Current status: watching girls in windows on other side of dorm. This is the first time I have. And no, nothing exciting or embarassing is going on. I was on the phone for an interview a few months ago, and one of the questions was: 'how would your closest friends describe you?' The first word I said was creepy. I decided afterwards that wasn't very accurate, and that a lot of people that knew me (but not well) would describe me as creepy, but my closest friends wouldn't. I guess I can be creepy, but it's intentional, which I think takes away from the actual creepiness.
Hm...the wind just picked up, and there's a bad smell on the wind.
Less creepy: I feel like I have no time to listen to music these days. This isn't good. I think that music is an important part of life and that I should take the time to listen to good music. I already feel this great pressure to fill my time up, because I don't have much. This is good and bad. Good because I will hopefully fill my time with good things. Bad because I will probably burn out if I fill up all my time with doing things. I think music might be an important part of this quarter for me, in the way that stories and poetry might be at other times. Right now, stories and poetry are part of my work, so they're not as good for getting time away to do what I really enjoy. I don't know if that's true, but it is different. But music isn't something I have to do right now, listening or playing.
I've felt a great longing for intimacy lately. I thought I was just feeling horny (a word I don't like, oh well) but decided that wasn't it: I've been thinking about sex, but not the physical pleasure of it, more the closeness and nakedness. This is showing up in my poetry. Sometimes its strange to be around 13 or 14 year olds who've had sex (which feels like such a clumsy term), when I haven't. That would probably be weird for them too, if they knew. Incidentally, I read a sweet poem about sex and intimacy and loneliness today ("Privilege of Being" by Robert Hass). Here are a few lines:
I woke up feeling so sad this morning because I realized
that you could not, as much as I love you,
dear heart, cure my loneliness
I think that this is the deep grief that accompanies loneliness, that no human relationship can create total one-ness. On the other hand, this truth creates a great freedom within relationship, freedom to free others from curing you (they won't, they can't).
"
2 comments:
I hear you with the "closeness and nakedness" thing. I've definitely felt that way. Oh Alex, how I wish you were my SMC.
i think i'm the same way, with creepiness. or i used to be, at least. people would think i was creepy if they didn't know me better. and i've never really had close friends so i guess the list of people that thought i was creepy was long. or maybe im still that way, but i dont think so. not that it was a bad thing or a bad way to be.
by intimacy you mean sexual intimacy? i've definitely felt that way, too.
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