invitation

When I'm with people, I don't feel a sense of belonging until I think that I would be missed if I were absent. So then, when I don't feel like I'd be missed, when I feel irrelevant, the temptation has been to disconnect. I think it's both because I hate being where I don't belong and because I want to see if it's true or not, whether I'm irrelevant or not. I don't think that's healthy, but it is what it is. Maybe that's how I think of friendship, as well: friendship means that when we're not around eachother, we miss one another. That we become friends when we hit the point that once we're apart, we'll miss eachother.

The trouble with this (and maybe most things in life) is that I can't see clearly, and I can go a long time wondering whether people actually like me or like being around me. That has to do some with invitation, though, a lot of times I feel out of place if I feel uninvited, and feel insecure in friendships and relationships if I feel univited. I don't know if that's healthy, either, but it is what it is.

My beard's growing in pretty nice. Still patchier than I would like, but okay. It's different everytime I grow it out, probably because I only shave it rarely and I'm still a growing boy with changing hair patterns.

Yesterday, I don't think I went into a bathroom until about 13 hours after I got up. I realized it because when I went into the bathroom I looked into the mirror, and it was weird to see my face.