I just trimmed my mustache for the first time ever. I'm not counting times when I clipped it for a day as a joke before I shaved the whole thing off. I had a lot of trouble with it at breakfast this morning, trying to eat a bagel with peanut butter on it. It was time to shave.
I've noticed lately how confused I get when strangers smile at me, mostly when a number of strangers smile at me in a short amount of time. I start getting really nervous that my fly is down or that something goofy is stuck to my face.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
race
Edit: I'm not really sure who I'm trying to implicate when I write these things, or what "race discussions" I'm talking about. Most of my teachers have been really level headed and I've really appreciated their input and challenges to ideas of race. I guess I'm mostly thinking of other students, or the media, or my general impressions from who knows where. And, I'm not claiming that this is the way it is: this is mostly just my experience.
Here are more of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable (or just tired) in race discussions:
1. I care about my identity as a white (therefore of European descent) American male, and have lived over half my life understanding myself as minority that experienced distinct benefits and discriminations for being white. The reason this is a problem is that, in discussions focused around race, the primary identity assigned to white people is that of oppressors. Is there historical and current basis for this? Of course. But I want to understand myself as a white person, and I don't feel like much is offered to me to hold on to when I'm offered the choice of being an oppressor or being nothing.
1 1/2. I have a deep appreciation for cultures from all around the world. The reason this becomes a problem is that African cultures are appreciated and upheld as being black cultures, Asian cultural traditions are upheld and valued for being Asian, but European cultures are rarely appreciated for being white. I suppose part of this is that groups that value white cultures are often white supremacy groups, where white culture isn't valued in and of itself, it's valued for being better than other cultures. The problem isn't that European or white cultures aren't valued, it's that they aren't valued in the context of race. People might appreciate Shakespeare, but they don't appreciate him for being white in the same way that Ralph Ellison is appreciated for being black.
2. Race is one aspect of human life that is expanded to explain an entire human experience, and this fragments a human life. I don't want to deny the extent of anyone's suffering because of their race, because of the discrimination they've suffered for being a certain race. I also don't want to fragment human experience and tell someone that they don't know what it means to suffer because they haven't been ostracized or hurt because of their race. Other people are rejected and discriminated against and killed for aspects of their identity that have nothing to do with race, and their suffering is real and also can't be minimized just because they're being discriminated against and killed on a non-racial basis. Also, I'm concerned with people as entire human beings where race is part of their experience as a whole, but it's not the whole. Asking for someone to speak as a black man, a white woman, a Thai transvestite, and only being concerned with those aspects of their identity, and to ask them to speak for every other black, white, or asian, is a mistake. It's really important to hear the stories of everyone.
2 1/2. I am pretty aware of myself as a white person, maybe after living in Thailand for so long, but I'm also used to being more or less aware of it depending on what context I'm in. In other words, my sense of racial identity strengthens and weakens throughout the day depending on who I'm with and who I'm around. If this is connected to discomfort during race discussions, then it's connected to the idea that race isn't an all-encompassing, eclipsing identity. I also understand that might just be my experience.
3. I just feel petty a lot of the time for caring about being white, that I can't voice these concerns without being petty, and without minimizing the pain of other people. But I suppose this is like having a friend who, whenever you're together, will always talk about himself and his struggles and is never concerned with yours or you or your life except in the context of how what you can do can help him. And, in this case, you really do want to help him, and you are aware that what he's faced has been more painful than what you have, but you just get tired of listening all the time without ever bringing your own life into it.
That may be really selfish (or it may not be, you decide, America), but that's also where I'm at.
Which is another reason I'm uncomfortable with race discussions: The emphasis is on ideals rather than truth, so people aren't allowed to speak truthfully of where they're at and what they're thinking. And if things are going to change, there needs to be space for people to speak honestly instead of trying to appear like they're not racist, not sexist, not bigoted (especially when everyone is racist, sexist, bigoted in one area or another to one degree or another IMO). I often don't feel like I have the ability to speak honestly of my experience, or to ask honest questions becuse people will tell me that I'm wrong, that my questions are wrong. But the point isn't whether I'm wrong or not, I may know that I'm wrong, that I'm racist, and want to change that, it just doesn't make sense to keep repeating to people how sick they are when they're in the middle of looking for a cure.
