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I am not satisfied with God and I am not content with Christ. And it's not that I'm dissatisfied and discontent with my "relationship" with God, though that is true as well. It's dissatisfaction with God himself. That's a hard thing to tell people though. I don't want people to try to give me answers or fix the problem, and I feel like that's exactly what would happen if I did tell people. And I also feel like whatever answers people would give me are answers that I already have on an intellectual level, and that's the level they would be speaking on. But I don't need answers on an intellectual level, I need them on an existential level. And, to be honest, this dissatisfaction isn't anything new. See, it feels like life would be easier if I smoked. Then I could just go smoke with a friend.

In a way, though, I feel like that's good. I hope with my discontentment (and with my doubts) that it comes from God, and that God is pushing me to something better and deeper and somewhere where he is and where life is.

Sometimes I feel that as a Christian there is a lot of pressure to be intellectually and existentially dishonest. I'm tired of that. Having Christ in my life does not make me content with life and content with whatever happens. Maybe one day I will reach that point, but I'm not there right now.

I don't understand why I like songs about drinking and songs about alcohol so much, but I do.

Tonight, I wondered if I should get a mentor. But I don't want a mentor. Maybe it's the word mentor itself that I dislike. It's not a word that pleases me. Here's a secret: I don't like the phrases intentional community or intentional relationships either. I'm not sure why (don't take it personally). Maybe those phrases are just too long. In any case, I don't have good alternate ones to use. Actually, I just sort of hate the word relationship altogether right now, probably because I'm sick of hearing "relationship with God." Maybe I should start calling it my struggle with God instead.

Another phrase I hate: "the real world." I feel like what that really means is "the fake, shitty world where everything is controlled by money." I always get a little upset when people talk about the "real world" coming after school or after college. Vomit.

I heard once that Seattle is the city where you're most likely to have a stranger tell you their life story. Maybe that just means that Seattle is full of lonely people. The truth is that I often feel lonely, but that isn't something new either. I suspect it's something I'll have to deal with for my whole life, just because loneliness seems like something that's at the center of human existence. Loneliness and ignorance (hm...I think I'm borrowing ideas from Nouwen and Sartre).

I miss my parents, too. Looking back, I'm very grateful for the way I was raised. There were things about growing up that I wouldn't reccomend to other families, or want for my own children (like not really having a home), but I'm grateful for what I got. I think that when my dad is here, I'll have to play catch with him, and make sure to hug my mom a lot.