screws

Today in class, my teacher asked whether or not God screws people over, and I wanted to answer yes. I didn't, because in the end I don't believe that he does. But I guess I do believe that God not only allows but causes suffering. And that's okay. (See, writing about something like this is difficult because I can't make absolute statements, but I hate prefacing everything with I think, or I guess.) Suffering can lead to something good, and hopefully that's the type of suffering that God allows and causes. A lot of suffering is getting what you don't want and not getting what you do want (Buddha pointed this out). But looking back over my life, I can see how often it was good to not get what I wanted, and to get what I didn't want, and I do think that at times that was because of God, not just someting he allowed to happen.

The problem here, for me, is that it's easy to see that God causes suffering and then reason from there that he isn't good. That's the trouble I run into often. But even from my own experiences I can see how at times it's good and necessary to cause suffering in other peoples lives. That's not as twisted as it sounds. I mean things like being honest with people about the problems you have with them, or calling someone out, and the suffering that causes. It can lead to good, if it doesn't always.

Another part of the problem is that there's really no easy way to see what is from God, good or bad. I don't believe in predestination or fate, but I have a habit of looking at everything as being from God. The people I come across and talk to, events that happen to me. So if something's bad, I blame it on God and wonder why it's happened and what he's trying to do. Same if something's good, I thank God and wonder why it happened. But I'm not convinced (on a theoretical level) that everything that happens is direct from God. Maybe it is.

Another problem: it's easy to identify things that I'm averse to as bad, and what I do desire as good. The problem here is that I have no true way of knowing what's good or bad. I don't mean on a moral level, but on what is beneficial or harmful to my life. But it's easy to look at people I want to know or be friends with, and think that because I want that, it would be good to happen. Experience and reality tells me otherwise. In the end, I need to admit that I don't have a clue and trust that God is working things out.

Then the problem that I face is that I become passive. If God wants me to be friends with someone, then he'll work it out. To some extent, I think that's true, and I do believe that God throws people together (both in a good and in a violent way). But it's easy to stop there and think that I don't need to move or act, or take chances and risk things and be brave, and to mope around waiting for God to move.

And I wonder sometimes why God throws people in my life. Meeting strangers and having great conversations with them. Sometimes I wonder if all that was meant to happen is that one conversation, and that it gets forced into something it wasn't meant to be. I feel like this isn't clear, but I'm not sure how to explain it, or maybe I don't want to be honest enough to explain it. Maybe one of the worst and best things in life is to have a great time with people you will never see again, or people that are exiting from your life, people just passing through (from your own reference frame, of course). I guess that I believe God can throw people together just for one space in time, and not intend for them to ever see each other again. But I may just be making excuses.