bitte

Tonight at church, I realized that I feel bitter against God for not helping me out more, for not guiding me, for not speaking to me. I'm tired of asking God for help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling confused.

And, actually, it's not so much that I feel that God doesn't help me, because I think he does. He just helps me without speaking to me. He helps me without eliminating confusion.

I'm tired, really, of asking God for help. Sometimes I wonder if constantly asking God for help is just a sign that I don't actually trust him. That if I did, I could just move and act while knowing that if I was doing something against what God wanted, he would stop me.

Right now, if I'm not following "God's plan", I blame God and not myself. That's how I feel. Because I seek after him and he doesn't speak to me, so why should he expect me to follow him well?