part 2

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, tired of my body, tired of money and people and of talking and of God and of trying to find God, tired of reading. Mostly, I think I am tired of moving around. I just want to sit still for a day, and not eat or read or do anything, and then go to sleep and never wake up again. The irony is that when I feel this way, my body gets more out of wack and it takes me even longer to get to sleep, and then I lay in bed angry. When I'm weary like this, I just want to die, literally to die, and I get angry at everything. I think that for years I have been ready to die. It's really difficult for me to imagine old age because of that, especially because what I am tired of is the one-thing-after-another-ness of life, accumulation rather than volume. Forty more years is a lot of time for accumulation.

I don't think I'm really old enough to talk about death without it seeming ultra dramatic.

I'm bitter that as much as I try to not see the world dualistically, I go through most days incredibly resentful of my body and the fact that I'm stuck in it (and stuck because of that in dualistic thinking). I don't know how to love my body, and I think that I need to. In some way, I feel like this is what I need to learn to do most at this point in my life, that for my own health (physical, spiritual, etc), I have to learn to love my body and to not be angry at it any longer.

I don't think that loving my body means eating healthier, or exercising more, although it may include that. But, too often, I think both of those are grounded in efficiency, and not in love: I will eat healthier so that my body will function properly, I will exercise more so that my body will function properly. What I'm talking about almost depends on the disfunction and sickness of the body to really exist.

On the bright side, I haven't biked since Thursday, and this is the longest I've gone in the last two months without biking. It feels good.