there are no levels

I think I will have to go on a pilgrimage one day. Maybe not the shrine-and-relic-and-holy-place-visiting sort of pilgrimage, but religious in its own way. Not necessarily religious, just life-ish. When I think of a pilgrimage, I usually think of going some place by myself, usually in Asia, and wandering around.

Too bad that money sucks. It's hard to think of a time in my life when I'll be able to go on such a pilgrimage, because I would like it to be for an extended period of time, maybe a year, maybe more. Maybe just a summer. The next few years seem pretty out, since I'll be in school. And, over the summers, I'll probably need to make money for school. Then once I'm out of school, I'll have to pay off my loans. Then once my loans are paid off...maybe then. I'm obviously feeling pessimistic about the whole thing right now. I'll probably just have to screw it all at some point, and leave. Maybe I can find a job that will let me wander around basically doing what I want. Time to start writing.

I was thinking today about how practical the English major is. There seem to be some naysayers who think otherwise. But we make sense of our lives through stories and interpretations. Stories that we tell ourselves, stories made up of our lives, and the interpretations of those stories. Stories and interpretation are basically what English comes down to. And writing. Writing is pretty integral to the major, too.

Today I went on my mini-pilgrimage, and walked around a lake. As I was walking, I wondered if knowing God, closeness to God, is something like closeness to other humans, where it can't be forced. In other words, I can want closeness to God, but I can't make it happen. It will happen on it's own time (God's time, perhaps?). This makes the whole thing seem rather passive, but I don't see it that way. It's still about movement, but about graceful movement rather than forceful movement.

But, that whole idea seems to fly in the face of what I'm told of, which is that there should be this great desperation and seeking after God. And there should be. I guess I'm not convinced that it comes through "spiritual disciplines" (although I would probably support most spiritual disciplines, just not as disciplines). This seems to match my experience, where regular Bible study and prayer don't necesarrily "do" anything. That's more true with Bible study than with prayer, I suppose. Sometimes I feel like I just become more miserable the more I read the Bible and pray.

Right now, that isn't true with the Bible. I've been reading through Mark, and seeing this beautiful side of Jesus there that I hadn't noticed before. If John's gospel is, to me, about the mystery of Jesus, Mark's gospel is coming to be about the kindness and intimacy of Jesus. The miracles, the solitary times and times where Jesus took people away from the crowds to a private place. And, when Jesus taught people that found him when he was trying to get away. That is one of the moments in the gospels when I see just how kind Jesus was (is).

And prayer? Often, I just become miserable when I try to pray, because it always seems like I should be "doing" something else. Jesus tells us to take our requests to God. Then I do and feel so self-centered, and like I should be listening. Then I try to listen and it's very hard. Sometimes, thanking God for what's in my life is all I can do (and I think I end up feeling gross about that too). Giving thanks is good.

I want intimacy (which seems, right now, like such a simpering word) with God. But I don't know what I need to do to get that. Maybe the point is that I can't really do anything, that there's nothing I can force, there is no system to follow. There is step, and step, and step, and movement towards something closer and closer, and God shows me step, by step, by step, and there's nothing I have to worry about except that I listen and seek and follow step step step. Not steps like a 12 step ladder where at the end I reach the top, maybe there is no tangible end point, a lot of it has to do with who I'm walking near and with. Jesus is the way, and that way seems more like an incessant journey that meanders all around more than it does a computer game where you level up until you reach the highest level. There are no levels here. There are no steps.

Recently, I was churching it up, and the church was separated into groups to talk with each other. One of the questions we discussed is how religion is keeping us from God. I answered that it was ceremony. Things done that aren't bad in themselves (like reading the good book, or praying), they may be really good things, but the ceremony destroys the reality. I want the real thing, the one that surprises me, not the puppet that I twist and pull and predict.

Don't worry, God's not a puppet.

So there are a few answers. Here's two. One, is that disciplines fail me because I am undisciplined and don't follow them. That's a definite possibility. The other is that the disciplines themselves are worthless without the pureness of heart (not quite the term I'm looking for, but it will do for now) that creates "discipline" in the first place. And once that pureness is there, discipline isn't really important, because it will lead you to what you should do anyhow. Jesus was talking about something different, but maybe it was the same idea when he said to seek the kingdom of God first, and the rest will fall into place.

Seek God, not goodness. Seek God, not discipline. Seek God, that's it.