Here are more of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable (or just tired) in race discussions:
1. I care about my identity as a white (therefore of European descent) American male, and have lived over half my life understanding myself as minority that experienced distinct benefits and discriminations for being white. The reason this is a problem is that, in discussions focused around race, the primary identity assigned to white people is that of oppressors. Is there historical and current basis for this? Of course. But I want to understand myself as a white person, and I don't feel like much is offered to me to hold on to when I'm offered the choice of being an oppressor or being nothing.
1 1/2. I have a deep appreciation for cultures from all around the world. The reason this becomes a problem is that African cultures are appreciated and upheld as being black cultures, Asian cultural traditions are upheld and valued for being Asian, but European cultures are rarely appreciated for being white. I suppose part of this is that groups that value white cultures are often white supremacy groups, where white culture isn't valued in and of itself, it's valued for being better than other cultures. The problem isn't that European or white cultures aren't valued, it's that they aren't valued in the context of race. People might appreciate Shakespeare, but they don't appreciate him for being white in the same way that Ralph Ellison is appreciated for being black.
2. Race is one aspect of human life that is expanded to explain an entire human experience, and this fragments a human life. I don't want to deny the extent of anyone's suffering because of their race, because of the discrimination they've suffered for being a certain race. I also don't want to fragment human experience and tell someone that they don't know what it means to suffer because they haven't been ostracized or hurt because of their race. Other people are rejected and discriminated against and killed for aspects of their identity that have nothing to do with race, and their suffering is real and also can't be minimized just because they're being discriminated against and killed on a non-racial basis. Also, I'm concerned with people as entire human beings where race is part of their experience as a whole, but it's not the whole. Asking for someone to speak as a black man, a white woman, a Thai transvestite, and only being concerned with those aspects of their identity, and to ask them to speak for every other black, white, or asian, is a mistake. It's really important to hear the stories of everyone.
2 1/2. I am pretty aware of myself as a white person, maybe after living in Thailand for so long, but I'm also used to being more or less aware of it depending on what context I'm in. In other words, my sense of racial identity strengthens and weakens throughout the day depending on who I'm with and who I'm around. If this is connected to discomfort during race discussions, then it's connected to the idea that race isn't an all-encompassing, eclipsing identity. I also understand that might just be my experience.
3. I just feel petty a lot of the time for caring about being white, that I can't voice these concerns without being petty, and without minimizing the pain of other people. But I suppose this is like having a friend who, whenever you're together, will always talk about himself and his struggles and is never concerned with yours or you or your life except in the context of how what you can do can help him. And, in this case, you really do want to help him, and you are aware that what he's faced has been more painful than what you have, but you just get tired of listening all the time without ever bringing your own life into it.
That may be really selfish (or it may not be, you decide, America), but that's also where I'm at.
Which is another reason I'm uncomfortable with race discussions: The emphasis is on ideals rather than truth, so people aren't allowed to speak truthfully of where they're at and what they're thinking. And if things are going to change, there needs to be space for people to speak honestly instead of trying to appear like they're not racist, not sexist, not bigoted (especially when everyone is racist, sexist, bigoted in one area or another to one degree or another IMO). I often don't feel like I have the ability to speak honestly of my experience, or to ask honest questions becuse people will tell me that I'm wrong, that my questions are wrong. But the point isn't whether I'm wrong or not, I may know that I'm wrong, that I'm racist, and want to change that, it just doesn't make sense to keep repeating to people how sick they are when they're in the middle of looking for a cure.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
brief
brief reflections and generalizations:
1. The disappointment of spring is that as the leaves are growing back on the trees, I don't have as much of a view onto the sidewalks and paths as I used to. I have to duck around a lot if I want to see who's walking down there.
