I haven't prayed, really, for about a year. Last fall quarter I prayed quite a bit, and it was such a traumatic experience that I really haven't taken it up again. By prayer, I mean setting aside a chunk of time to speak to God and to listen to him, which I think is actually a quite limited understanding of prayer. But I haven't prayed like that for some time, and I think that soon I might be able to again.
But what am I praying? Prayer lately has been thinking about those around me who are suffering. Most of the time I don't know what to pray. Everything seems arrogant or insufficient. I feel arrogant when I pray towards a certain solution or end, and I feel arrogant assuming that I know what would be a good or appropriate result for a situation in a person's life. So mostly what I pray is for God to have mercy on them, and on me*. This is really the only way I have been able to pray for months, praying for both the living and the dead.
This isn't mercy as in "they really effed up, now please don't destroy them," because that's rarely what I'm praying.
4 comments:
Thanks Alex... this was nice, and I could just picture you saying it too, I must hear your voice again soon.
what do you mean by mercy? I think I could guess, but it would be nice to hear how you would put it.
I feel the same about the arrogancy/insufficiency problem. Sometimes I just pray for God's Spirit to be with the people I pray for, and for myself to understand the experiences of those people.
I guess I'm referring mainly to when I pray out loud with groups of people, such as small groups or BCC worship teams. You know, the situations where you are obligated to say something even if you don't have anything to say . . .
When I pray by myself, it's more like feelings of anger or hope or pain welling up in me, and my attempt to believe that God experiences those with me and with creation.
P.S. I would describe myself as an open theist, but I am trying to figure out exactly what that means to me. I hope the spirit of God actively gives life/wholeness to creation in some way.
P.P.S. I'm glad you wrote this. I always deeply respect what you have to say, especially regarding prayer.
P.P.P.S. Sorry, I just accidentally deleted my post directly after publishing it. Luckily I saved most of it. This (above) is what I meant to post.
Hey, Alex. I've just been catching up on your blog. It makes me really miss thinking about these ideas. It makes me really miss talking to you, and how when I think back to our conversations last year, I mostly remember your thoughtful silences before speaking. That's a rare quality that's hard to find. Hope all is well.
-Alissa
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