control

I feel out of control. Not in the sense that I'm doing crazy shit, more in the sense that I'm wobbling around. I'm not sure why, I think a lot of it is feeling disconnected from God, but I don't know how to fix that problem. I guess prayer is the easy answer, and I want to do more of that, but even when I do pray, it seems very empty. And I don't want to just think of prayer as time spent trying to talk to God. That feels too simplistic to me, and I think it's not what will help me right now.

Anyway, I feel very useless to people right now. I don't want most people to ask how I'm doing, so I purposely avoid a lot of interactions and avoid asking other people how they're doing, becasuse I don't want them to do the same for me.

I feel discontent with church right now, too. One of the reasons that I like Scum is that it's small, but the truth is that I'm not connected to the people at Scum significantly more than I would be at a mega church. Sometimes I want to just start my own, to start meeting with the people that I care about and whose lives I'm involved with. Not a small group though, small group has a lot of gross connotations, for me at least. It makes me think of accountability groups, which I want no part of and which I think miss the point.

I don't know why, but when I think of accountability, it makes me angry. So does the idea of having a "quiet time." Something in me feels very resentful towards those things, and wants no part in them, and wants no part in a lot of the dialogue that seems important to many Christians. I don't really want to talk about morality, unless it's in the context of how much of a failure morality is. I don't know what I want to talk about.