2. When I'm around people who are very quiet, I sometimes forget that their senses work. I'm surprised when they talk and I doubt that their sense of smell and hearing are fully functional.
3. Most important events in my life don't seem to be as dramatic as they should be, while I'm experiencing thom; most dramatic experiences end up not being very important.
4. People don't need my agreement or approval to be doing the work of God. They don't need to "minister" to me to be doing the work of God either. And it's very important to not get in God's way, and to not be so arrogant as to think that theological precision is as important as love for God.
5. I don't like euphemistic language. But, I do care a lot about effective communication and taking care to not use words that convey a different meaning than intended (even though, ultimately, words are too slippery to control). In interpersonal problems, I think it's hard to find true healing unless you acknowledge the true depth of the pain. I'm not using that as excuse to be an asshole, incidentally.
6. After telling a few of my friends today that I used to seriously dislike them, one of them mentioned that my disliking someone intensely (who I don't know) may be a litmus test for whether I end up becoming friends with them. That's been accurate in a lot of cases in my life.
1. The disappointment of spring is that as the leaves are growing back on the trees, I don't have as much of a view onto the sidewalks and paths as I used to. I have to duck around a lot if I want to see who's walking down there.
2. When I'm around people who are very quiet, I sometimes forget that their senses work. I'm surprised when they talk and I doubt that their sense of smell and hearing are fully functional.
3. Most important events in my life don't seem to be as dramatic as they should be, while I'm experiencing thom; most dramatic experiences end up not being very important.
4. People don't need my agreement or approval to be doing the work of God. They don't need to "minister" to me to be doing the work of God either. And it's very important to not get in God's way, and to not be so arrogant as to think that theological precision is as important as love for God.
5. I don't like euphemistic language. But, I do care a lot about effective communication and taking care to not use words that convey a different meaning than intended (even though, ultimately, words are too slippery to control). In interpersonal problems, I think it's hard to find true healing unless you acknowledge the true depth of the pain. I'm not using that as excuse to be an asshole, incidentally.
6. After telling a few of my friends today that I used to seriously dislike them, one of them mentioned that my disliking someone intensely (who I don't know) may be a litmus test for whether I end up becoming friends with them. That's been accurate in a lot of cases in my life.
Monday, May 12, 2008
evolution
Something I just realized is that my shift from believing in a literal Genesis creation to evolution didn't have much to do with science. It had much more to do with story. The story of development and change was something I came to believe in. The story was based on science, but it wasn't the science that convinced me.
I also just realized that I don't want to be a kid anymore. There were times when I used to want to return to childhood, but I don't want to. And if I would want to return to my teenage years, it would mostly be to have all that free time again. In general, though, I'm much happier now than I was at that time, and I've changed mostly in good ways.
Looking at how I've changed in good ways, though, I can't help but feel like that process isn't going to continue to forever (or one way of looking at it is that it will continue forever, there will just be some significant jolts). In other words, my age doesn't necessarily correspond to how healthy or wise or good or happy I am. A few weeks ago I was thinking that there would inevitably be a point where I look at my life and wonder "How did it come to this?" I dont know if that's pessimistic or realistic, if it really is inevitable or not, but I've seen these things happen before.
I used to worry that for being an English major, I wasn't really changed by the stories that I read. This was a secret that I kept pretty close, because even though I knew why I believed stories were good, I wasn't really having that experience. Lately, though, I've been so impressed with the power of story, and how much influence it actually does have on my life, and how the stories I read and hear do change me. That's a change that I think is good.
Incidentally, I also have been appreciating lately how the English major (or experiencing narrative in general?) seeks to eliminate judgment in favor of observation. Description, rather than prescription. Or maybe that's just the take that I want to have on it. I guess I know that there is a point where judgment needs to be made...but I think that point will be much more balanced and much more true when I come through a stage of pure observation. But it also really depends on what I mean when I say judgment.
