objectivity

Many times in my life, I've heard pastors, worship leaders, and missions groups pray for God to eliminate them from speaking, leading, and acting, and leave only God's will. I've prayed this prayer myself, in regards to worship or my daily life. More recently, however, in the last year or so, it's begun to seriously bother me, and I want to try to articulate some of the reasons that it does. This isn't directed at anyone, I just want a place to articulate what I'm thinking.

1. It never works. When a preacher prays for God to let them only say what is from God, and that all their ideas and thoughts, whatever is of them, be erased, it doesn't work. Sermons are still shot through with the personal opinions, biases, and beliefs of the speaker. Similarly, missionaries act based on theory of how they should act, and this theory is their belief rather than something handed down from God, and worship leaders sing songs with bad theology that are inappropriate for the situation, and choose songs based totally on preference rather than the work of God. Incidentally, I think its ridiculous to assert that the introduction of subjective elements into a sermon have anything to do with sin, that a pure believer would be able to totally erase themself.

2. I think this posturing of eliminating the self also eliminates all passion from worship, action, and teaching. Witness what happens when, as a worship leader, you don't believe the songs that you're playing, or try to choose songs on some sort of objective criteria. It's a miserable, deadening experience. Similarly, it's incredibly boring to listen to people talk about things they don't care about. And, more than boring, it's not rhetorically persuasive or appealing (thanks lit theory for inspiring that thought). And I think that the one leads to the other, that trying to eliminate the self from faith experiences results in not caring anymore about what you do.

3. The only way I can listen to speakers and participate in ,and not go crazy, is to think of them as expressions of belief, not as statements of truth. I hear people pray those prayers, and then say awful things to the extent that if those things are from God, I want no part in God. And that's what makes those expressions interesting, is that they are provisional, they're never quite there. I don't go to church to find truth, or to find God, I go there to be with the church.

4. Where does this posturing even come from? Perhaps from Jesus, from his claim that the things he teaches are not his own ideas but have been given to him from God, or ultimately from his decision to go and die. Or perhaps from Paul, "I have been crucified with Christ and no longer live..." These are nice sentiments, but I don't believe that Paul's writings were handed to him by God, or that Paul and Paul's personal, subjective beliefs were eliminated from his writing. That is to say, I dont think that Paul's letters could have been written by anyone except Paul. That's something to be celebrated. If what Paul meant was that he's an empty vessel for God to direct and manipulate and erase, he was wrong. It didnt happen. Eliminate subjectivity and you throw out the Bible and the entire Christian tradition.

In part, this is a subset of a larger problem for me. I hear people admit that objectivity is impossible, but that it's something to strive for. Something in that feels off to me, but I don't know how to articulate it at this point. In what sense do they mean I should try to be objective? Is what these people mean by objectivity actually objectivity? People go crazy trying to be objective, because inevitably they are forced away from objectivity any time they choose anything. I don't want to go crazy.

covers

I've been thinking about book covers recently. Mostly what I've been wondering is whether classic books could be published with contemporary art work on the covers, and whether or not contemporary stories could be published with classical artwork. Or maybe the question I'm getting at is whether they would sell as well and whether people would take them as seriously. Does publishing a book with contemporary art work imply that a certain standard of writing, a certain way of ordering the world will be found within, and the failure of the two to synchronize would result in discontentment? In other words, would people feel cheated if David Copperfield was published with the same cover as The Savage Detectives?

This also, I think, has to do with "don't judge a book by its cover." In my experience, books should absolutely be judged by their covers. That is, covers and imprints are usually marketed towards a certain audience and with certain genres and standards in mind. Similar covers imply similar content and experience created for certain audiences. In general, I've found that when I dislike covers, I'm usually not very interested in the blurbs about the books, and often if I read them they end up being low quality, unenjoyable works. Then again, a lot of this has to do with layout, font, page and font size, paper quality, binding quality, etc. I suppose part of the argument is that David Copperfield published with two covers is actually two different books, and so it's impossible to equate or conflate separate readings of each.

In other news, I feel that my life is always a balancing act between production and consumption, where when I don't consume, I feel empty, and when I don't produce, I feel stuffed. There are times when I can't read anymore until I do something productive, especially writing or music, and times when I need to read because I've been producing too much. I feel like the general trend of my life has been tow

Publish Post

ards consumption of knowledge and information, but more and more I see it drifting towards production, or at least towards a balance between the two. I want to produce, and sometimes having to take in more and more just gets exhausting, whereas I don't think the same amount of information would feel exhausting if I were producing more. Hence this blog post.

o my sinuses

When I was growing up, I didn't pay any attention to the nutritional quality of the food I was eating. Not until I was 17 or so. I was, in general, very healthy and fit. Since then, as I've become more and more careful about what I eat, I get sick all the time. Additionally, I was eating food from all the street vendors in Thailand, while now I'm buying from supermarkets in the States. In other words, I need to start eating more junk food, sit around and play video games, and move somewhere warmer so I don't have to deal with all these little sicknesses.

I've been thinking recently about atheism. I wonder if more people become atheists because they can't find a use for God than from a lack of reasons to believe in God's existence. I wonder if much of the believing life is trying to find a reason to keep God around, to find something that he sustains or changes, to find some activity that he takes part in. This has become more and more difficult for me to do over the years, especially in my movement away from a morality and sin basis for understanding who God is: before, I believed that I needed God to be a good, moral person, but I don't believe that any longer. Why? Partially because I don't believe that morality is God's main interest in my life, but also just because most of the time where I do wrong or do right, God seems to be totally absent from the entire process. I don't want to invent uses for God and insert him into processes where he does not exist. That's lead me to better, healthier territory, but problem territory.

