shaving

my discovery today: c-store razors suck. actually, it seems like I've found that out before, and just forgot and bought another one. and really, it's probably just me not shaving very often, and so the hair gets long and hard to cut with a razor. eww...I just touched my chin and when I looked at my thumb it had watery shaving cream and little bits of hair on it. I've only used aloe vera to shave a few times in my life, but it was pretty sweet: it feels like snot that you're rubbing all over your face, and it's clear, and it's not synthesized crap. shaving cream spreads and makes it harder to see what you've shaved. oh well, I'm not really intending to be shaving for much longer, but it might happen.

sufjan stevens makes me think of Christmas. not his christmas songs, though, because I haven't really heard those. illinoise. probably because that's when I was first able to listen to the whole album, and zach and I had it on in the truck a lot then. except it isn't really Christmas that I think of, it's Christmas season. sufjan was playing in the bathroom when I was finishing up my shave.

I'm an incredibly boring interior designer. this ear, I've basically done nothing. I have a few things posted on my bulletin board, but that's it. no other decorations by me. even when I lived in the same room in thailand for...over 3 years, I didn't put a single thing on the walls. eventually, I put a sign on the inside of my door, but that's all. I wonder how much of it has to do with me just being a boring decorator and how much has to do with impermanence. maybe after moving countries and traveling so much and seeing so many people come and go, I'm used to impermanence, and so I don't bother decorating because I figure I'll just have to leave soon. that sounds sort of like a dumb reason, but I guess it could be true.

I don't unpack, either. i always thought it was weird when we would stay in a hotel for one night and my dad would still unpack and put things in the hotel drawers. but even when we would vacation for two weeks some place, I would never unpack. when we would visit the states, I would never unpack, although that made more sense since we were moving around quite a bit. but even if we would be somewhere for several weeks, everything stayed in my bags. I remember four years ago when my family came to the states on furlough, then went back to Thailand, I didn't take everything out of my luggage when I got back to Thailand. It was probably about six months later that I finally did. my dad would always make us unpack when we got back from trips, unpack right away. I'm not sure why it was important to him, but he hasn't done that for...a couple of years?

In Thailand, I never had to worry about money. here, that's one of my main worries. that's dumb. but it makes me realize how artificial some of my experiences in Thailand were. everything seemed cheap because we were supported by money from America. and it was so easy to save money because I never had to use it for anything. my parents paid for gas and food, I wasn't really into snacks...and there's not much else to do in Chiang Rai. even when I did spend money at LAN shops, I always had a lot left. but one of the things I really miss is the low cost of traveling, that I could travel 100 miles by bus for....a dollar? two dollars? but the reason I think of it as artificial now is that I have no real insight into the lives of the thais. I don't know what a well paying job is, or what a normal job is. I don't know what looks expensive to them, and I wish I did know more.

I'm sad that Tim and Charlie are leaving school next year. besides being sad about them going, it makes me wonder when I'll be gone. I try not to worry about it, and figure that everything worked out just right this year, and if God wants me here next year then he'll keep me around. I guess the trouble is that I don't know for sure that God wants me here. sometimes I really want to be gone, to be away from here and away from America, and somewhere in Asia, but if I had the choice, I would stay 3 more years here, according to "the plan". I try not to worry about it, but in the end I do.

I never want to be at a job again where I don't care about the work. warehouses and food service are not close to my heart. working with youth? yes. one of my profs fall quarter told us that we should go for jobs that we would do even if we weren't getting paid. I think that's a good rule of thumb, and that's how my internship this summer is. in reality though, I'll probably have to get more jobs I don't care about in my life. too bad. I don't want to work at anything where I have to wear gloves. I don't want a job where I have to clock in.

I've realized that I live my life assuming that something shitty is about to happen and that I'm going to end up miserable. I don't think that's healthy. relationally, I live pretty paranoid and insecure. it's not healthy.

I'm picking at a scab, and pieces are falling off.