the good times are killing me

Here's what I've realized about life lately: I'm pleased with the particulars, but not with the whole. I don't mind my work, I like the time that I'm spending with people, the time I have to read, to play music, to ride my bike, but I'm burning out with the weight of it all. This is sobering since tomorrow begins what will probably be the busiest year of my life so far, and I'm feeling exhausted already. The difficult part is that I don't look at my life and see things that I'm wasting my time on, I think what I'm doing is worthwhile, it's just too many worthwhile things. Whatever, this is just repeating what I say all the time.

Without me realizing it, communion has become very important to me over the last two years. I realize this because sometimes I think about joining the Catholic church, but the Catholic restrictions on communion keep me from thinking too seriously about it. And really, I haven't looked into it at all. I just don't associate myself strongly with Protestantism. This is sort of similar to Orthodoxy, where various Orthodox approaches have been very appealing to me, but I just can't handle what I see as arrogant attitudes towards the rest of Christianity. Anyway, communion has become important to me, maybe of itself, but more about how views on communion reflect views on who Jesus is and what his relationship to humanity is. I think I see Jesus as a much more messy figure than many people do, one that is dirty with other people, and asks for that to happen, and isn't nearly as concerned with his own "purity" as many of his followers are. Additionally, views on communion reflect views of humanity itself, or what it means to be human. I don't feel the need to be clean or pure when I take communion, whereas I think a lot of people feel they need to repent of whatever sin is in their life before hand. I feel exactly the opposite, that when I have sin in my life, what I need the most is Jesus, and the eucharist is having Jesus. Similarly, I'm really doubtful that there's ever a point in life when I'm free of sin, whatever sin is, and so it's an always or never type of thing for me. I know there are verses about being careful before taking communion, but from what I've read that was talking about outward actions, and not as much an inward state of being. Also, I think that communion has become more meaningful to me because it's tangible. I honestly don't care about whether it turns into Jesus in my stomach, or any of the views on that part. I don't really need to know how it works, or if it works. I just want it, all the time, and want anyone who wants to take it to take it. That's the offer that I see Jesus extending in the gospels, and I don't think I can be more selfish with Jesus than he was with himself, I think that's disrespectful of Christ, though it's intended for the opposite.

Which brings me to another topic...I was talking with a friend of mine a while ago, and he said "...I mean, Jesus crapped, I don't know if that's sacreligious or not..." and what I wanted to say is that it's the opposite. Talking about Jesus the way he was is much more respectful than trying to pretend that he didn't experience what we see as gross or embarassing or weird human experiences. Speaking of God, or anyone, as they are, is much more respectful.