ignorance

I don't even know how to follow God. I will probably be saying this my whole life. And, I wish sometimes that God would just speak and tell me things as clearly as a human would. But maybe if he did he would get annoying. Not so much annoying as overwhelming. Maybe that there is the exact reason that I don't feel God's guidance more, because I'm not really ready to be overwhelmed. Oh well, I'm headed that way.

Except I do feel God's guidance, at times, and see it in my life, day to day. At least I think it's God's guidance. I guess it's okay to primarily be in touch with the sneaky, subtle side of God as opposed to the explicit side.

My whole life, I will probably struggle with knowing how to pray as well. Prayer isn't very appealing when it makes you feel rotten. Not rotten in the sense of feeling rotten about "sin in my life" or something like that, but rotten in the sense that I don't know how to pray, and feel overwhelmed with the immensity of communication with God, and that all my communications are corrupted and inadequate. A lot of times when I pray, I feel like I'm missing the point, like I'm insulting God one way or another.

Reading and writing is usually how I relax, it's interesting to be back in school where reading and writing are what I do for work. Reading and writing to relax isn't as effective. I go on more walks. I almost never went on walks at night during the summer, and maybe that's why.