I've also been thinking about how much I hate people in general, and like them in particular. When I go around in life and see all the messes that people make, how inconsiderate, cruel, and irresponsible they are, I hate them. But when I come up against a single individual who makes a mess out of life, who is inconsiderate, cruel, and irresponsible, I often like them. Often, but not always. I think that what I hate is really an imagined person, a sort of straw man target that I mentally abuse, but who doesn't exist in reality (this is, arguably, how Jesus functions: he condemns the pharisees as a faceless, nameless mass, but he treats individuals with great compassion.) Or sometimes I bitch about people, in my head mostly, when they're not around, but then when I'm with them, whatever I'm bitching about doesn't seem to matter that much.

Contrary to contemporary Christian pop theology, I don't think it's possible to love someone unless you like them. Without liking them, you may be able to treat them with courtesy and respect, to make sacrifices for them, but I don't think it's possible to really love them when you dislike them. To like someone, I think, is to take joy in the essence of who they are, and without that joy, I don't think that love is possible. "Love the sinner, hate the sin," is also nonsense to me, along similar lines.

Let's not forget that justice isn't only about punishing those who do wrong, it's restoring those who have been wronged. When justice is talked about in the first sense, I am bored and repulsed. When it's talked about in the second sense, I'm excited. And, it is possible to have the second without the first.

Anger about the injustices in the world inhibits learning about those injustices and, summarily, inhibits the solutions to those injustices. Get angry once you know something.

I'm obviously writing my own book of proverbs.

trip

Tonight I'm sleeping in the living room of my house. I'm sleeping there because tomorrow morning I'm driving to San Francisco for a few days. I just washed my sheets, and I feel like my return home will be much more satisfying if I come home to clean sheets, so tonight I'm sleeping in the living room to not get my sheets dirty.

coincidence

Recently I received an assignment for one of my classes to write about what makes a story satisfying. My answer is that what feels like real life is satisfying, and for me that means a high degree of coincidence: random meetings, chance encounters, chaotic events that often are not purposeful or guided but lead to a meaningful end. That's how real life feels to me. Sometimes I think of this as God, leading life to a meaningful end, but I don't always want to or feel the need to take it that far. Sometimes coincidence is providence, sometimes it's just coincidence. When I look back on my life, that's what I see, a string of coincidences without which I would not be where I am today.

music

I'm insecure about my music. Not music that I've written (which doesn't exist, for the most part), but music that I like and listen to. I'm always very nervous about putting it on, no matter where I am. Mostly, my music isn't appropriate for any sort of social situation, except maybe travel. I listen to car music. For instance: Weezer. I couldn't put Weezer on during dinner time when I'm sitting down with housemates. Most of my friends listen to easy listening music that's appropriate in many situations. In other words, most people don't like the music that I like, and I feel nervous about putting it on. So, I usually just listen to music when I'm alone.

In other news, I've been wondering lately how much salvation is a universal process. As in, I am not fully saved until everyone else is also fully saved. Why? Because I don't think it's possible for any human to be fully "saved" while anyone else isn't. In fact, it seems that being fully redeemed, fully saved, fully human, would mean that it was impossible to feel that way. This is especially true if you believe in hell (which I don't). How can anyone be happy in paradise knowing that someone else is suffering eternally in hell? That seems to be the exact opposite of how humans are supposed to love and feel for each other. I also don't think it's a very satisfying solution to say that God will simply hide the knowledge from us...

domestics pt 2

Thinking back to how I grew up, I realize that I never lived in a messy house. There were certain rooms that were messy (my bedroom, offices), but the public areas were always kept very clean and tidy. Implication: do what you want with what's your own, but keep clean what belongs to everyone. Of course, there were times when I was forced to clean my room, but this was not robustly enforced by the time I had graduated. Not to mention I did a better job of it at that point. Similarly, my dad used to fine me and my roommate Toby if we hadn't taken a shower by 7pm. That also fell away. In any case, that's what I grew up with and what I prefer. Now, I don't like clutter and dirtiness in public areas, and don't like leaving my things in the public area of my house. And, I deal a lot better with clutter than I do with dirtiness. Clutter in my room doesn't usually stress me out, but when the sheets are dirty and the floor is covered in hair and my shelves are dusty (or my fan blades, in Thailand), then I like to clean.

Also, I think the ants in Thailand were a big part of growing up. Consider: if any food was left out, there would be ants on it within an hour or two, sometimes less. If food was left out, it would become stale immediately. Summarily, it's always very confusing to me when I see a bowl of food sitting somewhere in the house for days. That's a lot grosser to me than build up of hair in the drain, or the mold in the shower (until I think about it) or dirty toilets.

In general I don't like leaving my own things around the house. Usually when I go to bed, my things are either in my room or in the study room. This is more from paranoia than consideration for my housemates, though: if I leave books around, I worry that someone will spill on them or kick them and bend the pages. If I leave my computer downstairs, I worry about robbers coming in and finding it right away, or else that someone will step on it or drop something heavy. I assume that what's left in a public area is liable to be destroyed.

Living with seven other guys has also made me think about how much I hate doing things when people are around. I prefer cleaning and cooking when the house is empty. I don't like getting in peoples ways, and I hate feeling like I'm being observed. Also, when I lived by myself two summers ago, I was much more organized than I am living with seven other people. For example, I made my bed almost every day. In part, that's because it was a couch, not a bed, and I didn't want to have blankets on there when I came back and read in the evening. But, I think I just do well when I don't have to worry about getting in the way. Or, perhaps it's more that I hate being interrupted, and so I do things better when I'm alone because I don't have to worry about interruption.

In any case, I like living at my house.