For the past two years, maybe more, I have been deconstructing my faith and building it (almost) from the ground up. I say almost because I've still been doing this from within the framework of Christianity. In some instances, this has meant that I started to act on what I'd said for a long time that I believed, but in most cases it's meant a large shift in my attitude towards myself, God, the bible, the church, and sin. So far, i'm happy with how all of this has progressed, and I feel healthier and more stable right now than I have at any other time in my life (after the age of...12?) that I can remember. I'm pleased with the direction that my life is headed. It's funny for me to say that, because I don't feel particularly close to God right now. But. I think that for real closeness with God, that goes beyond guilt and that goes beyond obligation, I do need distance, like to find what is real I have to stay away both from what is real and what is false, because it's too easy to confuse the two.
More and more, I'm becoming bothered by the idea that I owe God. Songs, people, maybe scripture, talking about serving God because he died for me, or because of what he's done for me. I want to say this carefully, but I don't think that I owe God anything. I mean this in the sense that if I really believe in God's love, then I believe that I don't need to repay anything, and that there's no way that I could. This isn't being ungrateful, I feel, I think it's basic to the way we want our relationships. I don't want someone to treat me kindly to repay me for treating them kindly. If that is their response, that's fine, but i don't want repayment. Whatever, this is all basic Christian teaching that I've been hearing since I was little. Bottom line: I don't want to serve God to repay him.
Shifting thoughts, I'm finding this summer that I can't continually input information, I have to have a creative output of some sort. I've been reading a lot, but lately it's been hard to read, not because I don't have the time, but because it feels like mental constipation, like I'm intaking all these stories and all these ideas without creating something out of them or thinking through them. I've been trying to write on everything I read this summer, and I think that has helped, but I think I need to find other, more creative ways to be creative.
3 comments:
i've been playing guitar a bit lately, just a bit every day. it's helped me with that need for creative output feeling. it was really hard to do at first actually, but now, after a while of struggling to feel motivated, i'm really enjoying playing a little bit every day.
maybe you could try that? i was just playing other people songs up til now i'm at the point where i feel like i can create something of my own. its a good feeling.
still going on kafka. i haven't been reading as much. i'm still really enjoying it but i just haven't made the time to read as much as i was previously
We should co-author the Next Great American Graphic Novel. You write the story, I'll draw the pictures. I'm good at drawing cows and penguins, for starters.
Dear Sikandro,
If you haven't much drawn before, the chance to take it up is opportune. Writing and drawing weave well, as writing focuses on what you can create with the shapes and meanings of letters and words. Drawing is your chances to create new symbols, and find new or similar meanings within them. It doesn't have to look real or good, just honest. Learning to draw at our age can be a terrifying way to learn what else is inside, in the most fascinating way. Visually recording your thoughts can help fill them in, or lay them out.
The genuine and sincere tone of your thoughts is comforting and interesting.
Anonymously yours,
~Anonymous
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