I'm tired of life right now. It's difficult for me to imagine how tired I will feel when I am old (if I live that long). If, at 20 (and it began a long time ago), I can feel tired of life, I imagine that at 60 or 80 the weight of life will be crushing. I'm ready for things to end. It's not that there's any danger of me taking my own life, there's not, it's just that if everything finished tomorrow, or tonight as I write this, I wouldn't mind. Of course there are things that I want to do still in life, but I wouldn't mind if Jesus was here.
Here's why I'm tired: I'm tired of failing at life. And lately I've felt a lot that I'm failing at life. I'm not who I want to be. I don't mean that in a moral sense, that's a very minor part of it, I mostly mean in a relational sense, that I can't function the way I want to, that I don't have the freedom that I want around people. Every once in a while I get in that groove, and interacting with people is sweet, but a lot of the time it's just difficult and I sit there praying for Jesus to help me. Sometimes, then, I continue to fail at life and sometimes I continue to fail then at the end something sweet and confusing happens.
Here's what also makes me tired: I'm tired of my own arrogance and intolerance. Who I am intolerant of? Tonight, I'm thinking mostly of theologically conservative people who have a different understanding of the Bible. I have, or can have, an incredibly difficult time being around them or having a conversation about the Book or theology with them. Maybe because I feel like they are often intolerant and arrogant, and suspect that they think what I believe is heretical. The sad thing is that I'm probably just as dogmatic as they are. The irony is that I know being right is less important than love, I just can't always live that out with some people. Sorry for the stereotyping and lumping a diverse group of people together, many of whom have positively influenced my life and faith and have loved me. I don't like to feel violent, but sometimes I feel violent around people because of their beliefs. Verbally or intellectually or emotionally violent, not physically.
That's about it.
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2 comments:
yeah man, just get stoked on God. everything's rockin from there
i know what you mean with the relationships. they can be hard. actually they're almost always hard. but thats great because when you work hard at something the results of it are always more satisfying. also, everyone is cool. even if they don't seem like it at first, everyone is cool. so get to know everyone.
okay, i realise that the first part of that is pretty lamely put. i don't know how to put it. basically, God is the only thing that you should pay attention to, everything else is unworthy. but when you honour God with all that you have the rest seems so much more alive and worthwhile and that. don't take life too seriously, kick back and have a good time with what you're doing. which is easier said that done, but do it.
study the parable of the talents in matthew. think of the talents as opportunities. be the one that uses the talents, not digs them.
don't not change. the Holy Spirit is change. you've gotta change. don't be afraid of change, be cool with it. and live your life well, don't waste time doing worthless stuff, or not doing worthy stuff. because God rocks, and God's your master. and your Master is your best friend. and best friends rock. God's real, bro. God isn't just a spirit. God isn't just an idea, or a religion, or goodness. God's totally real, but you gotta be cool with that.
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