race

Edit: I'm not really sure who I'm trying to implicate when I write these things, or what "race discussions" I'm talking about. Most of my teachers have been really level headed and I've really appreciated their input and challenges to ideas of race. I guess I'm mostly thinking of other students, or the media, or my general impressions from who knows where. And, I'm not claiming that this is the way it is: this is mostly just my experience.

Here are more of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable (or just tired) in race discussions:

1. I care about my identity as a white (therefore of European descent) American male, and have lived over half my life understanding myself as minority that experienced distinct benefits and discriminations for being white. The reason this is a problem is that, in discussions focused around race, the primary identity assigned to white people is that of oppressors. Is there historical and current basis for this? Of course. But I want to understand myself as a white person, and I don't feel like much is offered to me to hold on to when I'm offered the choice of being an oppressor or being nothing.

1 1/2. I have a deep appreciation for cultures from all around the world. The reason this becomes a problem is that African cultures are appreciated and upheld as being black cultures, Asian cultural traditions are upheld and valued for being Asian, but European cultures are rarely appreciated for being white. I suppose part of this is that groups that value white cultures are often white supremacy groups, where white culture isn't valued in and of itself, it's valued for being better than other cultures. The problem isn't that European or white cultures aren't valued, it's that they aren't valued in the context of race. People might appreciate Shakespeare, but they don't appreciate him for being white in the same way that Ralph Ellison is appreciated for being black.

2. Race is one aspect of human life that is expanded to explain an entire human experience, and this fragments a human life. I don't want to deny the extent of anyone's suffering because of their race, because of the discrimination they've suffered for being a certain race. I also don't want to fragment human experience and tell someone that they don't know what it means to suffer because they haven't been ostracized or hurt because of their race. Other people are rejected and discriminated against and killed for aspects of their identity that have nothing to do with race, and their suffering is real and also can't be minimized just because they're being discriminated against and killed on a non-racial basis. Also, I'm concerned with people as entire human beings where race is part of their experience as a whole, but it's not the whole. Asking for someone to speak as a black man, a white woman, a Thai transvestite, and only being concerned with those aspects of their identity, and to ask them to speak for every other black, white, or asian, is a mistake. It's really important to hear the stories of everyone.

2 1/2. I am pretty aware of myself as a white person, maybe after living in Thailand for so long, but I'm also used to being more or less aware of it depending on what context I'm in. In other words, my sense of racial identity strengthens and weakens throughout the day depending on who I'm with and who I'm around. If this is connected to discomfort during race discussions, then it's connected to the idea that race isn't an all-encompassing, eclipsing identity. I also understand that might just be my experience.

3. I just feel petty a lot of the time for caring about being white, that I can't voice these concerns without being petty, and without minimizing the pain of other people. But I suppose this is like having a friend who, whenever you're together, will always talk about himself and his struggles and is never concerned with yours or you or your life except in the context of how what you can do can help him. And, in this case, you really do want to help him, and you are aware that what he's faced has been more painful than what you have, but you just get tired of listening all the time without ever bringing your own life into it.

That may be really selfish (or it may not be, you decide, America), but that's also where I'm at.

Which is another reason I'm uncomfortable with race discussions: The emphasis is on ideals rather than truth, so people aren't allowed to speak truthfully of where they're at and what they're thinking. And if things are going to change, there needs to be space for people to speak honestly instead of trying to appear like they're not racist, not sexist, not bigoted (especially when everyone is racist, sexist, bigoted in one area or another to one degree or another IMO). I often don't feel like I have the ability to speak honestly of my experience, or to ask honest questions becuse people will tell me that I'm wrong, that my questions are wrong. But the point isn't whether I'm wrong or not, I may know that I'm wrong, that I'm racist, and want to change that, it just doesn't make sense to keep repeating to people how sick they are when they're in the middle of looking for a cure.