I see a lot of links between judgment and fear. Listening to other people talk about how they live (the narrative of their life), I am afraid. I am afraid that either I will have to change or that I will change in ways I don't want to. If someone is doing something "good," and I'm not, then I try to find ways to justify my inaction. If someone's doing something "bad," and I'm not, then I try to find a reason for why what they're doing is wrong. This is fear, but it's fear that I feel less and less.
I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to do everything that is "good." I don't need to lead everything, be involved in everything. I can acknowledge what other people are doing, and support that, but that doesn't mean that it's good or healthy for me to take part in what they're doing....which is also something that's been important to me as an SMC. People don't have to take part in what I'm doing. They don't need to be involved with my ideas, my events, with me.
/navelgazing
I also just realized that I don't want to be a kid anymore. There were times when I used to want to return to childhood, but I don't want to. And if I would want to return to my teenage years, it would mostly be to have all that free time again. In general, though, I'm much happier now than I was at that time, and I've changed mostly in good ways.
Looking at how I've changed in good ways, though, I can't help but feel like that process isn't going to continue to forever (or one way of looking at it is that it will continue forever, there will just be some significant jolts). In other words, my age doesn't necessarily correspond to how healthy or wise or good or happy I am. A few weeks ago I was thinking that there would inevitably be a point where I look at my life and wonder "How did it come to this?" I dont know if that's pessimistic or realistic, if it really is inevitable or not, but I've seen these things happen before.
I used to worry that for being an English major, I wasn't really changed by the stories that I read. This was a secret that I kept pretty close, because even though I knew why I believed stories were good, I wasn't really having that experience. Lately, though, I've been so impressed with the power of story, and how much influence it actually does have on my life, and how the stories I read and hear do change me. That's a change that I think is good.
Incidentally, I also have been appreciating lately how the English major (or experiencing narrative in general?) seeks to eliminate judgment in favor of observation. Description, rather than prescription. Or maybe that's just the take that I want to have on it. I guess I know that there is a point where judgment needs to be made...but I think that point will be much more balanced and much more true when I come through a stage of pure observation. But it also really depends on what I mean when I say judgment.
I see a lot of links between judgment and fear. Listening to other people talk about how they live (the narrative of their life), I am afraid. I am afraid that either I will have to change or that I will change in ways I don't want to. If someone is doing something "good," and I'm not, then I try to find ways to justify my inaction. If someone's doing something "bad," and I'm not, then I try to find a reason for why what they're doing is wrong. This is fear, but it's fear that I feel less and less.
I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to do everything that is "good." I don't need to lead everything, be involved in everything. I can acknowledge what other people are doing, and support that, but that doesn't mean that it's good or healthy for me to take part in what they're doing....which is also something that's been important to me as an SMC. People don't have to take part in what I'm doing. They don't need to be involved with my ideas, my events, with me.
/navelgazing
Sunday, May 11, 2008
tremors
Recently, I've had tremors in my left leg. It feels like my phone is vibrating, but it's not phantom vibrations, it's vibrations somewhere inside my leg. But when it's happening, and I feel my leg, I don't feel it vibrating. Weird.
I feel pressure to write something important on here, like something that will change peoples perspectives, be illuminating, thought-provoking, etc. I will ignore that pressure. Hopefully my choice to reject any sort of lesson, moral, synthesis, or analysis will change your perspective.
I feel pressure to write something important on here, like something that will change peoples perspectives, be illuminating, thought-provoking, etc. I will ignore that pressure. Hopefully my choice to reject any sort of lesson, moral, synthesis, or analysis will change your perspective.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
dream
I wanted to write this down before I forget: for the second time this quarter, I had a dream about being stuck in an illusionary world. What I remember from last night is that I was stuck in a house, and there was some malicious woman, and there were a bunch of objects in the house that I knew weren't real (like a TV?), so I started to destroy them. I just wanted to remember, because I've been forgetting about it all day, and I'm really intrigued that I've been dreaming about having faulty vision and being caught in illusions, since that's a subject that I'm interested in in real life.
