body

I want to write, because I feel like there's a lot on my mind that I want to process. At the same time, I don't know what to write about.

Here's one thing: I'm finding that it's really necessary for me to sit still, even if its just for a few minutes. If I'm not careful, I go through the whole day just doing things, even if that's spending time in my room online or playing games or reading or guitaring, with no pause in between. Unhealthy. I think it's good to spend time at night just sitting before I go to bed, because I don't think straight once I'm trying to sleep, everything gets a little loopy.

Another thing that I've been slowly realizing is how I view my body. Not like body image, just how I think of it. And I've realized that I think of my body as something that is outside of my control or outside human intervention. I think this began from an early age with my sinuses. I don't know how long my sinuses have been bad, but for as long as I remember I've only been able to breathe through one nostril at a time, except when I'm exercising. When I was little, we went to doctors to try to find out what the problem was, and to fix the problem. Nothing they did worked. The way I eat has also given me the feeling that what I do to my body doesn't matter. The last time I got my cholesterol checked (5 years ago) I found out that it was really high, but that the good cholesterol was really high, also, so it didn't really matter. Basically, I used to eat really poorly, a lot of fatty foods, but nothing I ate changed that I was skinny.

The most clear sense I have of human control over my body is with surgery, when my tendons were reconnected and when my teeth were pulled. Other than that, my medical history is one where when I have problems, the doctors don't know what's wrong or how to fix thing, and I think this is part of why I'm always reluctant to see doctors. Or, on the other hand, I have injuries that are permanent, which is another loss of control.

I've wondered if my insistence on not using an alarm this quarter, and my attempt to detox my body, is an attempt to have a sense of control over myself.