am by humanity's pain.
But I think that I have to, that I have to enter into the suffering of others and the world and myself. When I'm face to face with one of my friends who is suffering, as happened today, I realize that I need to, that it's not enough to coast, to avoid prayer just because its incredibly difficult.
1 comment:
did you write that you need to avoid suffering because it's incredibly difficult? that doesn't make sense. did i miss something?
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