Other topic.
Tonight I told my story, and I've been thinking about it lately. It's very strange for me to think about old, painful experiences, and realize that they're still painful and that they still are having an effect on how I think and act today. I do think there is something healing in simply telling stories though, and that's how I felt after tonight. Not that things are done, but that it was a healing experience.
Other topic.
Tonight I told my story, and I've been thinking about it lately. It's very strange for me to think about old, painful experiences, and realize that they're still painful and that they still are having an effect on how I think and act today. I do think there is something healing in simply telling stories though, and that's how I felt after tonight. Not that things are done, but that it was a healing experience.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
history
Table of Contents
1. Emotional vs. Intellectual History
2. Reflections on Narrative Theory
3. Intellectual Friendships
4. Control
5. Half Person
6. Conclusion
7. Afterward
1. Next week, I'm sharing my story at my church. Last night when I was on a long car ride, I was thinking about what I was going to talk about. I realized that what I was thinking of talking about was really only one half of my story, or one half of my life experience, and I noticed that what I was thinking of talking about was mainly my intellectual history, and that there was little or nothing to do with my emotional history.
2. But that absence fits in with how I tell my story on a daily basis, the image of myself that I create rather consciously or not by what aspects of my life I choose to talk about. And I don't mean that to sound sinister, or like I'm trying to manipulate people by showing them something other than the truth. But there is no way to completely render your life to others, or even to yourselves, and picking and choosing what to repeat is something that everyone does every day with or without sinister intentions.
3. Anyway, all that to say that I have what I would call "intellectual friendships," which sounds much more snooty than it did in my head. It basically is just friendships where I don't talk about my more visceral side or what I'm dealing with on an emotional level, unless it's what I'm going through on an emotional level because of intellectual or theoretical problems, something like that. Similarly, I don't really talk to my friends about trouble that I'm having with other people, relational trouble, and I don't usually talk about experiences in the past when I was going through relational or emotional problems.
I realize the existence of these intellectual friendships most powerfully when I actually do talk about something and my friends are shocked because either they had no idea or they're just shocked that I experience certain emotions. I guess that's funny, but it also makes me a little sad, like it makes me sad how little fun I have with a lot of my friends here.
4. One of the reasons I don't talk about these things is that something in me is embarrassed by being out of control. I don't know how to explain this properly, but I'll give it a go. I'm not a control freak, I very rarely try to control the outcome of situations, but I do have a lot of resentment when forces are acting on me that I can't control. I think that is how I think of emotions, as a force that is acting on me that I have no control over me, that I don't ask for, and that has a major influence on my actions. Funny enough, the emotions I'm thinking of aren't really "negative emotions" like hate or anger, I feel like I have much more rational control over those than I do over "positive emotions" like happiness or excitement or just having a crush on someone. It's easier for me to talk about how I used to hate people than to talk about good times that I've had. Some of the times in my life that I'm the most embarassed of are the times that I was most excited or most happy, because when I look back it just seems empty in a lot of cases. And I feel like it shouldn't be that way, and there's something very sad for me about being able to write that and know that it's true.
5. What's funny for me is that I've never been an unemotional person. I'm not an ogre or a caveman. Maybe it's just normal human experience, but I feel hyper-emotional: crying isn't an unusual experience for me, I used to listen to Dashboard Confessional, I often feel like throwing things at people, etc. I feel like half a person. Not in the sense that I have no emotions, but that half of me is relatively unknown. Not completely unknown, because there are friends that I talk to about all of this, but they're typically people that are removed from whatever situation I'm involved in.
6. I need to tell more sides of my story, and everyone I'm involved with will benefit from that, including me. I do think, though, that it would be a mistake for me to go around intentionally bringing up things that I feel embarassed about to try to live up to this principle that I've created for myself. I don't think that's healthy. It has a lot more to do with me having faith in other people and trusting the relationships that I have with them, and trusting that they actually care enough to listen. I also think there are frequent moments in my life when I think of something that I'm going through or that happened at some other point in my life, and I choose not to bring those up. Sometimes that's good, but not always.
