God is sneaky

Waiting for things to end is a bad place to be, and not where I want to be. Yep, this summer is the summer of waiting, it's been on my mind a lot. It seems like a lot of life is just waiting for things to happen. That's dumb.

In my life, when I stop trying, or when I'm not trying, is usually when things happen. It's more like "Stop knocking and the door will open". Discouraging sometimes, but mostly it just baffles me. I start to adopt a very passive attitude towards life. But actually, I think the point isn't passivity, but receptivity. It isn't not trying, it's flowing. It's not inaction, it's flexibility, bending to things that are outside my control or letting other things bend and grow the way they want to. Letting go, in the best way possible.

I have a lot of empathy for people who feel controlled by forces outside of their control, because that's often how I feel. Not just controlled, but also treated very kindly. God is sneaky.

Along the lines of God's control and planning: sometimes when I wonder in my life what God's will is, I stress. Or I'll be faced with a decision and wonder what I'm supposed to do, and stress. Then I was thinking the other night about how funny and arrogant that is. Like I'm big enough to eff with God's plans. More importantly, the stress over my ignorance of what God wants shows a distinct lack of trust in God, like he'll let me slip up when I want to do what he wants (or at least that's what I tell him). Then again, I slip up all the time. Ugh, I wish that stumble wasn't such a cliche verb because of Christian lingo, because it really could be a powerful word and powerful metaphor, and probably was at some point.

I'm not as interested right now in surrendering or submitting my life to God as I am in union with God. Joining into God. Meeting God. I'd rather know God and love him and give over my life to him because of that than try to give my life over to someone I don't know and don't love, hoping that through the sacrifice I'll learn to love. I think I've tried that with God, and it didn't work, and it just caused anxiety, a bad sort of anxiety and not a good sort of anxiety. It wasn't about God, it was about being good. But love is better than being good. And knowing/loving God is more important than being good. Love first.

I want to move the way that God moves, and that image makes me feel peaceful.