evolution

Something I just realized is that my shift from believing in a literal Genesis creation to evolution didn't have much to do with science. It had much more to do with story. The story of development and change was something I came to believe in. The story was based on science, but it wasn't the science that convinced me.

I also just realized that I don't want to be a kid anymore. There were times when I used to want to return to childhood, but I don't want to. And if I would want to return to my teenage years, it would mostly be to have all that free time again. In general, though, I'm much happier now than I was at that time, and I've changed mostly in good ways.

Looking at how I've changed in good ways, though, I can't help but feel like that process isn't going to continue to forever (or one way of looking at it is that it will continue forever, there will just be some significant jolts). In other words, my age doesn't necessarily correspond to how healthy or wise or good or happy I am. A few weeks ago I was thinking that there would inevitably be a point where I look at my life and wonder "How did it come to this?" I dont know if that's pessimistic or realistic, if it really is inevitable or not, but I've seen these things happen before.

I used to worry that for being an English major, I wasn't really changed by the stories that I read. This was a secret that I kept pretty close, because even though I knew why I believed stories were good, I wasn't really having that experience. Lately, though, I've been so impressed with the power of story, and how much influence it actually does have on my life, and how the stories I read and hear do change me. That's a change that I think is good.

Incidentally, I also have been appreciating lately how the English major (or experiencing narrative in general?) seeks to eliminate judgment in favor of observation. Description, rather than prescription. Or maybe that's just the take that I want to have on it. I guess I know that there is a point where judgment needs to be made...but I think that point will be much more balanced and much more true when I come through a stage of pure observation. But it also really depends on what I mean when I say judgment.

I see a lot of links between judgment and fear. Listening to other people talk about how they live (the narrative of their life), I am afraid. I am afraid that either I will have to change or that I will change in ways I don't want to. If someone is doing something "good," and I'm not, then I try to find ways to justify my inaction. If someone's doing something "bad," and I'm not, then I try to find a reason for why what they're doing is wrong. This is fear, but it's fear that I feel less and less.

I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to do everything that is "good." I don't need to lead everything, be involved in everything. I can acknowledge what other people are doing, and support that, but that doesn't mean that it's good or healthy for me to take part in what they're doing....which is also something that's been important to me as an SMC. People don't have to take part in what I'm doing. They don't need to be involved with my ideas, my events, with me.

/navelgazing