7. I've been realizing this whole year that it's really critical for me to have faith in my relationships, in a very similar way to how I need to have faith in God for that relationship to function, where faith is trusting that God actually does care about me, or maybe that he just likes me on a personal level.
1. Emotional vs. Intellectual History
2. Reflections on Narrative Theory
3. Intellectual Friendships
4. Control
5. Half Person
6. Conclusion
7. Afterward
1. Next week, I'm sharing my story at my church. Last night when I was on a long car ride, I was thinking about what I was going to talk about. I realized that what I was thinking of talking about was really only one half of my story, or one half of my life experience, and I noticed that what I was thinking of talking about was mainly my intellectual history, and that there was little or nothing to do with my emotional history.
2. But that absence fits in with how I tell my story on a daily basis, the image of myself that I create rather consciously or not by what aspects of my life I choose to talk about. And I don't mean that to sound sinister, or like I'm trying to manipulate people by showing them something other than the truth. But there is no way to completely render your life to others, or even to yourselves, and picking and choosing what to repeat is something that everyone does every day with or without sinister intentions.
3. Anyway, all that to say that I have what I would call "intellectual friendships," which sounds much more snooty than it did in my head. It basically is just friendships where I don't talk about my more visceral side or what I'm dealing with on an emotional level, unless it's what I'm going through on an emotional level because of intellectual or theoretical problems, something like that. Similarly, I don't really talk to my friends about trouble that I'm having with other people, relational trouble, and I don't usually talk about experiences in the past when I was going through relational or emotional problems.
I realize the existence of these intellectual friendships most powerfully when I actually do talk about something and my friends are shocked because either they had no idea or they're just shocked that I experience certain emotions. I guess that's funny, but it also makes me a little sad, like it makes me sad how little fun I have with a lot of my friends here.
4. One of the reasons I don't talk about these things is that something in me is embarrassed by being out of control. I don't know how to explain this properly, but I'll give it a go. I'm not a control freak, I very rarely try to control the outcome of situations, but I do have a lot of resentment when forces are acting on me that I can't control. I think that is how I think of emotions, as a force that is acting on me that I have no control over me, that I don't ask for, and that has a major influence on my actions. Funny enough, the emotions I'm thinking of aren't really "negative emotions" like hate or anger, I feel like I have much more rational control over those than I do over "positive emotions" like happiness or excitement or just having a crush on someone. It's easier for me to talk about how I used to hate people than to talk about good times that I've had. Some of the times in my life that I'm the most embarassed of are the times that I was most excited or most happy, because when I look back it just seems empty in a lot of cases. And I feel like it shouldn't be that way, and there's something very sad for me about being able to write that and know that it's true.
5. What's funny for me is that I've never been an unemotional person. I'm not an ogre or a caveman. Maybe it's just normal human experience, but I feel hyper-emotional: crying isn't an unusual experience for me, I used to listen to Dashboard Confessional, I often feel like throwing things at people, etc. I feel like half a person. Not in the sense that I have no emotions, but that half of me is relatively unknown. Not completely unknown, because there are friends that I talk to about all of this, but they're typically people that are removed from whatever situation I'm involved in.
6. I need to tell more sides of my story, and everyone I'm involved with will benefit from that, including me. I do think, though, that it would be a mistake for me to go around intentionally bringing up things that I feel embarassed about to try to live up to this principle that I've created for myself. I don't think that's healthy. It has a lot more to do with me having faith in other people and trusting the relationships that I have with them, and trusting that they actually care enough to listen. I also think there are frequent moments in my life when I think of something that I'm going through or that happened at some other point in my life, and I choose not to bring those up. Sometimes that's good, but not always.
7. I've been realizing this whole year that it's really critical for me to have faith in my relationships, in a very similar way to how I need to have faith in God for that relationship to function, where faith is trusting that God actually does care about me, or maybe that he just likes me on a personal level.
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