drain

I'm glad that I decided to live alone. Being around people all day, either at work or with friends, is exhausting. It's nice to have a place to come back to where I won't be disturbed.

But I like to be alone with other people, too, and I don't feel like I really get to have that time often. That was a big adjustment moving over from Thailand, maybe something I'm still adjusting to. I spent a lot of time alone with people. Here, most of my time with other people is spent in groups. It's really nice to have the group dynamic here that wasn't easy to accomplish in Thailand, but it's really nice to have the close time that isn't really available here. Actually, that's not true, it just requires a whole lot more work (intention!) than I've been used to in my life. It's been good for me, it's been good to have more public relationships and more interaction with people in big gorups, but it's hard.

I hate leaving messages on peoples phones. Mostly, maybe only, if it has to do with a plan, like hanging out with someone. It just makes me feel dumb. There's something very embarassing to me about making plans, and telling people about those plans, then having those plans fall through. It's not just embarassing if other people know, it's sometimes embarassing if just I'm aware of what I planned to do. Sometimes that's because my plans were dumb or wrong, but I think sometimes I just feel...naive, like I had such hope but where did it get me in the end?

Tonight, the 4th of July, I was looking around at the people I was with, and thinking that last year at this time, I never expected to be with the people I was with. Probably because I knew almost none of them. It makes me wonder where I'll be next year, who I'll be with, how I'll change. Well, I guess I'll find out next year. I feel drained, and I'm going to sleep now.